


Chasing my death

by Surisun



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: AU, Anxiety Disorder, Cancer, Dark Thoughts, Depressed Stiles, Depression, Gen, Hurt Stiles, Leukemia, Panic, Sick Stiles Stilinski, Sickfic, Suicide Attempt, mention of self harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-03
Updated: 2018-01-08
Packaged: 2018-07-29 04:20:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 67,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7669867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Surisun/pseuds/Surisun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stiles Stilinski's life has an expiry date, there is nothing new about this..<br/>As long as he can remember, he was destinated to death, sooner or later and he even prefered sooner just to get it done with ..<br/>But when he finally get his wish people start to enter his life..people who seems to actually care about him when he himself doesn't care ..<br/>Can Stiles luck change?<br/>Or is it already written in the stars?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Story of my death

**Author's Note:**

> A new story .... obviously. .  
> *I want to warn you about some of the dark thoughts though,  
> Stiles destination is to die , it is the way he lived his whole life and he doesn't believe anything else, so if you don't like this or it upsets you just ignore this story then..  
> * this chapter is in Stiles POV .  
> * I don't know when I am going to update , but to be safe gave me sometime please..  
> * as always, enjoy. .

"We die a day at a time"

.......................

Chapter one

When you are bound to die, people don't expect too much from you. .

This is what I used to believe when my dad let me eat cereals for lunch and spend the whole day lying on the couch in front of the TV . It's not like my parents were bad parents or any thing, quite the opposite, my parents were great ones , only me wasn't like other children.

Back then everything was bad but me myself was better. .

See, I remember always being sick. .

But when I was young being sick was some kinda of extra thing that I have , for example, some kids had divorced parents , some live in really small houses and wear old clothes, but me I am just sick and I had to accept it ..

My mom and dad told me that I was diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukemia when I was three and half year old but I don't seem to remember anything before it.. yet, I had remissions, even if I was always relapsing again and again..

This time is probably my last though, I am 17 already and in my 2nd relapse . my doctor said it was very far shot to beat it the second time I had it , my first relapse I mean, but then I made it and he actually called in an amused voice " that it is miraculous ! " , which makes me laugh hysterically today , because what is miraculous in surviving 2 leukemia attacks only to end having another one in less than 4 years , but this time I am like 100% sure I won't make it alive , so ..here goes away your happy miracle doctor.

Cancer is already in my lung in this stage and I wear a nasal cannula and carry an oxygen tank around just to prove it. Plus I also do it to breath, you know, I need to breath for not to die, even if my death doesn't seem much far in the future ..

When I was first diagnosed, they said they caught it early , though most of the days l wish they didn't so maybe I would be finished from this dilemma already, in my dark days I fantasie about it , how great it would be if I just bleed to death that first time my nose started to bleed or maybe just caught pneumonia and died from the lack of immunity before anyone knew about the cancer at all..

Wouldn't that be nice?

Anyway, back then they did caught it and I only had a couple years of chemo before I was good as new again .

Second time was not the same though, because when I stared to feel sick again my mom was dying in the hospital, so of course I totally ignored it . How can a couple of nose bleeds and being sleepy most of the time beat my mom's painful moans when she bit on her lips for not to scream out of pain? It was not fair to complain about feeling tired when I knew my dad was the one who is not sleeping all the nights between the hospital and the station. .

So , I down played it..

But one day I passed out in school and the school nurse called my dad to come and get me , " I think he needs to go to the hospital," she said, and I remember my dad eyes going wild with worry, " Why? ! What is wrong with him?!" " Mr. Stilinski, have you seen the bruises on Stiles shoulder and back? they are not tender and that usually means he did't get them through trauma or anything similar, this usually occur when his platelet count is seriously low, add this to how much sleepy and tired his teachers were saying about him. ."

She didn't finish, like she gave my dad enough clues and he should have figure it out without her saying the big scary "C" word ,and maybe if my dad wasn't running on coffee for the past week he would've understood, but back then he didn't react to anything she was saying, he kept looking at her like she was speaking in another language, he had no idea! like at all ! not till she cleared her voice and frowned slightly, " it is in Stiles medical files that he had leukemia before. ."

And that was it..

My dad blinked at her , and his mouth drew a big " O" without actually letting out any sound . That moment, I wanted nothing but to curl on my self and disappear, knowing that I must be the worst son in history..

It took another 3 years of chemo , the last dose pumped trough my circulation in my 13th birthday. . Back then, I thought I was done , I mean I kept living on the hope of finishing the last dose of the damn poison long enough to believe it was the end of the pain already , but again who was I kidding? That day I went home carrying massive number of medications and follow up appointments that I had to maintain till God knows when. And of course, with that, came the bless of the freakin side effects that made me as bad as the sickness itself , plus the fact that my dad had to work all the time for my medical bills and the still not finished mom's bills, even 2 and half years after she died.

23 days after my 13th birthday, I was sitting on the closed toilet seat, holding a sharp rasor in a trembling hand that tries to find its way through the haziness of tears , I remember I was sobbing so bad that the rasor fall from my hand couple of times, I remember I had all the logical reasons to do it, and no one would've ever blamed me for it , still , I couldn't ignore the fact that I'll be leaving dad back alone and heartbroken, and how much ungrateful and selfish can I be,

" Stiles? !"

came the so familiar voice out of nowhere, making my heart shake in feat,

" S..Scott ..w..what you are..d..doing here?"

" I .." he started then his eyes caught the rasor in my hand for the first time, " what are you doing Stiles? !"

He moved slowly towards me , like he was actually an adult who knows what he was doing, nothing like the goffy freind of mine,

" Stiles, is this a rasor? Let it go now you will hurt yourself"

" but..b..but I .." I sobbed again ,

" I w..want to h..hurt myself Scott..tt"

"Why Stiles? " I remember the shock on his face " Why would you do that? "

"Because. ." I trembled violently,

" b..because. ."

" Stiles please !"

His hand was trembling as bad as mine when he moved them slowly to take the rasor from me, but I withdrew my hand away like his touch burnt me ,

" Go away Scott " I screamed, " Get out of here, Get out of my house!!. ."

" Stiles please. .". He pleaded crying like I was twisting the rasor in his own gut ,

"Please " he urged shaking his head as if he was in pain and I am the one who gotta help him, I looked at him momentary before I broke in to ugly whining, more animalistic than humen , , I remember hating him ,from the bottom of my heart for taking away my chance to finally rest and be with my mom , I told him then that I wanted my dad, so he just picked the rasor from my shaking hand and went to bring my dad who was somewhere near.

That night, when my dad held me in between his arms in the bath tub ,I looked at Scott through my tears and told him that I don't want to see him again, and for the following three and half years I didn't. .

My dad changed after that night , like something broke inside him. He was talking to me like I was 6 year old and he touched me gently like I was going to break. He never let me see him cry and he never drunk in front of me any more .

And maybe It was true that I was as fragile as a glass but it felt weird and alien and I kept only deteriorating, so he thought it was better to leave everything behind us and to start somewhere else , like changing the town will change me too!! Couple of months later ,we moved to New york ..

............................

For a year or though I struggled with depression.

I tried for my dad ,I tried hard ,I would wake up every day feeling empty inside, lacking the energy to even get out of bed , some days I woke up crying, some days I didn't wake up because I didn't even go to sleep the day before, yet, my dad would come to my room and smile in a way that never reached his eyes and it worked every time to shock my inside with guilt and made me ignore my inner demons . I would smile back and just pretend that I am okay .

Some times it was enough but other times it wasn't .

Sometimes the stupid antidepressants were not working and the therapy was a waste of time .

Sometimes it wasn't my decision, it was my stupid brain acting on it's own, and dragging me and my dad down with it . I don't know how many days I fought but I know that one day I couldn't anymore. .

I woke up screaming from a nightmare and my dad was by my side in few moments , I told him then that I want to die ..

" please dad, if you love me , if you care about me at all ..just let me go. ."

We were both crying hard and he was holding me tightly like I was slipping between his arms ,

" Stiles. .please don't say that.."

" Dad , I am tired. .I am really tired I can't do this anymore "

" but you're not alone kiddo , I am right here by your side.. I am never letting you go.."

His voice was hoarse and his words were breaking but I could only hear the screaming voices in my head , the ones that kept telling me to unscrew the orange pills bottle on the night stand next to my bed and just swallow the whole damn thing, only dad's arms were pinning me to his chest and I was so weak that it I knew I couldn't escape him no matter how hard I tried.

" Why do you think in this Stiles, why don't you see how many good things we have ? Why do you want to leave everything behind? "

" what?" I asked confused,

" what good things? Are you kidding me? What is good in taking 7 types of medications every day with the knowledge that it is only going to delay what is immenent to happen? You know that dad ! You know that the cancer will come back one day, it is just a matter of time , and the headaches , dezziness, nausea, rash ,cramps and freakin insomnia are just too much of a price to pay for a couple of more mesrible years.. dad..."

" you don't know that Stiles! You don't know if it is ever coming back. ."

"Don't argue with the statistics ,I am not stupid..."

He shut me

" DAMN THE STATISTICS! ..Stiles, you are not sick. .you are not dying why do you insist on dealing with something that is not even happening? "

" because I am sick of it dad !I am sick of waiting for it to happen already! It is sucking every bit of my energy and I just can't bare it any more. .I can't. ."

"Stiles.." His tone was hurt and pleading, but I couldn't care less,

" the next time I am alone dad I will do everything it takes me to finish what I have started before Scott interrupted me " I said in cold voice and I could picture him flinching without actually looking at his face,

" I want you to understand that dad ..I am done with fighting. .next time I will do it and no one can stop me " I let my tears flow slowly on my face ,slipping lazily over my chin, and I didn't add a word , he on the other hand didn't say anything ,too , he just kept holding me till I fell asleep .

Next time I woke up I was in the hospital. .

I spent 6 months in a psychiatric institution , and honestly, I don't remember alot about it. . Sometimes I remember crying and screaming and a couple of panic attacks here and there , but nothing more. .

One day I was in the passenger seat of some car and my dad kept glancing at me and telling me that every thing is going to be okay now.. I just noded but I didn't know if I believe him.

. ...........................

Still ,I can say once in my life that I was some sort of okay in my sixteen birthday. . I was still on long list of medications and I had to go to therapy every week but I didn't feel like killing my self for once and I actually smiled every once in a while!

.................

You probably have guessed that I was home schooled since my life wasn't stable enough for school , I remember going to school couple of years till I was sick again but that is it, so I had some teachers who came by our house and most of them were telling me ,surprisingly enough ,that I was doing okay!

" You're smart Stiles, believe it or not, you are one of the smartest students I have worked with " said my fifty five old math teacher after we did some problem solving that afternoon,

" I don't feel so smart, Mrs. James " I said in a small voice

" maybe you are not seeing it now but I bet you will go to college one day and have a very successful life" I snorted , like actually snorted , because dear Mrs. James just coudn't be more misleaded , lf cancer didn't kill me first then maybe depression will.. Plus, we don't have money for this type of luxury anymore, my dad barley keeps a roof over our heads,

" Mrs. James, thank you for your encouraging words but let's just go back to algebra "

That night I kept thinking about her words..

How does a broken person like me have a future? The concept was so remote like a star in the sky , see , to even think about having any kind of future you need to have hope and dreams and motivations, and Stiles Stilinski never had those , my life was doomed to pain and death the moment I was born and I didn't need depression to show me that . It's too obvious how ominous I am , I bring death to every thing I touch and my poor father is just stuck with me , it is not like I didn't try to tell him to get away before, but he never listened, but I believe I won't be here for a long time and maybe then he would have his life back.. So back to what I was thinking about ...

Future. .

I can only see a black cascade in mine..

.................

Before Christmas that year dad told me we are going back to Beacon hills,

"Why?!" I asked

" they need a sheriff there and honestly I missed the town, don't you miss home?"

I didn't want to tell him that this place meant nothing but sickness and death for me , but again, maybe going back to Beacon hills is what I need to trigger the domino effect ?maybe I need to go back so I can finally die there ,right? Beacon hills is where every thing started and it should be where everything is going to end,

" yeah " I said " let's go back to Beacon hills "

I remember that my dad smiled , the poor thing thought I was really happy about it , and somehow I was but for nothing of what he was thinking about. .

He always believed I was going to be better, no matter how bad I was..

However, we were back in Beacon hills with the new year,

and I was right,

Few weeks later my cancer was back ..

I think Mrs. James was right after all,  I am kinda smart.

. ...............................


	2. Welcome back my old cancer buddy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They have been in Beacon hills for few days when one little accident takes them to the hospital where the meet old friend and face a probability of real bad news. .  
> And of course let us not forget how Beacon freakin hills have all types of crazy freakin supernatural ..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Stiles is practically a big child in this chapter, one moment he fights with his dad and the other he is clinging so bad to him , but this is how depression can be sometimes, you hate every one around you and you feel restrained by there over care but still you can't let go of them because they are your only anchor in your own world of fears.  
> * enjoy

  
"It's better to burn out than to fade away" 

...............

Chapter 2

-" I want to drive "

His dad almost choked on his coffee, he coughed a little and looked at him like he grew another head,

" what?!"

They were sitting in the kitchen, John having his morning coffee and Stiles messing around with his breakfast, not really eating, when he just blurted it out of the blue,

  
" I am 17 why can't I drive? "

John was slightly shocked by the desire lingering in Stiles voice, something he didn't hear in a very long time,

" But you can't even drive son"

" then teach me"

He looked at him for another moment ,

" well , ..I think... I don't actually mind"

"Really?" The sparkle in his kid eyes was so satisfying, yet, it made his heart aches a little,

"Why not ..you said it your self , you are 17 "

"Then I can take mom's car?"

" your mom's car?. .you mean the old rusty jeep in the garage? !"

" yeah..that is the one"

" of course not .. it is practically a piece of shit , I won't let you anywhere near it "

" How can you be so sure? I remember mom driving it just fine"

  
"Stiles. ."

  
"It's not like we can afford to buy a new one anyway "

"We don't need a new one ,it is not like I would let you drive by yourself"

" Why not ?!"

John sighed ,  
" Because I said so "

Stiles snorted and dropped the spoon next to cereals bowl,  
-" seriously dad that's rediculous, you can at least try little harder. . it is not enough , what you are saying is not gonna stop me"

-"Oh really, then tell me what are you going to do? Go to the garage and drive the rusty antique away , yeah right, knock yourself out "

-" you don't think I can" Stiles challenged,  
" Why ? Because I am sick? You don't think I can do something without you holding my hand "

-" Stiles. ."

-"NO no no we are going to do this now "  
He threw the bowl away breaking it into pieces , and maneging to cut1 his hand in the process, before he started to shout,

" I don't want to play the damn sickness card every time we talk , but you just can't see behind it , can you? "

John walked towards him slowly,

-" Stiles calm down. .okay.. just let me look at your hand "

-" No, stay away from me "

-" Son , you're bleeding real bad ..just let me see it then we can talk about whatever you want "

The fact that his blood was drawing a thick red trail on the table in front of him didn't even catch Stiles attention,

" Stay. Away. From. Me" he repeated and gave his dad a heated look,  
" Why are you so afraid? I am freakin sick of you treating me as a retard child all the time ! I don't have anything, my life is a joke ! And you are here 24 /7 to make sure it remains that way.. This is the first time I ask for something, it is the first time I want something , why can't I have the DAMN CAR ?! ! "

-" Stiles. .please ..just let me look at you ..just.."

-" TALK TO ME DAD !DAMN IT"

-"Okay ..okay "

John let out a deep breath,

" I'll tell you what you want to hear , but then you will let me see your hand .. okay?"

Stiles kept looking at him, his face was red and his chest was hovering like he just ran a marathon , making John worry escalates ,

" I am afraid that something might happen to you when you are alone, what if you had a bout of dezziness like what happen when you take your Prozac , what will happen if the street in front you got all blurry all of a sudden? "

Stiles rose his eyebrows,  
" it's not just that. .don't lie to me "

" I .." John frowned ,  
"Okay Stiles, tell me, do you want to do something with the car?"

-" what do you mean by 'something'? "

-" Do you. .do you want to hurt yourself? "

Stiles looked at him for a moment then exploded with laughter,  
" Are you freakin kidding me? You think I will drive myself from up the hill or something "

-" yeah Stiles. .I am afraid you might , sometimes you do dangerous things without even thinking. ."

The bitterness in his dad eyes were real this time , raw emotion all over his face, and it is not like Stiles didn't know that he freaked his dad out the day Scott found him in the bathroom with a razor in his hand , it should not surprise him how much of his dad actions around him were planned with caution, still , hearing the accusation in his dad voice felt hurtful and sad.

" Shit .."  
he said in bitter amusement before he started to slide slowly to the cold floor with his back to the kitchen cupboard , sending a red alarm to his dad who practicality jumped to catch him,

"What's wrong? oh.. god, Stiles you are bleeding so much " the blood was forming a dark pool beneath his hand and Stiles was starting to get little dizzy and lightheaded,  
" I think .." he started to speak the moment his his dad was cutting a piece of fabric and securing it around his hand ,  
" Dad. .I think I cut a major artery or something " he slurred,  
" shit . . yeah I think it would need stit..hey!! No!! Stiles. ."  
Without any warning, Stiles eyes suddenly rolled in his head and he went limp , his wight dragging both himself and his dad to the ground,  
" Stiles. No...hey kiddo.. wake up. .hey ! Come on. ."

The fabric around Stiles hand was socked in a moment and suddenly blood was every where, seeping through his shirt and plastering it to the skin beneath it.  
John heart hammered vigorously in his chest , this was not normal , blood was flowing freely with no indication of stoppage and Stiles face was almost as a white as sheet , God, his kid was laterally bleeding to death and if he doesn't do anything he is going to lose him.

Dissociating himself from the paniced parent mode in to the professional cop one , he rapidly tore another piece of some kitchen towel and added it to the first one before he ran to get his phone and call for an ambulance. .

...................................

"John. .John Stilinski? Is that you? "  
  
John turned around to find a brunette women with a familiar face looking at him , he let out a breath he didn't know he was holding and smiled weakly,

" Melissa. .oh thanks God , you don't know how good is it to see you "

-" yeah, it is nice to see you too "

They hugged lightly before Melissa asked him again,  
-" when did you come back ?"

-" just couple of days ago , I am the new Sheriff. .but I won't start till next week "

He let himself slides to the the plastic chair in the ER waiting, not having any energy to stand , Melissa followed and sat herself in the opposite chair,

" yeah. I heard about the new sheriff thing but I didn't know it was you , nice to have you back .." She gave him a friendly smile

"But, now what are you doing in the ER ? Is everything okay? Is Stiles okay? "

He smiled to the guniene concern in her voice,  
" Yeah Stiles. .they took him an hour and half ago and no one is telling me anything. ."

Melissa's face paled a little,  
" what?! What happened? is it...He is sick again?!"

John's face mirrored her the moment he understood what she meant ,

" No ! God no ..he is okay ..I mean he is almost 4 years cancer free now , it is just he cut his hand real bad in some glass and it wouldn't stop bleeding. .I mean there was a lot of blood but that what happens when you nick an artery , right? "

  
" oh " She breathed, but there was something about his pinched face that she couldn't put her finger on ,  
" Okay I can get a look if you want me "

" yeah, yeah please I don't think I can wait any more"

...................................

Melissa found Stiles easily behind one of the curtains, the boy may added some inches to his hight and some broadness to his shoulders but he was still the same thin and pale kid she always knew..She noticed that his hair was longer than she can ever remember since he was finally given the chance to grew it after the brutal chemo rounds . He was lying there dead to the world, connected to the bag of blood that was almost empty right now and she couldn't ignore the familiar tug of worry in her chest by the way he looked pale and fragile,

  
" Dr . Lee , is everything alright? "

The ER doctor who was currently suturing Stiles hand gave her a half node ,  
-" you know the kid?"

-" yeah, he is my son's freind"

-" oh.. "

-"The bleeding was so severe ?" She asked already knowing the answer, they wouldn't give him blood if his vitals weren't so bad.

Dr. Lee sighed ,

  
"The kid came in with Hb 4 Melissa ,this is his second blood unit, and I had to give him a bag of platelets too , his blood work is a mess ,if more time had passed, I couldn't tell if we would've been able to help him at all "

And she knew what he meant..

  
Because what dr.lee was talking about could not only be happening because of a hand cut, in the matter of fact, his cut wouldn't bleed this bad if there wasn't something else going on .

She took one look to Stiles ticket where it showed an urgent oncology consultation and her head started to spin with the bad news.  
she wished that the floor can open and swallow her , how exactly she is going to tell the poor man in the waiting area that his kid might have cancer again !

But John told her that Stiles had his last examination not 2 weeks ago,so, when the hell did that happen ?  
Her eyes glistened with emotion and her lips trembled as if she were to let out a sob- but she never did, she didn't actually has a chance because suddenly , Stiles stared to make small distress sounds as he woke up and she instinctively moved next to him momentary forgetting her thoughts,

" shh sweatheart , you are okay"

  
" da..d"

"Yes your dad is here Stiles, just hold on for a moment "

She looked at the doctor and he noded his permission for her to go get the kid's dad.

...............

She slowed down as much as she can , trying to calm her breathes before facing John, the truth is that she feared herself and the way her face tended to give away all the bad news , even when she has been working as a nurse long enough to supposedly act as a professional , she just couldn't do it when it came to the people who she cared about. She thought about asking someone else to find John and take him to his kid but she knew it would have made him more suspectious than relieved.

  
"Mom "

Scott's voice came out of nowhere breaking her chain of thoughts , she looked up to him and then she noticed the dried blood on his face the same moment her head brushed against his chest as hugged her tightly.

"Scott! What is it ? Are you alright ? "

-"Yeah , yeah I am okay .. thanks God you are okay mom I was so afraid he hurt you"

  
-" Who Scott? What are you talking about? "

-" An alpha. .We had a fight with some crazy alpha and he ran away, I was afraid he would get to you first and hurt you "

-" oh honey, I am fine, you sure you are okay? "

-"yeah sure I am alright "

-" good. .now honey , I have some work to do why won't you go home now and I will see you in couple of hours? "

-" No Way, I just told you there is a crazy alpha somewhere out there ,what if he came for you?! I won't leave you till he is dead "

-" Scott! What are talking about? I have to work, you can't just follow me around !"

-" I will mom , Derek and the others are looking for him , I won't leave you till I am sure they finished it"

Melissa sighed , it is not the first time and it won't be last , the truth is ever since Scott became a true alpha troubles were following them like there own shadow, the crazy supernatural attacks were increasing and she was targeted more times than she liked to admit, so Scott showing around wasn't new , the only problem right now that her plate was already full and she didn't have time for this ,

-" Okay Scott, stay if you want, it is just that I am dealing with something right now and I don't have time nor the energy for the werewolves drama"

-" what ? What is more important than your life being in danger? "

-" remember the Stilinskis "

-" of course!

  
-" well they are here , Stiles in the ER and, ..I shouldn't tell you this ...but I don't know what to do.."

\- " what is it mom?"  
  
" well... promise me you wont say this to any one .."

\- " mom ..you are making me sick to my stomach with nervousness. ."  
\- " Scott.."  
\- " I promise. .what? ! "

  
-" because you are his friend and you should try to help him.. Stiles cancer might be back again, but his dad in the waiting area and he knows nothing about it "

Scott mouth dropped,  
" oh my. ."  
" yeah. .." Melissa whispered.  
There are no words..

.................... ...........

" oh Melissa, it took you forever! "  
John jumped out the cheap plastic chair,

" wait..is that you Scott? ! Wow look at you ! I wouldn't recognise you. .oh Stiles will be so jealous "

Scott blushed shyly and gave him a smile,  
" nice to see you too ,Sheriff "  
" you were working out ..it is good for health and mind..I tried to talk Stiles in to it many times than I can remember, but he just not a big fan of sweating "

The three of them smiled..

And Melissa wished nothing but to sit down and catch up for the missing times but she knew they don't have this luxury right now,

" Stiles is awake now, John, and he is asking for you , why won't you come with me "

" is he alright? "

" well ..he actually bled profusely and they had to give him a transfusion "  
John stopped walking and frowned slightly,

"Oh.. is it back.. Melissa? " his voice went low and his eyes moved to where his feet touched the floor like he didn't really want to know the answer ,

" just tell me. .The leukemia is back , right? Because he didn't had this bad bleeding- transfusion thing since he was sick? "

Melissa felt all the courage she mastered earlier leave her and she felt the hesitance in Scott's steps beside her, it was actually true ... Scott had this sudden urge to excuse himself and go anywhere just to not hear his mother breaking such bad news , even if it will cost him to fight a pack of alphas and not just one ,

" John " Melissa started, " you know they have to do tests to confirm such a thing, we still don't know, but I wouldn't lie to you , Stiles blood work is bit worrisome so, dr . Lee asked for an oncology consultation "

  
" shit. .".. John's face slackened; his brow furrowed ,eyes darting about in concern as if he were searching for a place to hide.

" Sheriff. ." Scott tried to say something to calm the obviously distressed man, even when his own eyes were tearing up , however, his mom shook her head slightly at him before he can add anything,

-" John. .why won't we worry when we are at least sure about it "

-" No.. you don't get it. .Stiles is the only one that I have Melissa. ."

She interrupted him,  
" and right now he is in there alone and confused and asking for you..so get yourself togather for your child " ..

There was a long moment of silence before they walked to the ER trauma triage with heavy hearts and teary eyes..

..........................

Waking up in a hospital was nothing new for Stiles, the white walls and the antiseptics smell were so familiar for his senses that he stopped feeling uncomfortable about them long time ago. The stingy sensation in his hand from where the cannula pierced his skin was another story , not odd , yet far from comfortable for him. This time, however, the usual itch dimmed significantly in comparison to the deep tiredness that wrapped his body , every part of him felt heavy and painful , especially his right hand that throbbed with sharp unusual pain.  
It was much more than the mild burnning that he usually felt when he cut his hand by whatever sharp object he finds and hides to use it on himself when his dad wasn't looking.  
Because, of course , Stiles was cutting him self ,no new news here , he did it since his mom got sick and he would be doing it on every chance that he gets. Cutting the thin , slightly red grooves in his pale skin was the only pain that he could control and he didn't want to lose what little sense of control he had, even if the tools he used were really simple and innocent pieces that needed alot of violent pressing to inflect any real damage, some time he did it on his thighs , high enough for his dad not to notice , sometimes on his hands where he can pretend it was an accident , yet, it is not like his dad wasn't around him most of the time , even when he was at work , he made sure some other person would be with Stiles to make sure he won't stab himself by a random kitchen knife.  
Stiles sighs,

If dying was easy he wouldn't be chasing it for the last 10 years..

Any way, back to his dad , where was he ?

Stiles blinked few time till his eyes finally focused enough to catch his dad's face just across of him exactly like he expected, but then his dad wasn't alone , some nurse and a muscular teenager stood next to him,

" ..tiles , kiddo are you with me?"

His dad voice reached his ears and he coughed weakly before moving his eyes back to his dad and nodding slowly.

John let out a deep breath and smiled one of his famous comforting smiles,

" you scared me big time kiddo, would you stop doing that?"

Stiles nodded slowly again, unsure exactly what was his dad talking about,

" welcome back to Beacon hills, dude "

Puppy eyes , muscular kid said ,and Stiles squinted his eyes looking at him for few seconds because the guy looked close enough to someone one he used to know, but he couldn't be now , could he?

" Scott ?!" He asked uncertainly,  
" yeah man !" grinned Scott " it is really nice to see you "

" How do you feel honey ?"

Asked the nurse who Stiles can see clearly now she is no one but Melissa MCcall,

" I. ..don't know. .. my hand hurts a little.."

" it is probably the stitches pulling on your skin a little, give it some time and it would be better "

" dad.." he looked to his dad who was holding Stiles good hand in his own,  
" Dad? what is going on ? What are they doing here?"  
" you don't remember ? the cereals bowl broke son , and you cut your hand badly, we had to come to the hospital , Melissa works here and Scott. .I guess he was just passing by ..but both of them wanted to come and say hi and check on you "

Stiles frowned, now he remembered  
throwing the bowl and breaking it , he also remembered feeling all dizzy and faint, which could explain him ending up in the hospital, but why would those people, who were practicality strangers after all these years, just break in to his room or ,his ER cubicle, or wherever he was in now, and address him so friendly like they just saw him yesterday? it was utterly rude and curd , and he didn't like it.

yet , he didn't have any real energy at the moment to ask them to get the hell out of his room and stop smiling so stupidly, he would've to deal with them , later, but right now he can do something easier, just ignore them,

-" Dad when can I go home?"

-" we are waiting for the doctor to come and see you before we can leave"

-" what doctor, my hand is sutured already "

-" yeah, but another doctor should come and check on you".

-" Why ? I don't feel anything hurting me beside the cut in my hand, I want to leave now, you know I don’t like hospitals !"

" Stiles, honey. ." Melissa started but Stiles kept looking at his dad and ignoring her,

-" if you are not going to help me up I am doing it myself " he said before starting to pull off the cannula in his hand with such an experity that can only be developed after years of doing it , but his dad's hand was faster than his stopping him,

-" Stop it Stiles, you are old enough not to throw a fit over somethingthat you know clearly it is for your own intrest "  
  
-" no dad , I am not , maybe if I am old enough like you say ,you could let me make my own choices for a change "

" Guys! Guys ! " Melissa tried again , but before she can speak, everything suddenly went dark around them,  
  
" it is a power outage !"

Someone shouted from across the hall when the backup generator roared to life , lighting only small and dim light bulbs here and there ,  
" what is going on? " John questioned Melissa, who shook her head slightly and started to gather some files,  
" the backup generator serves the ICU mainly, I should go out to check on the patients "  
" but mom.."  
Scott's voice was cut off by high screams from the hall outside , stopping all of them in their tracts.

" what the hell is going on here? " it was Stiles this time and he was clearly freaked out , his hand unconsciously tightened around his dad's and his heartbeats jumped a mile in a minute .  
Scott looked at him for a moment, his nose filled with the scent of his friend's anxiety and fear but then he turned his head to his mom ,

" Stay here"

He didnt have time to move though, all of sudden the ER glass door shattered in to pieces and two bodies rolled in above each other taking them by surprise,  
one of the two fighters was wearing a black leather jacket and blood was all over his shirt, still he looked towards them the same moment that Scott screamed,

" Derek! "

" take them out of here Scott " the Derek guy said before he swung back around and gave the other man a fast and powerful roundhouse kick in the ribs, he howled in torment but his opponent still raced towards him growling and his eyes glowing red .

  
" the hell !!" Stiles said panicking as Derek went flying across the room , landing roughly on some of the shattered glass, still he maneged to shout,

" Scott, get them out !! Take everyone out !"

At this moment the triage had only a couple of elderly people and another nurse besides them,  
" but you need help Derek! "

" I can manege it ..just get out of here! "

But it was already too late , the growling monster didn't give Derek any break, he picked him up and threw him again to the wall , succeeding this time in knocking him out .

Derek didn't stand back this time , he just lied there unconscious , giving the monster the chance to turn to them and growl ,

" NO ONE IS GETTING OUT OF HERE "

..............................................

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Too many fights and reveals for the next time..


	3. Baby steps till we get it done..

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stiles is drowned by news ..but not at all good news..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * A new chapter for you so enjoy ; )

"I carry death in my left pocket. Sometimes I take it out and talk to it: "Hello, baby, how are you doing? When are you coming for me? I'll be ready "

..................................

Chapter three

The sound of frantic heartbeats was the loudest in Scott's ears..

There was also some quiet sniffing from where the old couples where sitting in the other side of the room , muffled peeping from an ECG machine across the hall and harsh breathes from where Stiles was clenching to his dad with a death grip..  
In the poor illumination of the flickering lambs his alpha eyes easily picked the other alpha eyes looking at him with a smirk on his semi human semi wolf face , his mom was next to him trying so bad not to shove him behind her to make sure he was safe , because till now he just seemed like a normal teenager and not a big bad alpha, too hesitant to shift in front of the sheriff and Stiles and the other 3 people in the room , no one seemed capable of dealing with more freaking out at the moment but he didn't know how much time can he manege to do it though, the furious alpha in front of him didn't seem like the kind that he could negotiate with,

" Listen to me "

The Sheriff said suddenly , directing his words to the beast ,  
" whatever you are trying to get from this, it won't end up well , okay ? This is a hospital and people here are sick and hurt , you won't have any benefits of their deaths being on you , if you want money , a ransom , believe me this is not the right way "

The smirk on the alpha's face only grew wider,

" I don't want any money"

John tried to move a step closer to their assailant but Stiles wouldn't let him, so he just turned his face fully to the wolf and tried again,

" then what do you want?"

The werewolf walked slowly till he was facing Scott and spoke in a cold Russian accent,  
" you know what I want , and I supposed that I deserve it since you little alpha can't even step up for yourself, I mean , another wolf to cover for you is one thing but a human ? Really ? You are a jock "

  
John frowned in confusion,  
" listen I don't get what you want but we can work on it, just let those people go , I am ..The Sheriff and I promise to ease your situation in this case but you gotta let the incconet people leave, this is the only way "

The alpha ignored John and kept his challenging stare at Scott,  
" How much time do you want to play this game?"

Scott kept looking at him without doing anything else till suddenly the alpha pulled Melissa to him and placed his claws at her neck ,  
" maybe ripping momy's throat will give you a little push "

And this when all the hell breaks lose..

at the speed of lightening, Scott was on top of the other man , pushing Melissa to the opposite side of the room and digging his claws in to his opponent's side, loud animalistic roars cut through the tension filled air the same moment frightening whines escaped Stiles throat,

" it is a nightmare " he tried to reason,  
" I am dreaming, this is not real"

" Calm down, Stiles, hey, I am right here "

His dad's voice seemed so near yet so far , Stiles was forcing himself into a small ball in to the far end of the bed he was lying on , his fingernails were digging in to something that kept pinning him and the world in front of his eyes was narrowed in to splashing blood and loud growls,

" Stiles. .please breath "

Someone was calling him and he wished he can close his eyes and listen to the voice that was trying to guide him out of his nightmare, .

" hey ! Hey ! Look at me "

Now hands were trying to move his face but Stiles couldn't take his eyes away from the beasts , he was stuck in his mind and he could not get out ,every thing felt so real yet so surreal , fear and fascination blend in to a weird mixture that made adrenaline pump constantly through his circulation , keeping him grounded to this crazy dream he was having with no hope to wake up..

" Look at me !!"

This time his dad face blocked the blood and the roars ,

" Stiles. .breath"

" w..w..wha.." he desperately tried to talk to his dad but he couldn't stop gasping,

  
" just look at me "

He tried but before he got the chance a loud crash sent him to the floor with his dad arms protectively around him ,

" Stiles. .!!"

  
Someone screamed, and when Stiles opened his eyes to see where it was coming from , loud screams filled his ears and a bleeding body rolled in front of his eyes, lifeless, and so still...

The nurse...  
he recognised, the old black nurse whom was with the other patients in the triage, he had noticed her when he woke up because she reminded him with his kindergarten's teacher , the one who he adored because she always let them draw when they wanted and gave them a lot of lollipops,

  
" Ella !"

Melissa called in breaking voice and he saw her trembling arm reaches weakly to the lifeless body on the ground but again another loud crash and something heavy sprawled over him making his already troubled breath near impossible.

He tried to free himself but with his already weakened state and the fact that black dots were dancing in front of his eyes, all his attempts were vain , darkness kept crawling from the edges of his vision and he surrendered easily thinking ,  
  
" what a nice way to go " .

Gradually, every thing was starting to feel better, the pain was leaving his body and being replaced by warmth that made him dizzy with relief . He expected to see his mom when he squinted his eyes open , but instead he was met by the most beautiful hazel green eyes he had ever seen,

" angel " he thought. . A beautiful angel will take him to his mom and he can't wait to see her..

He closed his eyes and relaxed in the arms of the angel , knowing he was being carried away, but suddenly a hand was patting his face gently and ordering him to stay awake,  
  
" are ..We ..There ..yet.? "

He asked as he slowly opened his eyes ,

" Stay awake. ."

He read the angel's lips because his ears were still filled by deafning screams , and he tried to listen to the order ..only darkness was much more stronger.

...................................................

When Stiles woke up he wasn't where he thought he will be.  
  
Cool air was lightly tickling his nose but it wasn't the fresh air of the ocean where he imagined his mom would be waiting for him, instead , it was the oxygen rich air that kept fogging beneath the mask that covered his face.  
A strong Deja vu sensation overwhelmed him the moment his eyes focused enough to recognised the pale white walls , making his stomach cringes with nausea, and just when he tried to turn to his side he catched his dad snoring softly in the plastic chair next to his bed and every thing came back to him,

The beasts ..The blood..The dead nurse..and then him dying and being carried to heaven by an angel, except now there was no heaven or angels, only hospitals and blood and nightmares .

His early nausea kicked in all of sudden and he tried to turn his head as he gagged before he ends up chocking in his own puke,

" Stiles! "

His dad's familiar frantic tone accompanied with a kidney shaped pan being pushed under his chin and his oxygen mask sliding above his head , every movement brought a stabbing pain to his head and chest and threatened to take his breath away, tears and snot joined his puke and for a moment he felt he was drawing in his own bodily fluids , he couldn't breath and pain kept exploding behind his eyes and behind his ribs bringing more tears into his eyes as if his own stupid body was trying to kill him , voices and hands were everywhere but nothing passed the thick barrier of pain , the world was spinning again and he was more than happy to let himself spin with it to the heart of darkness. .

The next time he woke up too many people was there. ..

His dad with old healing cuts on his face , Melissa MCcall with worried face and casted arm , and 2 more people in white coats .  
This time they seemed to be expecting him to wake up because they asked him in hushed voices to calm down and take it easy , and as much as he was freaked out , he didn't want to repeat the last time incident so he just took some shaking breaths and let them continue their examinations.

One of the two men in white coats asked him what was he last thing that he remembered, and when Stiles lied and told him he only remembers cutting his hand, the doctor's face fell a little,

" you had been through a traumatic event , sometimes your subconscious tries to protect you by blocking it all"

" what traumatic event?!"

He tried to ask but his voice came hoarse and weak more than any other time he remembered , only the doctor went on without needing to hear him,  
" there was a criminal attack on the ER the time you were there , a man with a gun attacked you, your dad ,miss MCcall and Mrs. Johnson, luckly, your dad kept you safe by shielding you .At some point though, he lost consciousness and you where trapped beneath him ,what caused you to cracke 3 ribs ",

One look at his dad showed his extremely guilty face, and Stiles wondered why did his dad felt guilty when he was the one with the healing cuts , but again , Stiles didn't remember guns , he remembered beasts and red eyes , and a lot of crashing ,

was he hallucinating ? Did he finally lost his mind completely?

" you had already a degree a respiratory embarrassment due to the enlarged lymph nodes in your thoracic cavity "  
The doctor said , shifting his attention to him again ,  
" with the cracked ribs , we needed to sedate you for a while so you heel a bit "

" I ..."

He tried again with his weak voice, pointing at a bottle of water on the night stand, his dad brought it to him when the doctor noded his permission, and Stiles gratefully gulped some before he tried to talk again , noticing that the oxygen mask from earlier was replaced by an oxygen cannula now,

" I ...don't understand "

The other doctor smiled sadly at him,  
" Stiles, my name is Mark Lynch, I am a consultant pediatric oncologist... remember the day you was brought to the ER ? They done some tests and your blood work showed some abnormal cells in your blood picture, after the accident, you were under sedation for 5 days , during which we had some extra tests, a bone marrow sample, a lumbar puncture and a chest x ray .."

The air was heavy with tension, till the doctor spoke again,

"I am sorry to tell you that.. but the leukemia is back , and the cancerous cells are much more aggressive this time .. it already spreaded to many of your lymph nodes , including the mediastinal lymph nodes, the ones in your chest, and this is why you had extra troubles breathing.."

His dad was suddenly next to him even though Stiles didn't feel shocked or surprised by what the doctor was saying, he heared a close version to this before and he was expecting it long time ago ,

" it won't be easy, it will be a hard fight with a lot of pain Stiles, we will start both Chemo and radiation in high doses , now, I know your dad was tasted for matching bone marrow before and he is not matched but still we put your name on the national list of bone marrow transplant , if there is any chance to have a match I will make sure you get it"

" How much time? " he asked coldly ,ignoring the troubled stares around him,

  
" well , you know Statistics kinda lack when it comes to 2nd time relapse.."

" just tell me , I need to know ..what if it didn't work? How much time do I have? "

"Stiles. ." His dad squeezed his hand ,  
" no dad , I have the right to know"

The doctor looked at John for a second then back to Stiles,  
" we really don't have very accurate numbers Stiles, but I will be honest with you..Most of the patients with 2nd relapses make it to their 3 to 4 months post diagnosis "

3 to 4 months ?!

Seems a long time even when he will barely even turn 18 within a 3 to 4 months.  
His dad's hand around his squeezed gently but Stiles felt kinda numb with all the news .

so, his leukemia was back , and he had 3 months to live , he was in criminal attack that he thought he died in it but he didn't and all his momeries about it were a sick , confused scenes of fighting monsters , they kept him under for five days , and his dad was crying softly next to him.

Okay..too much..

He turned his head away from everyone and looked to the white wall,  
" I am tired "  
He said softly and the doctors told him that he has the right to feel overwhelmed and that he should get some rest because they needed to go over his treatment plans as soon as possible. .

He closed his eyes and wished he wouldn't wake up..

...................

  
He woke up later and he didn't know whether it's the same day or not because every thing in his head was fuzzy and broken.

His dad was nowhere in his visual field and it made his heart beats crazy for a moment till someone called him in a slightly worried voice and assured him that his dad was talking to the doctor just outside his room,

" I can go and get him if you want ?" Scott spoke, but Stiles shook his head lightly,

" no"

  
They were silent for a moment when Scott spoke again,  
  
" I am so sorry for what happened in the ER, it was my fault that you and the Sheriff got hurt ..I'll never forget my self for that"

  
" what are you talking about? they said it was a criminal attack with weapons, so unless you were a gang member and they were your gang bodies I don't understand how can it be your fault!"

  
Scott looked at him frowning,  
" you really don't remember what happened? "

  
Stiles huffed ,  
" no ..I don't really. .I think I hit my head or something all I remember is some crazy nightmare "

" what nightmare? "

  
Stiles huffed again,  
" Why do you care ? And what are you doing in here anyway? "

  
" Stiles, I believe you saw what happened and it wasn't a nightmare. ."

  
" what the hell do you mean?"

  
Scott bit.his lower lip ,  
" Stiles, I need to tell you something but promise me you won't freak out"

  
" well , talk ! what you are doing now is what is really freaking me out "

  
" okay..." Scott swallowed

"so ..werewolves. .are real...and ...well , I am a werewolf "

  
Stiles stared at him unimpressed,  
" is that your way of telling a jock Scott, because honestly, I have enough crap to deal with and I am not in the mood..."

  
" It's not a joke Stiles! I swear .. okay. .I will show you but just ..please don't freak out "

Scott lowered his head then rose it slowly making Stiles breath hitch the moment he saw the red glowing eyes and the animalistic features,

  
" HOLY SHIT! HOLY DAMN SHIT !!"

  
" Stiles ! " Scott was human again as he moved his hand so fast to cover Stiles mouth, muffling his shouts,

" Dude you said you wouldn't freak out! "

  
He fought to free himself and he almost threw himself from the bed in the process,

" GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!!".

" Okay. .okay ! "

Scott moved away immediately, too worried about Stiles hurting himself if he didn't , but his face had a hurt expression that couldn't be hidden,

" Stiles just calm down, I would never hurt you ! Or hurt anyone unless it was a supernatural crazy killer that threaten my family or my friends , I promise, I am the same dude you know Stiles, nothing have changed "

" shitshitshitshit.." Stiles continued to press himself as far as he can from Scott,

" Okay I'll leave if that what you want. .I am so sorry "  
Scott looked at him one last time with shimmering tears in his eyes before he walked away ,the same moment John walked in,

" Scott , wait ..what..oh ...Stiles, you are awake ?! What happened? are you alright? "  
  
He moved to Stiles and eased his trembling form back under the covers,  
" what is Stiles? Do I need to get a doctor? "

" no ..no.." Stiles maneged,  
" d..dad..Scott is. .shit..he is a werewolf! "

John looked at him for a moment then noded slowly,  
" you knew that !! How did you know that?!"

" Calm down. .He told me few days ago and believe me I had a good nervous breakdown over it too"

" what?!"

" apparently, werewolves are real and we were in the middle of a supernatural attack that day..A mad alpha who wanted to take over Scott's territory "

" Scott's ..territory? !"

" Yeah. .Scott is the alpha , too and he has a pack ..some teenagers who came once when you were sleeping, and it seems that they saved us that day in the ER , but honestly, I don't remember anything after blacking out .."

Stiles looked at his dad with open mouth for a long time,  
" holy shit! " he said slowly and John just noded approvingly,  
" that what I said, too"

.............................

After getting the werewolves subject clear , Stiles was little bit shocked to say at least but on the other hand, at least he knew he wasn't losing his mind just yet.

His dad tried to bring the Leukemia thing to the talk but again Stiles told him that he was drained and not in the mood to talk about it now ..  
He pretended to sleep..as his mind kept racing with thoughts..

When he was young, long time before his mom got sick, Stiles was just a normal kid with wide imagination and endless supply of exiting ideas for great adventures. He was Batman all the time and one day he met Scott , who gladly agreed to be his Batman' s Rubin... and it was just perfect. .

Stiles was so active and ongoing to be the assistant and Scott was too calm and sweet to be the trouble maker so they balanced each other. It was always like that , so when did life decided to take away Stiles cape and give it to Scott ?  
He had no idea..  
How can Stiles be the sick kid in a hospital bed and Scott is the ' werewolf ' with pack ?!

He did not need Scott's tears to prove that his old friend won't hurt him , Stiles would never believe that Scott would actually hurt anyone ,the kid was just too good for his own self , even after all these years , the guniene concern in Scott's eyes didn't fade and it only made Stiles angry because he didn't want to know that someone out there did care about him when he himself didn't care about his own life..He was a heartless jerk and people were not supposed to give a shit about him. ...

And maybe this is why life decided to hit him between the legs and send him down .. ...

He was not really a good person deep in his heart but Scott was, and this could explain why karma would punish him by taking away his luck and giving it to Scott.  
He felt betrayed and little bit disappointed. . But then he wondered, if werewolves are real, so angels are real too?

Who was his saviour or was it only his imagination this time ?  
If he was bad doesn't he deserve to die and go to hell ? Why would an angel save him?  
His head started to hurt with the restless thoughts so he let them calm down for a moment allowing the slumber to finally takes him away. .

...................................

  
Doctor Lynch came by couple of hours later and explained his treatment schedule and the whole list of instructions and side effects, some of which he was familiar with and some he was not but honestly not in any rush to be introduced to.

Then the doctor told him about the therapist that he should expect to come by the afternoon,

" I don't want therapy " he said ,but with such an impressive history of anxiety and depression nobody thought twice about what he wanted.

Melissa came the next day ..  
Between her sad smile and guilty tone , Stiles didn't really care because his dad told him she wasn't a werewolf, so he let her say whatever she needed to say without having the energy to actually pay attention, at least not till she swallowed hard and said that Scott was outside and he wanted to see him,

" you have the right to be angry an confused Stiles " She said, " but at least give Scott the chance to talk to you, he needs it as much as you do"

Stiles hesitated , if he said no she will leave and he will be alone with dad which would certainly bring the cancer talk in, and it wasn't something he was ready to do just yet, so

" Okay ".

He said quitly , surprising both his dad and Melissa.  
Few minutes later his room's door opened slowly revealing a trembling Scott who wasn't alone but was followed by three girls and three boys behind him 

A sweet brunette and an attractive strawberry blond walked togather followed by some bad ass blond with hot red lipstick , a broody black guy and a curly hair baby face dude and finally a tall man in a leather jacket whom closed the door behind,.

Stiles knew he should feel scared by the sudden flood of strangers in to his room but instead he looked at each one of them with curiosity more than fear till his eyes landed on the last guy and his eyes went wide ,

" I know you " he said ,  
" you are the angel ! "

.................. ...................... .....................

 


	4. It is not nice to meet you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello werewolves. .  
> Hello chemo. ..  
> Hello misery. .

" Will you die for me ?  
No wait that was so easy,  
Will you live for me?"

..................................

Chapter four

  
They looked at each other and frowned the same moment Derek froze in his place , little confused ,  
" Excuse me? !"  
It was the first time of the pack meeting Stiles but not the first time they saw him , and surly they didn't want to repeat the events of that first time ever , but the word 'angel ' was not new coming from the human's mouth, except the first time no one had really payed attention to what a delirious, half conscious kid was saying when he was howled out from a fighting feild close to death himself, or at least no one cared till he repeated it again in a serious, surprised voice , his face was starting to flush crimson like he just realised what he had said,

" I ..I am sorry, I don't know what was that ..I mean I'm.."  
The room reeked with the scent of heavy embarrassment ,

" probably a nightmare. .don't mind " Stiles said, and the group looked at each other easily detecting the lie ,

" you had a nightmare in which Derek was your saving angel?!"  
Of course that was Erica speaking boldly with a small smirk on her face and making Stiles flush even more , but instead of saying anything Stiles let the awkward silence wash over the room regretting that he allowed Scott and his sniffing bodies to come in the first place and regretting opening his mouth without thinking even more , seriously, his lack of filters was getting him in too much troubles than he could manege and sometimes his destracting techniques weren't fast enough to cover for his flaws and things went south real quick before he even notice ,just like this exact moment , he found himself facing totally unwanted situations ,  
He huffed and pretended , he had to play the classical dump card , act as if nothing had happened and just hope for the best,

" so, all of you are werewolves ?"  
" no " said the strawberry blond girl  
" I am a banshee and Allison here is a hunter"  
" a Banshee? Wait ! like the one who calls for death "  
Her eyebrows disappeared behind her head bandana and she pursed her lips in an obvious sign of disagreement,  
" Banshees don't call for death, that is rediculous! I sense death, this a whole different thing " She looked away impetiently before adding,

" jeez, I remember you was smart, I think I was over rating you"

He looked at her curiously,  
" we met before? "

Scott snorted, all the guilt on his face momentary forgotten,  
" Dude , this is Lydia Martin! "

Stiles gaped , Lydia Martin! ! Like his crush Lydia Martin! WOW! when exactly did he forgot her?  
' maybe sometime between being obsessed with killing himself and being in the nuts house ' he thought,  
But anyway , when he took a proper time to actually look at her , he could easily see that she didn't change at all , she was still as beautiful as a dream ,elegant as a princess and sharp as a knife , oh , and a banshee, too , sad thing she can only 'sense' the death and not actually call it, maybe he would've asked her to help him,

" well, I am not an expert in supernatural and giving the fact that I only knew that this whole craziness exists less than 24 hours ago I won't apologise for not knowing exactly what a banshee is"  
"Well, no one tolerate excuses of ignorance, if you don't know it just say so without being proud of yourself ,don't act childishly"

" Lydia! No need for this !" Scott called surprised .

Stiles looked at her with heated look and tried to contain himself, oh my god , she is rude!

" sorry Stiles, you know Lydia! " Scott said in half smirking tone  
" NO Scott, I won't apologies for being honest! " Lydia said mocking , and Stiles felt anger sparks through him , okay, no asking for her help even if she could call death!  
" you are the one whom came to my room, at least have some bedside manners "

Lydia just rolled her eyes and tapped the floor slightly with her high heels like her patience is going thiner every moment .Stiles thought that she was the type who didn't appreciate being addressed by less than " whatever you want your majesty " tone but he on the other hand didn't give a shit about making new friends or even making people like him period so...

" GUYS , GUYS ..calm down ..Lydia no need for this ..Stiles, we are not here to piss you off.. I am actually here to apologise and this is my whole pack, they came to meet you "

Stiles huffed and thought that he didn't really care,  
" nothing to apologise for Scott... I overreacted , and you saved me and my dad that day , or that what I have been told, so, we are even"  
  
" well , you guys won't be dragged to this if I wasn't here , so , .."

" it is all in the past now , just forget about it "  
Stiles interrupted him , not in the mood for Scott's self blame game,

" great! " blurted Erica excitedly and looked at Scott rolling her eyes,

" he said it is enough Scott!" She smiled,  
"So, since we got this sorted now, let me introduce you to everyone,  
"I am Erica" She said then leaned playfully to the big black guy,  
" this is my boyfriend Vernon, but you can call him Boyd ... this is Isaac " She noded her head to the blonde curls , then the brunette  
" Allison here is our group's bad ass hunter..you and Lydia already have a history " then she finally pointed to the leather jacket man smirking for some reason,  
" Derek is our former Alpha"

Derek shook his head lightly then made a complex eyebrows expression that Stiles didn't believe anyone can do before, something between ' unnecessary informations ' or " You have a big mouth" or simply maybe it was just ' I can't wait to get out of here '

'" so we all here because as Scott said you guys were hurt because of us and the least we can do is to offer a proper 'sorry ' , usually we are so cautious for not to get humen get involved but sometimes crazy stuff happen and innocent people gets hurt , so..."  
" the nurse? ! "  
Scott's face fell immediately,  
" Mrs. Johnson tried to protect the other patients and she.. died doing it"  
He sniffs slightly,  
" she was a great person and one of the bravest people I have ever seen. ..I won't forgive myself for what happened to her"  
Allison moved to Scott and offered some little comforting arm pats before she whispered something in his ear that Stiles couldn't hear , but the whole act screamed 'relationship 'and he could definitely recognise the romance between the two of them ,  
" we told the other two patients who were in the ER about werewolves " Erica said wit new irritation in her voice,  
" but they didn't take it so well...like at all"  
Stiles rose his eyebrows questioning,

" they thought we are making a prank !" Isaac spoke,  
" they said that they don't believe that anything that happened was real , even , Mrs. Johnson, they didn't believe she was really dead! ..They were supposed to go to the police station the day after to tell them what happened, but the morning after , they weren't there "  
'" what do you mean? !"  
" they left the hospital " Erica spoke again,  
" somehow they sneaked out without the nurse noticing "  
" but this is impossible, they were like 70 year old and sick !, how the hell can they sneak out?!"  
" I don't know. .but we looked everywhere, Their car disappeared , they were married for like 50 years or something ,and the husband was in the ER that day for a broken toe only ,so maybe they just freaked out and left Beacon hills "

" what about the beast. .The other wolf ,I mean or whatever that was? !"

" he still out there" Derek spoke for the first time,  
" His name is Demyan, and he is one of the strongest alphas I have ever faced"  
Stiles frowned, " the 7 of you couldn't take one wolf down?"

" He is unexpected, and he seems always one step ahead of us "  
It is not like Stiles cared , he didn't, but he was curious, this whole world was still a big mystery for him and he just couldn't resist the temptation to know more about, it is how he is , he couldn't tolerate not knowing, especially when it's about intersting stuff and this was the most interesting thing he had faced since years, . It flickered something old in his soul that suddenly he was in front of ; werewolves , banshee and ..A hunter? !

" what does a hunter do?" He asked Allison who did not speak to him since they came but hesitated a little before she finally said,  
" I ...My family hunts Supernatural creatures..but only those who hurt people. .it is called the code , we hurt those who hurt us"  
"You mean you actually hunt ? Like with a hunting rifle?"  
" a bow and arrows actually " Lydia huffed annoyed, but Stiles was little bit shocked to comment on her bossy attitude again, he was occupied by the fantasy that jumped into his brain of the Hunger Games charcter , Katniss Everdeen, when she shot an arrow at the apple in the pig's mouth and shocked the game makers, it was one of his favourite scenes in the movie , except now he imagined that it was Allison instead and , yeah.. she would kinda fit in Jennifer Lawrence role , wow!

"All of this.. and still you couldn't catch the crazy werewolf? ! " He said mocking and the group around him shifted uncomfortably in their places, some of them looked guilty and others (mainly Lydia ) looked annoyed,

" we are working on it " said Derek, " but till then we need to make sure that what happened before won't happen again "

" meaning? !" Stiles questioned ,

" you, your dad and Miss MCcall should be protected ,one of us will be around all the time to make sure you are safe till we finish Demyan "

Stiles snorted,  
" Whatever you want to do ,do it without being inside this room , I am not interested in being involved "

" I don't know if you can see this clearly but you are already involved, Demyan knows about you and he can easily targets you "

" what do you mean target me? I was just another person in the hospital the day of the attack , why would he takes a special interest in me?"

Scott's face clouded with guilt,  
" He knows that you are important for me Stiles, He knows that hurting you will hurt me too"

" important to you? Why ? How ? "

" we are best friends ..."

" we were ..long time ago " Stiles huffed  
" I don't want to be dragged into this , I have enough crap in my life "

" Stiles" Scott moved closer to his bed ,  
" I am so sorry. .I never wanted you to be dragged into this mess , but. .man, you are my friend. .you will always be my friend "

Well...

'Damn Scott's stupid royalty! ' Stiles thought, because for some reason Scott lached to him like a bug even when Stiles tried to give him all the reasons in the world to let him go.

" Can I talk to Scott alone for a second? " he looked to his dad then to everyone who hesitated for a moment then noded,  
Once the door was closed behind them he turned to Scott,

" I have no friends "

" of course you do.. We were friends since kindergarten. .We never stopped being friends Stiles, never"

" No Scott we stopped. .I know I do .. The last 3 years are obvious evident that I don't want anything in relation to you.."

" I know we didn't talk. .but I didn't have your phone number or any other way to contact you because you've never spoken to me since you moved to New york, but then I thought... you needed some space and I didn't want to rush you. ."

" then consider that I still need my space "

" but Stiles. ..man..I missed you so much, I missed hanging around and playing video games togather and All the fun we had when we made pranks in the school and ended in detention "

" that was long time ago, we were kids but know we grew up , so leave your nostalgia behind and go on with your life"

" Stiles, why do you insist on acting this way ? "

" what way ?!"

" this..I don't know. .being a jerk! !"

" I am a jerk ! so why don't you just forget I am even in town... I don't know why did I agree to come back in the first place, this was really a stupid idea.."

" but things are different now . I am not the same person I used to be ."

" yeah I can see..you are a werewolf now !! Because apparently this is a thing! ! Oh no wait , you are not just a werewolf, you are an alpha. .big strong alpha with a pack who follow you around. .but you know what? I don't care ! That might have been excited when I was a naive 12 year old kid . Now , in case you didn't notice I have changed, too , and I have no interest in joining your precious pack."

" Okay...but I am not asking you to do that ..All I want is to protect you and the Sheriff from Demyan, because Demyan is my fault. . once he is out, if you want , you won't see me again or anyone of the pack Stiles "

Stiles took a long breath and thought for a moment,  
" Fine !" He said, " Fine"

...........................................

"I ...This is not new.. I always knew it is going to happen ..right? It is my destiny, always was.. so why I don't feel so good about it now.."

Stiles was curled on his side, tears running freely on his face ..

John knew it was one the bad days when Stiles refused to eat his breakfast and didn't speak all the morning.  
He was starting Chemo in the next day and John knew how much he hated it , so the sudden depression was kind of expected,

" Stiles. .kiddo "

" no..no.. something isn't right. .It should feel better, I am finally having what I have wanted for a long time , so why the hell does it feel like I can't breathe?! "

" Son , just calm down you are freaking out. ."

" THAT IS WRONG. .shit that is so wrong.." he cried louder as his finger nails digged violently in the bed covers beneath him that his dad had to stop him before ripping his nails off by the force of what he was doing

" for god's sake. .just listen to me for a moment. . Stiles. .you are not happy because you don't want this son as much as I do not want it .. ."

" of course I want this ..shit..I really want this .." he whined, " but ...why?...I wanted to do it my way, why does it have to be the hard way ?  
why should it be the slow and painful way "

" believe me kiddo you don't want it ..you want to live Stiles. .you want a life..to find love and to have friends and to be happy. .no one want to die.. son , you don't want to die. .you have to fight it just like all the times you did it before. .We are the Stilinskis, we kicked the cancer butt many times before , it is what we do.."

He shoved himself between Stiles back and the headboard, and circled him with his arms like he did ten times before when his kid used to zone away and need the physical bond to keep him grounded,

" I don't want to fight..I am sick of fighting lost battels "

Ugley whimpers made themselves known as John hand soothed his son's hair lightly,

" but we never lost before. .We are so good in that kiddo ..we are masters"

" I. ..I. ."

" shh.. you will be okay..I am going to take care of it ..just sleep Stiles "

" you can't this time..no body can."

" I can do a lot of things kiddo , you will be surprised, but right know I need you to just close your eyes and sleep , can you do that?"

Loud whimpers got lower and lower till they were replaced by shaky breathes and occasional moans. John smoothed his hair one more time and placed him gently under the covers as he thought about tomorrow one more time..

....................................................  
  
When he was twelve he met a girl called Linda ..She had neuroblastoma and she was dying, but for some weird reason she wasn't so sad all the time the way he was..

Linda always wear dresses and coloured wigs , but the pink wig was her feivorete.  
He knows because she always wear it in the good days , when she felt well enough to not lie in bed all day but to take some balloons and candies and come to see him in his room ,

" you look better today '"

She would say , all the time , even when he looked bad ,  
" Why do you bring me balloons and candies? " he would ask

" everyone deserve someone who brings them some balloons and candies "

" but I never brought you any ?!"

" maybe one day you will, but even if you don't, I won't stop bringing you some"

The last time Stiles saw her, she was wearing an orange wig and her face was as white as sheet,

" don't be sad if no one brought you gifts Stiles, if you gave others some you would feel as good as you were the one who was been given "  
The next day she died...and Stiles hated her for being so nice to him just to leave him behind and die, so he never followed her advice. .and he never made new friends ..and he hated orange..he hated it from the bottom of his heart. .

..................................

Derek Hale was the one who stayed around in mornings since everyone else went to school . Stiles was doing everything he can to ignore him, but then , one day his body decided to betray him. He was stumbling in his way to reach the toilet , dragging the small oxygen tank behind before he puke all over his bed, he was about to fall when ,in a blink of an eye , Derek was practically carrying him to the tile ,  
" you can use the pan next to your bed , you know, this is why it's there "  
" non" cough, cough " of..your " heave " damn business. ."  
It took him 10 minutes to finally sprawl away from the toilet, breathing heavily through his nasal cannula ,

" Damn ..Cancer ..Damn freakin Chemo !"

"Let me help you " Derek tried to move closer before Stiles curled away from him,  
" GO AWAY ... Don't want your freakin ...pity "  
" well don't be a freakin stubborn and open your eyes. .no one is pitting you "  
Stiles struggled to curl further upon himself, but his trembling limps wouldn't obey, tears of pain and humiliation run freely on his cheek , stuffing his nose and making his breathing more difficult,  
" go away ! I want my dad " He wasn't giving Derek the satisfaction of him begging even when he felt like begging right now,

" let the f-freakin alpha kill me , just leave !"

" Stiles! "

Melissa called concerned, and he didn't know when she slipped in without him noticing,

Damn Cancer..Damn stupid people. .Damn his life !

"Stiles honey, calm down , you are working yourself up over a stupid thing "

" I just want my dad! Go out!"

" Stiles, your dad is in work today, you know he can't stay with you all the time, he need to work"  
Yeah..Stiles knew that ,without Melissa telling him like he was a 5 year old kid with separation anxiety ,but asking for his dad was all what he can do right now, his father was the only one who was allowed to see the broken, weak Stiles, not Melissa and certainly not Derek. .

He felt like he was losing control and Melissa's light steps as she tried to approach him made him freak out even more, his blunt fingernails digged desperately in to the flesh of his forearm to inflect any detracting pain , something that is familiar and controllable but then, strong hands were pinning his own hands away from his body and taking his control away ,

" No ! No ! Let go , Let me go !"

" Stop it right now, stop this !"

  
Strong arms were encircling him now ,  
" stop it! Let me go !"

" Stiles! Stiles! "

The frantic calls were the lastthing he heared before the needle prick that took every thing into oblivion. .

................................

When he woke up he was alone and a giant book was on the night stand next to his bed, a small note on top that says,

" Make yourself useful and catch up some reading "  
Then in another handwriting,  
"P.S, the 'angel ' won't be around all the time to carry you , it is not like he is complaining, but don't make a habit out of it "

He rolled his eyes with amusement , seriously those guys were beyond rude. but to be honest he secretly kinda liked how the stupid note took his mind away from the still fresh humiliation memory , he knew it won't be the first and it definitely won't be his last , that was practically his life, and having the cancer back will only aggravate his shitty need to depend on others , hopefully though, it won't take long for the nosy pack to be driven away from his pathetic existence real soon , Scott, Melissa and even shady Derek will get bored and won't be around as much when they get tired of him and then he hoped he will have the chance to finish his old task and join his mom.

  
It won't be far away in the future , he thought ..but till then he didn't mind doing some Supernatural reading ,

  
He opened the first page and read,  
" Alpha "  
............................

 

 


	5. Losing faith

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and Melissa. ..Some angst..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *This is half the original chapter five because I didn't like transition after all the angst..  
> So, sorry for the somehow shorter chapter, and wait for action filled chapter six ..  
> * as always. .enjoy..

"If you gave someone your heart and they died, did they take it with them? Did you spend the rest of forever with a hole inside you that couldn't be filled?"

..........................................................

Chapter 5

  
Days are heavy but they never stop moving, some are good, some are bad and some are just really really bad ..  
John Stallinski had a life time to learn how precious the good days are, he also learned that the bad ones are just something to accept and deal with , the really bad days though. .They still do get him..

"oh my god! ! it hurts. .it hurts so bad..dad"

Those words ...they stabbed him in the heart..

  
He was raised in a strict house, his life was hard growing up, he had to work in early age to support himself and his family and he built his whole life from the scratch, for God's sake, he is not a weak a man and he certainly wasn't so fond in emotions or chick flick movements ..yet , somehow he had been crying alot in the last ten years, no , actually he started crying from the first time his only kid was diagnosed with cancer, and since then, it doesn't seem that he is able to stop , it is not like life had exactly had given him a choice anyway, every thing was basically falling apart in a series of never ending tragedies and he just stood in the middle of it..

" I can't. .I can't do it"

Stiles shaking voice brought him back in to the shocking reality, one where he is completely useless, one where his kid was dying. .

" shhh kiddo. .you are alright. .you are alright. ."

" make it stop..please make it stop"

" I got you baby, I got you sweet heart ..I got you " He tried to hold him as much as he can without hurting him , but the kid was as fragile as a biscuit right now, one wrong move and he can break him,

" I beg you. ..Ahhhhhh it is so bad ..dad. ..It is so bad"

Pain..was something no one can control..  
Even with a full dose of the strongest analgesic, pain easily dominated Stiles weak body . His kid was curled on himself in the smallest ball ever , drenched in cold sweat and tight lines of pain , slight trembles ran through the tense ball of contracted muscles, and John, oh so useless John, couldn't do anything beside holding the boy's trembling frame as pain slowly took over him,

" hey ..hey Stiles look at me "

Minutes passed before Stiles maneged prying his eyes open to look at him, dull eyes full of agony,

" ..yeah that is it ,kiddo....now tell me, do you remember when you were just a little kid and you would come to my room on Saturday mornings and pock me in the eye till I wake up. .remember how hard I would try to ignore you so I can have just little more sleep, but you were just too stubborn and you would never take less than what you wanted ,so it always ended by me getting up and carrying you downstairs to where your mom would be standing in the kitchen baking some of those heavenly chocolate cup cakes. .and the aroma of the fresh pastry ...mmmm...was just too damn good that I would forget how tired I was and jump to the oven tray to catch one"  
A small attempt of smile break through the pain lines,

" mom..mom was always ..so.. .so damn angry cause ..she would turn..turn around and.. find half of it... empty "

John couldn't stop smirking at the memory,  
" her face would turn red beat and she would try too hard to look angry but for some reason it only made me laugh so hard..so she would threaten us by her wooden spoon ..remember how would you clutch me tightly ,with yout arms around my neck so we start running and she starts to chase us , you would shout ' faster daddy faster she is gonna catch us' and I would laugh harder and harder till we trept over the carpet and go face first to the couch., oh god. .then your mama would throw herself on top of us putting you in the middle between both of me and her.."

" and..then you..start ..to tickle m..me"

" of course we did ,it was the whole point of the game anyway ..We would tickle you so hard and laugh at your adorable giggle with your missing tooth till we get out of breath and just lie there, a human sandwich, holding each other ..though eventually you would start to fight to get out because your Dinosaurs show is about to start and you don't wanna miss it ...god ..this Dinosaurs obsession that you had growing up was unbleivable...It was a beautiful time "

"yeah.. I..loved Dinosaurs." He breathed deeply.. " d.. dad..These ..All. . it..seems. .so..far...away .. so. .old .."

" it does , dosen't it?"

Good memories hurt as much as it made them happy. .Good memories brought another people from another life and he didn't even remember when he was that happy ..how did he ever was that happy?

" I am so sorry. .so sorry Stiles "

Sorry for all the broken promises of happiness and safety. .

Sorry that you have to be in so much pain..

" I am ..sorry. .too..dad.."

......................................  
  
Melissa glanced at her watch again and swear that the damn thing was either broken or just a part of universal conspiracy against her , because that last 20 minutes of this hell- ish shift seemed to last forever and she felt like falling asleep in the middle of the hall by how much tired she was.  
Being a nurse wasn't really the easiest job in the world, but being a nurse who's also a single mom for a teenage alpha. .sucks ..big time. .  
Another glance at the watch told her it was down to 2 minutes now for her shift to finally end so she didn't waste more time, she put some patients files on the counter and headed to the nurse station except that before she shuffled the last file she caught John Stallinski setting across the hall with his head between his hands , obviously not okay, and something inside her just crumbled, and for a moment her physical need to rest was forgotten, because if her life was bad she didn't know what Stallinskis life would be called, this man had enough suffering for ten life times ,

" John, hey" She whispered , slightly afraid to sturtle him,

" Melissa. ."

Oh god. .his voice sounded so broken and it broke her own heart,

" John. .are you. .crying? ! "

She checked on Stiles that morning, she knew he had some really bad bone aches today that didn't calm even with the maximum dose of pain killers, but she also knew he finally maneged to fell asleep and get some rest evantually ..

It was bad..but again it wasn't the first time and John wasn't the one to cry or to fall apart this bad before,

" Melissa. .I don't know if I can do this anymore. ."

" oh John. ."

" I lied to him..again. .I keep promising him that every thing is going to be okay when I freakin know it won't! Nothing is going to be freakin okay! And I ..can't do anything to save him. .I already tried every damn thing and I can't..and the damn clock is ticking,I mean if this stupid chemo that's hurting him so bad didn't work, I dont know what to do ! I don't have a second plan. ..".

" John.."

" what kind of a shitty parent am I? I lie to my dying kid to make myself feel little better ..I make him go through all this and cant evenue be sure ito will help him. .shit....I am a freakin useless !!"

" John. .hey ..you are here with him every minute of every day, you do every thing in your hands and that counts ..believe me it counts"

"It not enough! It doesn't change anything "

Sobs ...

He was sobbing and Melissa felt she would just break down and sob, too , because what the hell could she say ? ! She knew he was right, it didn't change anything "

" John. .come on lets get out of here for a moment, you need to get out this place for a moment "

She weakly pulled him and he just let himself manhandled,  
" but what if he wakes up? !"

" I will make sure the nurse on shift keeps a close eye on him, if he just twitched she will call me "

He looked hesitant for a second but he obviously didn't have any energy to object so he just followed her..

........ ......................

"Back in NYC I joined a group support for parents who had depressed kids "

John said and took another sip from the coffee in front of him . Getting out the hospital did help him to put himself back togather a little bit ,even though his voice didn't stop wavering,

" I kept telling myself he was alright but he wasn't. .he did not eat or sleep and every time I saw new scars on his skin I wondered if he was trying to hurt himself on purpose ...God ..I thought I would come home one day and find out he made it..kill himself. ."

Melissa's eyes started to sting but she didn't look away from the trembling man settings in front of her,

" I didn't know what to do ..I would speak but he wouldn't listen, I would hold him and whisper assurance words in his ears but he wouldn't stop crying. ..and every time I asked him what did he want ? He would say..that..he wanted to. ..d-die"

If she wasn't seated just across him on the same table, she probably would not hear the soft sobs that broke his words..

" i put him in some psychiatric hospital so maybe some one knew how to really help him since i failed badly in understanding what he wanted from me , and then i started reading , surfing the internet for something to make me really help my kid..and t found this supprt group and went to one of their meetings looking for help .any thing to help my son who was falling apart in front of my eyes , and I thought , hoped, that maybe someone knew what to do...There was a woman who her daughter committed suicide after having depression for 3 years ..I remember her empty eyes and blunt voice as if she wasn't speaking about herself and her own daughter, but I guess that this is what losing your child turns you to . I could easily recognise the pain behind the cover..it was denial. .and I knew it because I've been there before. . ."

She pitted his hand gently without saying anything because he just needed someone to listen, he didn't need advices but there was so much guilt that she was afraid that it's going to eat him alive,

" but then it only made me think about how my life will be if Stiles..I mean if he ...oh god".he sobbed again.. "I know I am not a good father. ."  
, he finally said, " John. ."  
" no good parent will ever think about the relief after his sick kid..pass away"

He bite his lower lip,

" but just..when you see your kid twist in pain and beg you to stop it..god... I don't know what should I do ? I am so afraid that I am going to lose him yet I think it would be better if he just..give up already ..god ..I am ..I juse. ."

" hey ..no..you are a good father John Stallinski. .. but you are also a human being and I know you love your son so much that you cannot withstand seeing him in too much pain. .no one can ever blame you "

" yeah. .just keep saying that "

" it is the truth .. you try. You do all you can do, sometimes we cannot do anything about it , no matter how much we wanted, and it is not fair or even have any kind of sense in it , I know, but you keep hanging on, just ..keep in fighting as hard as you can"

" but..I promised Claudia to take care of him" he whimpered in a way that she never saw before,  
" and I know that Claudia knows that you are doing just that "

she said sadly..  
And she wasn't lying ..

See, Melissa knew Claudia as much as she knew John. .they had a history. .

The first time Melissa MCcall met the Stallinskis was 13 years ago. She was in her 2nd day as a new E.R nurse in Beacon Memorial when she saw a young couple harrying into the ER with a very sick kid that looked about the age of her own son  
and she couldn't not help them. It broke her heart that their little boy had Leukemia, she even tried not to get too close..or attached..But then Scott would come with her in too many shifts because no baby sitter was ever available during her late shifts and soon enough he found his way to Stiles room where the two of them met and just clicked instantly,

" I get sick too , I cough , cough, cough "  
Little Scott told little Stiles,

" I can hold your hand when you feel so much ichy"

Little Stiles noded and accepted the other boy's offer and they had been almost inseparable since, or at least till The Stallinskis moved to New york.

Claudia was Melissa's best friend in a way, both women with 2 husbands who work most of the day , and with 2 son's who are best friends.It started when Claudia offered for Melissa to leave Scott with them instead of taking him with her to work ,and in less than few months the 2 women were shopping and having late Sunday breakfast every week togather.

Claudia was there when Melissa had a divorce and Melissa was there when Claudia was diagnosed.  
Claudia made her promise to look after Stiles and John when she is gone , so Melissa promised her that and then she tried to hold her promise as mush as she could..

So , yeah. .Stiles was important for Melissa , the kid had won her heart the moment she first saw him in the ER and she liked to believe that he knew that .She remembered the times that he used to come to her when he needed to talk and hugged her for beinghis best listener / advicor ever, so, when exactly did they lost this type of bond down to almost no communication at all, she didn'd know.  
Some point along the way the kid lost his believe in everyone and crumbled on him self like a paper on flame and she didnt know how to make him better anymore..But it was temporary , she kept telling herself, it is not like she would really understand how much pain he was in? So how dare she judge him or bug him for not being the same ongoing charming boy anymore? ! How can she demand him to do whatever he didn't want to do?   
Yet..She only wished she can help..And she would never imagine that Stiles was falling apart so bad that it turned out to be a disaster! 

A whole torment that shocked everyone..  
She could never forget the day Scott came home crying and seemingly in shock ,he didn't even speak till few days later when he finally told her that Stiles tried to kill himself and she herself went numb with his statement.  
The smiling goofy child wasn't smiling anymore, he became angry all the time and slowly the Stallinskis went quieter and more withdrawn till one day they were out of Beacon hills without even tilling her..  
And of course she felt mor than little angry and frustrated but then she had done a lot of rational thinking and thought that maybe that was better ..Maybe Stiles needed it , so it was easy for her to forgive them ,  
Because after all. .  
Life was not a happy place for the Stallinskis and she wouldn't be another hatch along the way. .

...................................................


	6. The wolf attacks part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Demyan is attacking again ..  
> Stiles want to be involved in the supernatural but he is not totally welcome. .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for keeping you wait this long guys , this is part one of 'the wolf attacks' chapter, hope you like it :)

"I want words at my funeral. But I guess that means you need life in your life"  
...........................................

Chapter 6

He sensed it before it happens, as if something in the air suddenly shifted making it heavy and thick.The muffled voice of dragged footsteps spiked the fear in his gut because this wasn't the way the betas' steps should ever sound .He practically ran to the loft's door and knocked it open only to be met with a sight he would never want to ever see again; a bloodied Erica dragging half conscious Boyd, leaving a track of thick blood behin them,  
" what the hell happened? !" Yelled Derek rushing to them , catching Boyd from Erica who looked equally pale on a closer look, she panted deeply and started to sway slightly like she was about to fall , 

" Erica ! What the hell?! "

Derek leaned down the now totally unconscious Boyd on to the floor inside the loft and went to carry Erica who was as white as sheet, but she protested the moment he touched her and tried to straighten up by herself ,  
" I am o-okay ..just help Boyd. .he was shot..w - wolf's ban ..he l-ost a lot of b-blood"

Derek eyes widened ,  
" God damn it !! " 

He ran to the kitchen and frantically thrown all the cabinets open till he found a small jar in the back of one of them , ignoring the way his hands were shaking and his breath was breaking , he just kept moving around like a manic , grabbing a lighter and running back to where Boyd was laying down peeling away the blood drenched clothes ,Boyd heartbeats seemed weaker than a minute before making Derek curse under his breath,  
" where ? ! " He couldn't find the gunshot wound till Erica pointed with a shaken hand to her boyfriend's lower back , just above his pants ,  
" the b-bullet is out..but h-he still bleed-ing"

And Derek wasted no time ,spreading the black powder on the deep wound and lightening it up . Boyd screamed and curled on himself in pain while Erica practically crawled to where he was writhing between Derek’s hand,agonising pain and fear collided togather and gave the air a pungent odour that made Derek gag a little and fight for controlling his startled wolf till all the screaming finally subsided after what felt like ages of time leaving the black beta breathing hard, sprawled on the the floor with his head on his girlfriend thighs , both pale and tired but gradully recovering and replacing the pain scent with shaky relief and sense of unlimited grateful. Derek threw his head back with a sigh the moment the adrenaline rush seemed to fade in to overwhelming angery and confusion, once the urgency of the situation turned down a little he couldn't hold himself from asking what the hell had happened?! Erica and Boyd froze with sudden guilt radiating in waves from them , sending Derek in to a full blown panic,  
" just speak up , what happened? Who did that?"

" D-Demyan .. " Erica whispered ,

" He attacked us with wolf's ban and .." She bit her lips,  
" Derek. .He took Lydia "

........................................

It wasn't a bad day for a change..

Stiles had woke up feeling more energetic than he had in weeks , he dared to even send his dad to work claiming that he was really fine today. His dad's face lightened with the the announcement and he smiled the way he did long time ago , which maneged only to break Stiles heart a little. He ruffled his kid's hair and told him they should do something nice since he was feeling up to it instead of leaving him alone but Stiles only dismissed the "us" and told him he should go to work as Stiles will figure out something to kill the time by himself, 

" but you weren't feeling well in days , son , I think we should celebrate! "

Stiles rolled his eyes in amusement,  
" cause I can keep down the sorry excuse for a breakfast doesn't mean we celebrate , dad.. plus , I hate to point out that you didn't go to work for few days now , I am quite surprised you still have a job at all honestly! "

" well ..they are good people down in the station, they understand and there is nothing serious going on these days anyway "

" I would say to not push your luck with it ,then..besides. . as much as I hate saying this loud, but Scott and his "girlfriend" will be dropping by. .so I won't be all alone , you know "

John grinned, " I see that you are not so convinced by Scott's "girlfriend " ?

Stiles huffed, " they are just ...too much to deal with "  
all the dobby smiles, consistent touchs and the "I am drowning in your eyes" looks were getting him irritated, honestly, they both needed to get a room and finish whatever was all of this was about..  
Scott was a desperate romantic guy, all the cheesy acts came natural to him and Allison seemed responsive enough to encourage him ,so nothing they did was unexpected, really, and it is not like Stiles care ,at least not enough to point it out since he told Scott they are not really freinds and this whole ordeal is a strict business, he tried to push down the burning urge to yell at Scott and tell him to get a hold on himself a little, that he and Allison are little bit vulgar and the public doesn't need to deal with All This!  
That what they doing made some other teenagers' hormones explode, while the rest almost lose their breakfast with disgust..

But.. .  
That was something for old Stiles to say , this Stiles, however, didn't give a shit. .

" you sure you will be okay kid?" His dad was looking at him worryingly again , the way that made Stiles grit his teeth because he was treated as if he was invalid , and he hated it!  
Absolutely hated it ! !

" as much as a kid with cancer could be fine dad " He smirked with bitter irony, but his dad didn't even twitch a little smile

" not funny " John said, 

" the truth is not always funny dear father " ..

Suddenly all the light joy of the early morning hit a wall of bricks and old arguments resurfaced again ,

" why do you have to do this Stiles? You say you are fine then you start to say things like these making me wonder if I can ever believe you! Why don't you enjoy the fact that you are feeling better? ! Why do you have to make every thing more difficult? ! "

" why don't you get that one damn good morning doesn't change anything ! I still the same dying boy with the same mental issues "  
John sighed deeply , his hand trampling slightly,  
" I wish..I wish you understand that these small steps , small accomplishments , that you underestimate can be how everything is going to get better.."

"Okay ..okay " Stiles shifted a little,  
" let me do this the way you want father"  
he drew a fake smile on his face,  
" I feel fine ! No!! more than fine ..I feel Amazing ! like there is no single cancer cell exists in my body "

" Stiles. .for the love of God. ."  
" NO ,no, no let me finish. .I feel like I kicked the damn thing out and I am ready to emprace this lovely life! I will smell the roses, sing with the birds and lay under the warm sun.. because this magical world deserve to be lived with love ! I feel the Love daddy! I feel the love!" he hugged himself in exaggerated fake dramatic act then let the smile on his face turn in to some cold expression before he let his arms fall next to him,

"so..what do you think?! You liked it? "

John's face was blank, something between anger and frustration filled his eyes. He looked at his son briefly and shook his head,  
" Okay, let's do it your way Stiles ...I am going to work..have a nice day smelling the roses"

He marched out without even looking at Stiles, dragging a trail of disappointment behind as he let the door behind him close loudly, not caring that this is a hospital and he could be thrown out for this.  
Stiles lay down in silence, hiding the need to apologise behind the blank expression that he wore . He was not proud by how he acted , God knows his mom would be very disappointed if she was there..

But , again, she wasn't. .

And soon , he won't be here too..

Because he won't get better. .. He simply didn't want to , and his dad need to lose faith in him and stop doing everything he can to save him .  
Stiles didn't want someone to believe in him anymore , he didn't deserve it. .  
.....................................

" who do you think you are?!"

Said the skinny, Asian kid who was sharing the room with him.  
Stiles was hospitalised for having pneumonia and letting it progress till he couldn't breath in their third week in NYC , he had finished his chemo and declared as being cancer free before they leave Beacon hills, but he was still weak , underweight and very vulnerable to infections.  
So, when he started to cough , it wasn't unexpected, only that he didn't care ..just a little cold he thought, and even if it wasn't he had enough hospital time for a life time and no way that he was going back there again, so , he ignored it ..or tried..But his dad , even very busy in his new job, noticed the troubled cough and bought him new bottles of medicine above his already long list ..Stiles hated it, he never took any of it when his dad wasn't around till he ended on the bathroom floor gasping at the phone for dad to help him ...  
The next time he woke up, a ventilator was shoved down his throat in the ICU . 

He spent 10 days in the hospital. .

He hated himself for being so weak,again and how he called his dad in the middle of work like this .He wished he just lay on that bathroom floor and choked till his lungs gave up on him and let him slip in to the deep sleep he fantasised about most of his life... but he couldn't. .. 

Useless piece of shit !

Why was it too damn hard?! 

He thinks he would've killed himself that day if Scott didn't show , but in moments like these, when he calls his dad and never dares to finish it , he thinks he would have never actually did it. 

And if this was the truth. .then he was even more pathetic than he thought and didn't deserve to die..and this ...this simple idea only proves how much weak and pathetic he was, and this made him angry All the Time. .

Angry at himself , His dad and everyone else .  
He Yelled and threw temper tantrums like a big baby and talked rudely to his dad . He spat the pills on the floor and mistreated doctors and nurses till his hospital roommate once asked him with disgusted look on his face ,  
" Who do you think you are? !"

And instead of firing back some insults like he used to do , Stiles looked away and curled under the bed covers for the rest of the day thinking,  
What does this punk think asking him this kind of question when Stiles himself didn't know how to damn answer it ?! 

Because really. .who Stiles Stilinski think he was?!  
..... ..............................

" I am glad you feel better today, Stiles "  
Said a very beautiful girl named Allison Argent then leaned closer to the boy sitting next to her ,  
" yeah man.. you look really good ... and you smell better"

" I smell better?!" 

Scott shruged,  
" yeah, like less bitter and sick and more like your usual self" 

" okay Scott , I get it that it is kinda a werewolf thing but I prefer not to talk about the way I smell in front of everyone "

Scott grinned , " yeah ..sorry for that..it is just the scent thing is very important for werewolves. .it is like a super power "

" good for you ..but really, keep it to yourself"

" but you usually smell pretty good. .I mean when you are not sick and everything " puppy eyes Scott said .

Stiles rolled his eyes, he didn't wake up today with any expectation of spending the day discussing the way he smelled , but again that was so much who Scott was , the guy had no problem sharing his underwears with Stiles in mid school , the concept of embarrassment wasn't in his dictionary ,  
" Scott. . Please change the subject or leave me to sleep or do something better with my time "

Allison smiled a little and slipped from Scott's arms to the nightstand next to the bed. She raised the huge book and looked through the pages tentatively for a bookmark or something, when she didn't find any she looked at him questioning  
" you read any of it?"

Stiles shifted a little and he looked at her with all the confidence in the world,  
" more like finished it"

" NO Way! " shoat both Scott and Allison in one voice, 

" this is like a 1000 page !"

" 946 pages actually "

" still! You finished 946 pages in couple of weeks ? While being sick and in the hospital? "

" I got bored. .and I needed something to pass the time "  
More like he had this mortal curious drive that kept him awake most of the night , or as many nights that he was well enough to fight the sleep without being knocked down with tiredness and sickness.  
He was the kind of a guy who didn't like to be left behind so he had no problem reading his way to supernatural world till he rule it , since knowledge is power and all, so..  
Plus maybe, just maybe, there was a small chance he liked what he was reading too , learning about werewolves wake some deeply buried excitement in his soul, the way the real boring world blended with fantasy, where normal people can be secretly superheroes who save others lives , because that also meant that maybe his life doesn't have to turn out to sad tragedy and just like fairytale stories , he could be saved...

He shruged,  
" it had a lot of pictures. .so it is not like it's a big deal "  
" But Stiles! .. " Said Allison with new admiration in her voice,  
" IT IS A BIG DEAL..it took Lydia three months to finish it ..and she is the smartest person I know "

Stiles smiled,  
" Then , I guess there is a new Sheriff to this town , baby..Miss Lydia Martin needs to hand me her badge and lose some of the attitude "

Allison was about to fire back and defend her best friend when both her phone and Scott's started to vibrate in union .  
Scott frowned as he read the message while Allison's colour drained all of a sudden and she sat slowly near to Stiles feet once she finished reading hers . 

" shit..We need to go" Scott was pulling Allison before the moment he recoveed the momentary shock that overcame him ,

" wait! Scott ..what happened? !" Stiles shoat,

" sorry man it is an emergency. .We have to go "

Dread grabbed Stiles heart, 

" shit..is it my dad ?! Is he hurt?!"

" NO ! No the sheriff is fine"

Scott kept pulling Allison who was seemingly zoned out , not moving, not talking or even looking at either of them,  
" Stiles, it is another type of emergency. .come on Allison. .We have to leave now!"

" no wait Scott, what happened? Is it the beast ? The alpha werewolf"  
Scott was about to speak when Allison whispered, still looking at the wall behind Scott's head,  
" He..took....Lydia "  
Stiles frowned,  
" the alpha took Lydia? ! "

" Yeah ... he did..He attacked Erica and Boyd too , they both got hurt ..."  
Scott rose Allison and started to drag her with him when Stiles stopped him again  
"Scott let me come with you ! I can help !"

" what? ! no way man "

" hey ! Don't be stupid ,you said your betas were hurt and that means that he must've used wolf's ban , right? and that can kill you too..All of your pack except our hunter here ,who is apparently in shock ,and your banshee, whom also happened to be the brain of your little group, except now she is kidnapped , so unless you want everyone dead, you would help me out of here and let me save the day"

Scott frowned,  
"I can't man...listen .. I ..I wish I can .. but you are sick Stiles, I can't just do this! I won't forgive myself if something happens to you"

"I am freakin fine ! and as soon as this end I'll be back here in no time, but for this to actually happen , you have to help me out this damn room right now! " 

" Stiles. ."

" Listen. .I would've never asked for such a thing if I wasn't sure of what I am talking about. .you can chicken out , take your girlfriend and leave right now, but don't you cry a river when you got everyone killed because you are so damn stubborn! Plus you smart ass , this could be the alpha's plan from the start, to make you leave me a lone so he can kidnap me ,too"  
" Stiles. ." Scott was caught between doing what Stiles had emphasised and what every logical voice in his head screamed, a quick look at Allison showed the pleading in her eyes to listen to what his friend was saying, because honestly now, at this moment ,Stiles was their only chance to get Lydia back..

He had no choice. .  
" damn...my mom will kill me ..Okay !"  
.....................................

" Have.you. lost.your.mind? !!"  
Derek eyes were shining blue with the the anger that bubbled underneath his skin ,the day was going from bad to worse in a faster rate than he can keep up with. First Erica, Boyd and Lydia get attacked and now Scott brings Stiles , the dying human, in to his loft ! 

What the hell? !

The kid was pale as a paper , the sickness scent still lingering heavy around him , breathing leboured despite the nasel canula that Allison was holding the oxygen tank attache to it ,he was sure that whatever rediculous excuse Scott had for this would be thrown back in his face , because really what the hell?! ,the last they needed was babysitting a sick boy !.. 

Damn Scott and his emotional driven actions !

" care to explain what is he doing here??"  
Before Scott opened his mouth,however, Stiles interrupted,  
" "he" is right here ! And "he" is the only one who can help you saving your little group banshee "

Derek ignored him and grabbed Scott's elbow to move them to the kitchen,  
Once they were alone ,he grabbed Scott's shirt,  
" the kid outside is probably dying! Are you out of your damn mind ! "  
" Derek! Stop this and let me talk! Holy shit! "  
Derek shoved him against the wall roughly before he finally let go;  
" Go on then! Tell me genius what were you thinking? "

Scott stood up and straightened his ruffled Henley,  
" well !! first of all , I couldn't leave him alone without protection! And secondly, he can help"

" How? ! How the hell can he help?!"

" He finished the book that we gave him! He practically knows more than anyone in this loft about supernatural now, you don't know Stiles, he is real smart. ."

Derek interrupted,  
" I don't freakin care how much smart he is! I don't care if he read a hundred book! Right now he is still more of a problem than a help, Scott. ..even if Lydia is not here we can talk to Deaton ,who knows way more than your nubie friend by the way, so this is just a lame excuse Scott! "

 

" but how could I leave him without anyone of the pack in watch Derek! "

" well, call his dad ! Tell him we have an emergency and he need to send someone to look after Stiles! Give them some wolf's bane and let them handle it! Holy shit!  
Do you even understand what happened? ! Lydia was taken when she was with two werewolves , one of them was shot and almost died! Scott we cannot protect anyone when we can't protect ourselves ! and right now we certainly can't look after a dying kid above everything else! I don't want to be responsible for your friend death , Scott!"

Scott flinched when he heard the last part and put his head between his hands trying to fight the overwhelming sense overcoming him,  
" shit...you are right... it is just..every thing happened so fast..I ..I panicked! I didn't know what else to do, okay? "

" well you have to take him back to the hospital, that is the right thing to do "

" But Derek..we don't have time! "

" Scott. .you did that . So , fix it! "

Scott bit his lips with frustration and reluctantly moved to where Stiles was laying on the Couch in the leaving room . ..

.......................  
" so , I think I have to leave" 

Said Stiles tiredly as he attempted to sit rather than lay on the leather couch, a strong scent of mixed anger and frustration radiated from him.  
Scott moved fast to pin him down before he hurts himself,  
" easy man..just let me help .."

"Get your hands away from me.. you already helped enough "

" Stiles. ."

"Don't. ..I thought you are the alpha here ..I thought you are the one who makes the calls but obviously you are not" 

He looked angrily at Derek who just brushed the heated look as if it was nothing.  
" Scott is the alpha but we make important decision as a pack, bringing you here was not the right call"

Scott moved to help him sit again ignoring his protest,  
" I am sorry man, but Derek is right. .bringing you here was a mistake. .you need to go back to the hospital "

Stiles cheeks flushed with anger,  
" You know Scott , I was illustional when I thought you could ever change! You can only follow orders , you can't even stand for yourself even when you are the freakin alpha! But unlike you, I can make my own damn decisions , I knew what I was getting myself in to when I told you I want to come.."

He then ignored Scoot's hurt look and looked back at Derek, " I said that I can help, you can't just tell me about this mess and expect me to sit behind , not when you made me and my dad involved in it !"

" I thought you don't care about anything have to do with the pack .." Said Derek coldly,

" I don't. .but when it comes to my own safety and my dad's , I don't trust any of you"

Derek gritted his teeth;  
" that is exactly why you shouldn't be here, now, Scott will take you back to the hospital "  
Scott hesitated, as much as Stiles words was making him angry ,the logical part in his brain told him to do the right thing.  
After a moment of silence he sighed and moved his hands around his friend's shoulders again , lifting him slowly, 

" I'll get you some wolf's bane man, no werewolves can came near you "

Stiles struggled in his hands;  
" isn't that how your betas were hurt at first place? the alpha beast used it on them..He obviously knows how to use it on you without it affecting him!"

Scott frowned and opened his mouth without speaking, unable to find the right words till Derek spoke again,  
" whatever happened we will take care of it and get Lydia back, you, however, are not welcome to stay here during this " he crossed his arms then continued  
"Scott , take Allison and go to the storing room to get Stiles some mountain ash and wolf's ban " 

Scott sighed and let go of Stiles and looked at Allison who was frowning in irritation, both of them were thrown between doing what Derek was saying, the right thing as they knew, and just ignoring him and keep Stiles so he can help them in getting Lydia back.

Allison moved next to Derek and whispered quietly,  
" Derek maybe. ."  
But Derek looked back at her with a knowing look , telling her by his eyes that Stiles won't be able to make it alive if they got him involved in this.  
She bit her lower lip and breathed deeply before grabbing Scott's hand and moving to the loft's door. 

Stiles shoat that he didn't want anything from them ,  
" I'll call my dad to pick me !" He screamed angery despite the fact that his whole frame was trembling and his heart was pumping crazy fast,  
" I hope you all die you damn animals! I hope you all die!"

Derek sighed and ushered Erica to keep an eye on the troubled human then he lift the room.  
..........................

The pack's storage room wasn't actually a room ,It was more of an under ground dungeon that was located at the edge of the woods and was used as a hiding place and storage of weapons. It resampled something that hunters build, except that every door in the place had an electronic lock on it with a code, thanks to Danny Manhallini .This code changed periodically and only the pack members had access to it. 

Lydia and Allison came up with the idea of creating this room after the loft had been attacked one day and all their stoke had been stolen, and since their enemies had ranged from hunters to almost everything in the supernatural spectrum, keeping all types of weapons usually came as more handy than not.

Scott and Allison were few inches from the wooden trapdoor when they noticed that it wasn't covered by tree leaves the way it always made sure it did for camouflage , they looked at each other worryingly then Scott lifted it up and started to go down slowly followed by Allison before they both froze in their places..

Every single wooden and metal safe were opened ,all the glass cabinets were emptied of every single gun, rifle, knife and herbal jar.. then beside one large open glass display cabinet lay a prone figure in heavy restrains, 

" Isaac! !"

Both Scott and Allison jumped to him but only Allison moved to cut the heavy wolfsban soaked ropes , throwing them away and creasing Isaac face gently before removing the mouth gag, and allowing Scott to move close and help his beta and his friend into sitting position, 

" Are you alright ?"

Isaac nodded, already starting to heel the small cuts that covered his pale skin,  
" what happened? ! " 

" D-Demyan " answered Isaac,  
" and Scott. ..He was not alone.."  
...........................................


	7. The wolf attacks ,part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Would They save Lydia ?  
> Would Stiles do something?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Two uploads in one week..Just for you my favourite readers ;)  
> * Enjoy

" things die, but they don't always stay dead, believe me, I know "  
....................

Chapter seven

"You shouldn't speak to Scott this way"  
Said Erica with annoyned tone, 

She was standing near the door entrance, her arms crossed in front of her chest,  
" Scott is pretty good alpha, you had no right talking to him like this"

Stiles mimicked the way she crossed her arms and looked at her challenging,  
" oh yeah ? Well , I don't agree with you and I only speak what I see, Scott didn't even bother to stand up for himself "

" just because he is a good person doesn't mean he is weak..you said you read the pack's book so you must know how a werewolf becomes a true alpha ..The fact that Scott is withstanding your shit, though doesn't mean he can't snap your neck before you blink, human ... and just for you to know, We only help you and your dad because he asked us to do it , so the next time you disrespect him, sick or not, I, personally, will make sure that you won't even have the chance to finish the sentence "

Stiles frowned,  
" you threatening me?"

" take it as you want, but I am only warning you once, next time you won't have this luxury "  
She said before she walked out , not even bothering with looking back at the half sitting / half laying human on the couch. 

......................................

Stiles sat there breathing hard..  
Not angry ..No ..he was furious !

The blonde girl humiliated him in a way no one did before; in a way he never thought he would be spoken to before. The exploding energy he mastered early to argue with Scott and Derek was replaced by a storming sense of anger and humiliation , making him rocks in his place with the force of it,  
" How dare she?! "  
The way he talks to Scott was not her business and it certainly doesn't give her the right to talk to him like this! He tried to calm down a little bit, clutching his phone to call his dad, voicing in to the empty room around him that coming here was the worst idea and the biggest mistake he had ever made.  
Damn the arrogant wolves and their unappreciative hairy butts !

He tried to ignore the shaking hands and the way the sweat on his forehead was sliding inside his eyes, but he couldn't ignore his loud heart beats and how they fell his head with continuous thudding ,he tried to stabilise his hand enough to hold the phone but it was suddenly thousand times harder than he can ever remember it being , 

" calm down puppy "  
A voice said from behind startling Stiles, the phone jumped out of the shaky hand and fell down under the table in front of him, 

"Now , relax or your heart will explode and the last thing we want is shreds of a human's heart all over the leather couch, surly my naphew won't appreciate it"

Stiles head shocked to the direction of the voice to be met with a pair of cold blue eyes and a creepy smile.  
His breathing became more difficult and his vision blurred a little, but the stranger didn't get any closer, only standing there in the corner watching Stiles panicking like it was the most interesting thing in the world, 

" what the hell is going on? !"

Stiles heared Derek’s voice before he saw him moving closer to where he was folded on himself, it only made every thing worse and Stiles felt the world around him blur like he was underwater; 

" what did you do Peter? !"The voice came broken and barley recognizable,and Stiles could only let Derek’s face blur in to a bizarre pattern of colors till blackness won and engulfed every other shade of colour..

....................................

All the werewolves were sitting in the living room wearing a grim expression on their faces. Scott's fingers were twitching as he rocked nervously in his chair with the burnning desire of going up and helping his obviously weak freind while he was descending the stairs, but all the eyes were focused at him and asking him to not move,  
" that is rediculous! He needs help !"  
" he does " Derek said ,  
" but he doesn't seem to understand the concept , so let him come to the this conclusion himself "

" what if he falls from the top of the stairs?" Scott bit his lips,  
" it is not enough that he had a panic attack because of your crazy uncle?! "

" his heartbeats are steady and he is moving slowly, he won’t fall , plus , I don't know how exactly he had that panic attack but it happened before Peter come , you know Peter only makes things uncomfortable but he would never hurt a sick kid "

" so why would he have a panic attack if it wasn't for Peter ? I went out for less than 30 minutes and you guys were supposed to keep an eye at him ! Instead, I find him passed out from a panic attack, laying in your bed Derek just after your creepy uncle was here !How the hell did that happen? !"

"Well, that is exactly what I told you is gonna happen Scott! He is sick and weak and we have enough problems without adding baby sitting on it ! Your human freind most come to terms with this too , let him come down by himself, let him understand that he needs to be in a hospital bed instead of hanging around werewolves ! "

Allison tightened her hand around Scott's reassuringly, holding him to the seat .  
Isaac, Erica and Boyd were sitting on the couch , while Derek was pacing around lightly when finally shuffled steps and leboured breaths made themselves known.

Stiles walked with one hand on the wall and the other dragging the oxygen tank behind him till he practicality collapsed in to the nearest empty chair, not meeting any of the werewolves' eyes..  
Heavy silence except for the harsh breathes filled the living room when Scott finally spoke,  
" I called my mom, she is waiting for you Stiles, we should leave to the hospital now"

Stiles took a couple of breaths before he spoke, still looking at his feet,  
" Okay "  
Scott sighed,  
" it's. .this was a wrong idea from the start, Stiles , I shouldn't had agreed to it ..I am sorry, you.."

" No Scott, it was my fault ,I am the one who should have known his limitations better than that ... All of you were right, I am only a weak sick human who made a fool of himself"

" I am sorry man I didn't want it to be like this, I didn't want any of this to happen "

The heavy scent of embarrassment filled the room ,  
" yeah..well.. I should have known better, I deserve being dragged back to the hospital, I will do what ever you want me to do , I will take the mountain ash and the wolf's ban and leave it to you guys to kill the alpha "

Scott's face fell,  
".. the mountain ash and the wolf's ban are not available now..."

Stiles rose his head at that, a look of slight hurt and surprise crossing his face,  
" oh...I ..I understand I don't deserve your protection but my dad didn't do anything wrong. ."

Confused looks were exchanged , Erica rolled her eyes and mumbled something under her breath, receiving a glare from Derek in return,  
" No man ..it is not what you think..this is not a punishment Stiles. ."  
Scott said tiredly but stopped when Allison ran her hand on his arm warmly as a silent sign that she got it from there,  
" Stiles, the pack storing unit had bean robbed. .All our weapons and supplies were taken , including the herbs"

Stiles frowned , " what ? "  
" we will get you some stuff from Deaton, Stiles , but right now you should be back to the hospital " Derek said running out of patience, not wanting to explain it to Stiles when it obviously would be only a reason to waste more time, the kid was looking for any opportunity to jump on the chance anyway so no need to give him any hope that he can get involved in this,

" I. .I understand " Stiles ducked his head away,  
" I hope you get Lydia back " he said then he looked at Scott, giving him the permission to take him back to the hospital. .

................................

Stiles fought for not to fall asleep once they were in the car, but he let his head lean on the cool window glass and closed his eyes, trying to maintain the tough kid image when all he wanted was to crawl to the nearest bed..  
Freakin panic attacks were draining in the first place before cancer added it's touch, too  
They sat in silence tell he finally spoke,  
" Sorry. ." He said in a small voice without looking to Scott, who looked at him for a second then brought his eyes to the road in front of them again,  
" you okay man?"  
" yeah Scott. .I ..I said I am sorry. .you know, for what I said to you "

Scott lips twitched,  
" don't worry about it.." 

"Yeah well ..Karma made sure I learn my lesson good. .I called you weak and I was the one who ended up having a panic attack when I saw some freaky guy there..probably the building keeper or something , but anyway, I think it was fair enough"

" yeah...sorry about Peter ..he is not the building keeper , he is Derek’s Uncle. . Pass by every once in a while. .he is harmless but I should've mentioned him so you woudn't have felt threatened by him"

Stiles smiled a little,  
" no need for sugar coating it Scott , I acted like a total wump.. God..that was humiliating ... but really..I stick my nose in something that was not my business. I dont believe I am saying that but I am an idiot "

" you are not an idiot man... it is just the wrong time..you know, every thing is a mess ..every one is worried sick about Lydia and the fact that Demyan stole our supplies and used our own wolf's bane against us ..God.. Boyd, Erica and Isaac had almost died. . It is like..he is always one step ahead of us and ..I feel like the stupidest alpha now!."

" Isaac was attacked? !" Stiles rose his head and opened his eyes,  
" when was Isaac attacked? " 

" the storing unit...He said Demyan was not alone, but he could not see who was there too"  
" Wow. .he broke in to your secured storage , isn't it like ..secured?"

" digital locks..with codes..and they weren't even broken. .they were opened..like..he knew the password for them"

"How he did that? who knows the password for your saves Scott? !"

" only the pack members..no way any of them would tell , No.way!"

" alright. .it is your pack man ..l am not saying anything ,but are you even sure that it wasn't broken without being destroyed? " 

" of course! Danny Manhaleni made them, he attached an alarm programme to them, in any attempt to manipulate the locks , an alarm message will be sent to our cell phones. .There is no way for it not too work , Danny is totally a genius! "

"Well, either that or the other option, maybe one of the pack told..".

Scott stopped the car before Stiles could finish, fortunately, the rode was completely empty or they would've ended in a car collision or turned up side down on the side of the sreet, he looked at Stiles with a rare anger in his eyes that glowed red for a moment like they weren't the same warm dark puppy eyes he was ever familiar with,  
" my pack are not traitors ..don't you ever say that! " 

Stiles Stiffened then looked away,  
" Okay, whatever. "  
It was the longest few minutes they both have ever experienced before Scott sighed and took a couple of breaths, 

" I didn't ..mean to scare you"

" I am ..not scared " said Stiles, trying to conceal the slight tremble that ran through his body,  
" I didn't say they were ..I was only thinking loudly "  
Scott bit his lip,  
" I am sorry. .I know you want to help..Stiles please don't be angry with me, I. .Sometimes I don’t even register doing stuff like these, you know, pack is family , I can't imagine anyone of them.."

" I get it.."

They were back on road,  
" so, you think it is another werewolf? The one who's with Demyan?" Scott looked at Stiles, it was weird how his wolf disappeared as sudden as it came,  
What did he really know about Scott ? Or alpha Scott, for all the matter,

" I.. don't know ..maybe. .or maybe it is not..maybe it is a human? It will explain how they can handle the wolf's ban easily to steel and use it as a weapon "

" a human? You mean a hunter ?"

" possible. .or maybe someone else..someone who wants something out of this..tell me Scott, why do you think he took Lydia? "

" I don't know. .maybe he wants to.." His breath hatched, " torture her for informations? Cause she is a human? Easier to. ." He paused,

" break? " asked Stiles, 

" N-no , but..to inflect wounds on "

" but he has quite enough wolf's ban to interrogate any of you? Why didn't he take any of the others too and just lift them to die? Hell, way didn't he kill all of you already? " 

Scott frowned, ".. I don't know"

" I don't think he kidnapped Lydia because she is human, Scott. .I think he wanted a banshee "

.......................................

By the time Scott dropped him to bed in the usual quite hospital room, Stiles was out of it..  
All the exhaustion finally winning . .

Melissa hovered around him a little, replacing the I.V , measuring his vitals and making sure he is sleeping comfortably before dragging Scott by his ear out of the room,  
" what in God's name came in to you Scott? ! I flipped when I saw his bed empty! I almost call security and tell them he was kidnapped! Do you have any idea what would have happened to his dad if he knew his son was missing? If any of the the other nurses came to check on him before I did?! And what if something had happened to him Scott? ! How was I supposed to tell John ? " 

Scott face was contracted with shame, his eyes on his shoes,

" I am sorry. ."

" sorry is something you say when yoy break a glass or get a bad grade in some test ,but this !! My God, Scott, I trusted you with this, you can't even imagine how disappointed I am right now. ."

" mom ..I am so so sorry ..I swear..he was pressing it and I couldn't think. ."

" well he is the sick one , you are the one who was supposed to watch him so I don't care about what he did Scott, it was your responsibility"

" I know. .I am so sorry I messed up..just Lydia was kidnapped and .."  
"What?! Lydia Martin was kidnapped! !" Melissa shouted, 

" the alpha. .Demyan took her"

" oh my god! "

" we are trying to find her..we still don't know what He wants, he didn't contact us or anything. .. I thought Stiles might help..you know he always had a way in looking at things so...god..I wasn't thinking "

"I...I don't believe this town!! Shit... Does Natalie know? ! Did you tell John? "

" I don't think her mom's knows she is missing yet , how should we even tell her?! She doesn't know about the supernatural. .and I don't think the police can do anything, telling the sheriff will only make things worse "

She sat slowly covering her mouth with her hand,  
" this is messed up. " She looked at Scott,  
" and you didn't need to take Stiles to the loft, not ever, but especially not in the middle of this mess"

" I ..know"

She sighed. . " Okay. .now go and help Lydia. .We will talk about this again when she is safe and sound "  
And this is why, Melissa MCcall is the most understanding mom in the history of mothers!  
Scott hugged her,  
" I love you mom"  
" me too honey. .just be careful "  
............................................

Stiles woke up to Melissa sitting in the plastic chair next to his bed, his dad usual spot. She was smiling warmly at him and the moment he tried to adjust his body slightly , he found his hand in hers.  
She noticed his hesitation and withdrew her hand with a little sense of embarrassment, 

" I am glad you are fine Stiles, you almost gave me a heart attack when I found your bed empty "

Stiles frowned slightly, and she sensed his discomfort.  
Sad ...She thought,  
He used to trust her..

Used...

" my dad knows?" He asked..

" no , Scott caught me before anyone else knew you were missing "

He didn't say anything ...

" Stiles, you do understand how serious this is..you do understand that you could've been really sick out there...now, honey I know you had been here for so long and you can't wait to get out of here but .."

" please stop. .I get it ..it was stupid. .I get it "

Her shoulders tensed,  
" Stiles. .I am not doing this to make you feel bad..sweetie, it is my job to take care of you, I promised your dad I will, now, you may not know how much he loves you sweetie, you didn't see how much he was worried that day when the ER was attacked, when he thought you were seriously hurt, if something happens to you, I. .I don't know what will happen to him"

Stiles face kept it's blank expression, she didn't know if he was pretending not to care or he really didn't, it made her devastated ,  
" Stiles, are you listening? "

" Yes. .but I am really tired. .I think I'll go be back to sleep "

..........................

But Stiles didn't really sleep..  
Just closed his eyes and pretended till Melissa left .  
He didn't want to think about today because it was a really bad one. He was humiliated, carried around like a sac of potatoes and proved wrong by a bunch of stupid werewolves ..  
He was useless. .  
And a panic attack ! ..for being roughened a little! Seriously! What is it know ?he is a little girl who cries when someone says he is weak?!

And the way his heart jumped a mile when Scott's eye glowed red in the car..

Pathetic! 

Darek Hale was right. .  
Erica was right. .  
He was a liability ..

He turned around and wished for some kind of razor, his skin was itching behind his thin shirt with the desire to be deeply pierced. .

And he thought he could've help them!  
Because he thought he was so smart! 

Ha Ha...that is Ironic. .

Add this to the fact that his dad ,Melissa and Scott are still seeing something in him is even more unnerving. .

His dad was worried when the ER was attacked, she said, well..that day was when all the hell broke lose ..

He wished he was shot instead of that nurse..  
.....................................

" I texted Mrs.Martin form Lydia's phone, I told her she will spend the night with me today to finish some art project "  
Said Allison, 

" well..that can only buy us so much time " said Erica before she sighed deeply ,

The were all sitting in the empty dungeon now, re- inspecting the empty cabinets again,  
" I talked to Danny ..There is no trace of the system being hacked, whoever was here knew exactly what he was doing" said Isaac with heavy frustration, 

" but how?!" Asked Scott,  
" How the hell would anyone got these passwords!" 

" maybe they made Lydia tell them ? Maybe they threatened her or something " Erica whispered,  
" No.." Derek interrupted " they had the mountain ash before they attacked you ,remember? So,they broke in here before they ever had Lydia"

" Stiles thinks they took her because she is a banshee, he thinks Demyan needs her for something " Scott ran his fingers through his hair,  
" this is freakin devastating ! We have nothing at all"

" maybe we should go to Stiles. .he seems to have a theory "  
Spoke Boyd for the first time since the attack, every one looked at him surprised to hear his voice after his long silence ,  
" I keep recalling everything that happened in my head , Lydia was driving, Erica in the passenger seat and I was sitting at the back when someone opened the front door , dragged Lydia while both of me and Erica had been attacked. Someone in a black hoodie drugged Lydia with a rag while Demyan was shooting us, they wanted her alive and unharmed, so , maybe it has to be something with her being a banshee. ."

" well.. even if Stilinski kid has some idea we cannot go ask him now, not after every thing that happened " Erica said,

" why not?!" Scott frowned,  
" cause we told him to stay out of it" Derek said " and I still think that he needs to stay out of it"

" but what if he sees something we don't? Maybe we should go to his room in the hospital, that is actually the best lead that we have"

" Scott.."

" Do you think you have a better idea, Derek ? " 

Derek rolled his eyes, " we made a decision about this before "

" well, as the alpha I re-vote for asking for Stiles help..who thinks we should go to the hospital? "

4 hands out of 6 had rose,  
Derek and Erica sighed and looked annoyed, but it didn't stop Scott's enthusiastic shout  
" well ,the majority gave a decision. .let's go"

" wait. .at least some of us must stay behind in case Demyan wanted to negotiate about Lydia. .plus , I don't think your mom will let us all enter his room" Derek said, 

" Scott and I will go, the rest of you , go to the loft "

..........................

They waited for the nurse in Stiles room to leave before they opened the door and knocked lightly for not to startle him.  
Stiles was laying on his side with his back to the door and a tray of untouched food in front of him, 

" hey, are you awake?"  
Stiles shifted slowly under the bed table till he was facing them, a strange expression coloured his face,  
" what are you doing here? "

" changing our minds " said Scott with a dorky grin,  
" we have no idea of how to help Lydia, and Deaton said he needs some time to look for something that can help, but we don't have time actually, we don't know if Lydia is alright and her mom would figure it out if we didn't find her before tomorrow "

Stiles frowned,  
" but I. .thought I was the weak human "  
He looked at Derek who seemed to be running on thin patience already,  
" I am a sick weak human, right Hale?"

" you are actually. .but if you want to help, this is your chance, here , help the pack while you are laying on your hospital bed if you want Stilinski...that is our last decision so ,are you doing this or are you not because Scott just told you we don't have much time "

" Derek! " Scott started,

" no Scott. .this is how this is going to happen.. I respect that you can think something that can help saving Lydia, but you still not going to get involved in the actual battle, what do say?"

Stiles didn't speak for a moment then he nodded,  
" Fine..I am doing this but just to prove I am better than Lydia Martin. .and that you hairy cats ,don't know everything "

Derek glared at him,  
" whatever float your boat smart ass"

.............................................

Three questions :  
Who took Lydia?  
Why?  
Where could they keep her?

Stiles was trying to connect the ends of the invisible strings togather because something must be there but he couldn't exactly put his finger on it , no thing except a small theory , 

*" Demyan took Lydia. .but Demyan is not alone..Someone helped him opening the cabinets, possibly a non werewolf ally.. Whom they had no idea about! "

*" Demyan took Lydia because she is a banshee. .He needs a banshee because he doesn't have one and he is jealous or he is using her for something totally crazy like summoning death or something "

*" No idea where he took her ..maybe out of town "

But what is the link between the three things?

What is missing? 

" that is a dead end! " Said Scott and hit his head lightly against the wall,  
" we have nothing"

Derek closed his eyes and let out a frustrated sigh..  
" no guys ..something is missing. .I can't find the link !"

" what link Stiles? We have been doing this for hours!"

" I know !! But why now ? He had been here for months why kidnapping Lydia today? "

" I don't know! "

They were silent again till Derek spoke  
" it is ..a red moon tonight " 

Scott frowned,  
" yeah , but what does it changes? Lydia is not a werewolf "

Stiles frowned slightly and picked some papers and a pencil from the drawer next to his bed,  
"Red moon+ alpha + banshee + mountain ash/wolf's bane + human?"  
He scratched with trembling fingers  
Then he sighed. .

Nothing. .something still missing. .

He tried to grab the heavy book on the night stand but suddenly it was heavier than ever, and he pushed his head to the headboard with a huff ,  
" what page do you want? " Derek’s voice came so close to his ear all of a sudden, he was holding the book in front of his eyes,  
Weird...

" err...I think I read something about red moons in the few first 400th pages "

Derek placed the book on the bed table in front of him,:the food tray had left the room couple of hours ago, He then started to fold the pages one by one ,waiting for Stiles to stop him at the right one,

"Wait.. this one I think"  
He read the tiny paragraphs again then bit his lips nervously,  
" nothing. .I thought I read it somewhere "

Derek closed the book quitly without saying anything. .

Stiles grabbed his scratchy note and held it like a life line,  
" Okay guys. .it is enough. .Stiles you clearly need your rest ..We should move" Derek announced, 

" But Derek. ." Scott protested 

"Come on Scott, maybe Demyan attacks again since it is a red moon and he will be super powerful , we should prepare , it is getting dark anyway "

They were about to open the door when Stiles called again,  
" wait.." they turned to him , Scott hopeful and Derek bored,  
" Yes Stiles? !"

" the spacetime "

" what? "

" spacetime. .see in relativistic contexts, time cannot be separated from the three dimensions of space, let's assume that we know the time, today because it is a red moon , then what is the space? "

" what are you talking about Stiles? "

" where is the place where the big things might happen in Beacon hills, Where the bad things might happen ?!"

Scott and Derek exchanged a look , before their eyes went wide with the answer,  
" the Nemeton"

Stiles jaw fell open  
" the N-Nemeton?! Like the freakin ancient tree?!"

" Yes ."

" holy shit! "

He took the pencil in his hand and scratched something frantically,  
" red moon + alpha + banshee + mountain ash / wolf's bane + human witch + the Nematon "

No freakin way!!!.

" Demyan didn't want all your territory Scott, he only wanted the part that had the Nemeton in ,and he would've taken Lydia in all cases because the damn monster is doing a spill to become the strongest alpha on earth. ."

" . ."  
Scott stumbled back till the door's handle caught his back. Derek knitted his eyebrows,  
" are you.. sure?"

" Yes ..it is in your monstrous book, under the entrance : Nemeton" he smirked ,  
" a Witch , banshee and Nemeton. . Jeez..The bastard can control the world if he wanted. .So Now, I guess you know where Lydia is"

" no..nobody can find the Nemeton, it finds you when it wants you" Scott hissed, 

Stiles rolled his eyes,  
" I think you can manage something Scott. .call Deaton, he probably knows what to do, I mean I know I am good but I don't know everything. ..yet"

.........................................

It wasn't a surprise when Stiles couldn't sleep but only pretended to do just to avoid his dad hovering all over him all night.  
He lay there looking at the boring white ceiling till dusk , when a quite fumbling sound attracted him to the small window of his room.

A partially blood covered Derek Hale stepped gracefully in to his room , so quiet that his dad didn't even stare in the chair next to him.  
And even though the man looked like he was coming straight out of of horror movie, the way the pinkish dusky glow casted on the non bloody parts of his face made it look like his skin was shinning beneath the thick layer of blood..

Stiles knew he was a disturbed psychopath in his own way, because at this moment he thought Derek looked.. beautiful. .

" Lydia is home safely, Demyan and his witch are dead and every one is okay..Thank you ,Stiles "  
Then he left as fast as he came..

A shy voice in Stiles head whispered,  
" you are not pathetic Stiles. .you saved them"  
And for the first time in his life. . Stiles went to sleep with a small smile on his lips

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god!  
> Tons of dialogue. .  
> Sorry for that :)


	8. Breaking rules..

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stiles come close to death...then not...  
> Then he enjoys ,or not, some girly gossip..  
> Then he make unexpected choice. .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *I don't know why, but I feel like writing all the time recently, so , here you go. ..another chapter so soon....Yay me!!  
> * hope you like it :)

" pain demand to be felt"

............................

 

Chapter eight 

The days that followed killing Demyan were supposed to be spent celebrating, only that Stiles condition seemed to take a sudden turn to the worse all of a sudden.  
Chemo days were always bad but somehow the bad chemo day that followed the whole pack's ordeal turned in to a bad couple of days then into a bad week with Stiles doing nothing but puking and shivering then passing out from exhaustion.  
His sleep was a tormenting effort that brought no rest at all , tossing around in bed and moaning in pain before whimpering softly that ' he is gonna be sick' without even the ability to sit before he start to cough and choke in his own vomit.  
He was out of it most of the time. .  
And seeing him this way..was terrifieing as hell..

Dr Lynch was worried that he is inability to keep down everything thing he ingested , including fluids, was making him even more dehydrated and weak and resulting in him puking even more and only becoming worse with each day, like a vicious cycle that won't end till it killed him , as simple as that.. God!..  
He said if Stiles didn't start to improve in couple of days he would have to sedate him and put him under IV nutrition till this brutal cycle shows some signs of ending. Dr Lynch also said it was really a bad thing to do this , because at this point waking him up won't be granted. The sick teen could just keep getting worse , slep in to a coma and never wake up. .just as damn simple as that..

It was worse than any supernatural enemy , these group of small cells that used to be his army against infection now turning up against him and killing him instead of defending him..  
Betraying him!  
Suddenly the fact of death was no longer far and pushed to an infinite future, but it was a palpable reality that no one could hide from. .  
These could be the last couple of weeks or days..  
Death might be closer than anyone have ever thought. .  
So, No wonder that John, Melissa and the pack were in his room every moment of every day not daring to miss a beat on the heart monitor and whispering for him to "please, get better"

......................................

Waking up was a slow process these days..  
It was not the rapid transition out of unconsciousness like it used to be, instead it was more of collecting one little clue of reality after the other till he had gathered enough proves that this wasn't a dream anymore..

The first clue ,however, was always pain..

Every thing hurts.. every tiny spot on his exposed skin was cold ... individual muscle fibers were tensed like wood and his stomach was burnnig like angry lava, ragged with unmerciful nausea and torturous cramps. ..  
He was always riding an extreme now, either too hot or too cold, too sleepy or can't sleep , too quiet or screaming in agony..  
Nothing felt good or enough or even borderline okay !  
Because Cancer was just a painful disease no matter how Stiles liked to pretend it is not that bad ..  
Sometimes it was that bad ..

But then, he realised long time ago that No one would ever understand his pain..... it's as unique as his fingerprint , and it belongs to him and to him only..  
He didn't know exactly when was their first encounter ,himself and his personal pain, but he had always thought it was as old as himself as if it was kind of a primitive instinct for him .  
Most of the time he hates it, the way his body screams with the small sparks of electrical impulses travelling along almost all his nerve tracts to his brain, lighting it like a Christmas tree , isolating him from whatever going on in the world outside the brain in his skull, nothing ever matters then, not even the hatting loud sounds that usually screams in his head .

He didn't like to put masochism on top of his list of mental issues but after long time of encountering physical pain ,he kinda knew how did it work , unlike the voices, which always worked ro surprise him by how creative they were in making him hate his own existence, and leaving him with a new level of being broken. Only that he didn't know how much a human soul can take before it can't take more and sink beyond the point of no return . this what he feared the most, being drowned by his own thoughts ..  
The fact that he was a burden, and his mare existence consumes way more than he can handle !  
Even when every thing got a little better they never really do..

He will always go back to the dark place inside his head with more disappointment and more dread than he had before ..  
He never believed in happily ever after. .thar was stupid and deciving ..every good thing was timed to end as there is no forever when someone find some peace. ..This world is not heaven! 

He knew the few moments of euphoria that he experienced after Derek’s little visit a week ago were now closer to a dream haze than an actual memory. He knew if his health was getting better, that the moment he was going to open his eyes after that long tortured week of post chemo agony , every thing was going to be like before coming back to Beacon hills. He would be left with being the dying kid with mood swings out of hell and whom his dad worries about him and suffocates him with his over protectiveness all the damn time till the cancer finally finish him ..

The pack might be grateful and all but the moment they were going to throw him some thanks ,they were take off and never mention him again .  
And it shouldn't even be surprising or slightly unexpected , because Demyan was dead now , he and dad were safe now ,so they would be kicked out the supernatural defence force back to being oblivious cevilians.  
Like they used to be ,a chronically worrying sheriff dad and his sarcastic ,very annoying teenage kid who happened to know that werewolves exist ..that's it ..  
Only That, the tiny though of this crazy world beeing the only thing that maneged to distract him since a very long time of mesery,even it was for just a tiny bit, and not even the fighting part and all the blood, no!, it was that few moments that he didn't feel invalid and useless, that he can make a difference! That other people,besides his dad, may actually know he existed ...  
The fact that he had someone else around without feeling that he was handled like a fragile glass all the time, liked when he was teasing Scott and challenging Lydia and making dog jokes around Derek and Erica, just to watch them glare at him .

Maybe it was these simple things that made life a little bit more than pain and anger and the endless hours of wishing he was dead ..  
Even if there was no happily ever after but just a bit of borrowed time..  
Because maybe he didn't understand life as much as he thought he did..

Maybe. ..

....................................................

He knew the exact moment his brain catched enough glimpse of the life around him that he was feeling better than the last time he was awake . The nausea was almost gone and his body parts were not on fire anymore but he wasn't sure whether to open his eyes or to force his mind back to the darkness till the soft hand sweeping the hair on his forehead took the decision for him.  
He opened his eyes lezly and breathed a soft sigh when his eyes locked with olive green eyes looking as hesitant as he was.

" Thanks God" She whispered,  
" everyone had been worried sick about you "  
He tried to answer the unexpected gesture of worry but he found it difficult to pass the words against his scratched throat. A plastic cup with a straw was placed gently between his dry lips.

He drunk greedily, 

" easy , easy.. you don't want to get sick again "  
" thanks. ." He mumbled in a small hoarse voice.

She took the cup away and went to were her purse was placed to pick something,  
" give me your hands" 

She took his right hand before he even understand what she was doing and then she started to spread a thin layer of lotion and massaged it gently on the dry cold skin of his long fingers,  
" I think the drugs and the dehydration are making your skin cracks , It happens to me all the time in winter, and this looks even worse, I can imagine how bad it must feel"

He frowned slightly, not expecting that but not minding the smooth figers against his dry hand ,too

" Lydia, what are you doing? "

" making use of time, you know, the doctor said you passed the danger zone and you will be sleeping till the morning ,this is how the Sheriff and Melissa finally left this room by the way , but you woke up early than expected so I believe your dad won't be so happy about being forced to leave..its only that he had to take a proper shower and have some sleep at a certain point or we would have all lose our minds "

She tugged his right hand gently under the blanket and took his left one , repeating the same movement as she went around the cannula, 

"Oh, that seems like my dad alright..What time is it anyway?"

" 5:30 .. a.m ..it is technically morning but it still very early. .I should've expected you to do something like this though, you're full of surprises"  
She tugged the other hand too then left the blanket till his shoulders,  
"I mean , what you did...I am glad you were here " She smiled and sat gracefully on the plastic chair besides him,  
" I thought I wouldn't make it this time , I thought they would die there and no one would ever find me , so when they did find me I ..."  
Her eyes shined a little with tears ,  
" when Scott told me how you place every thing togather. .oh god.." She laughed nervously and sniffed a little ,  
" wasn't I jealous? ! But..more importantly. .I couldn't be more grateful "  
She moved the thin scarf around her neck to show him a recent pink scar,  
" he was about to press it deep enough to slit my throat and irrigate the Nematon with my ' banshee blood' .." her voice quivered a little, The memory still raw in her mind,  
"I... Thank you , Stiles" 

He watched her put the scarf back before she gave him her back to wipe away the stray tears on her cheeks.  
And he didn't know what to do with her, never expecting this to ever happens .

When she was done hiding all the traces of her small emotional break down , she turned back to face him with her usual cool mask firmly back on place as if nothing ever happened, she pursed her lips and ran her fingers messily in her strawberry blond locks,  
" so what do we do about those cracked lips of yours now? I have coconut butter with me , it works like magic when it comes to dry lips"  
She took out a small white container out of her purse and shook it to emphasise her point but he made a face at her,  
" no..Thanks, I am used to having cracked lips.."  
" but you shouldn't have to! "  
Well, yeah, maybe not ,but having a hand rub , show of gratitude the most subtle apology in the history of apologies from Lydia Martin was more than enough for one day..  
Come to think about it , he thought he didn't believe what just happened was even real..  
" maybe some other day. .I feel like I can use more sleep "

She smiled,  
" sure "  
........................................  
John Stallinski couldn't be happier just sitting there, seeping his steaming coffee, hearing his son's soft snores and watching him rest and looking way comfortable than he had ever been in the last week. The fact that he ,himself felt fresh after a night of much needed sleep and a warm shower made him grateful for having the support of someone beside himself to take care of Stiles. He was waiting patiently for his son to wake up to make sure he was alright before heading to the station, missing extra day of work wasn't even an option today, not after barley showing his face there the last week.  
Sighing softly, he let his thoughts wonder about the accumulated hospital bills when he heard a little grunt that indicated that Stiles was waking,  
" Heyyyy"  
" hey kiddo, nice to hear the sleepy voice of yours without rushing to grab an emesis ban, how do you feel? "  
"Mmmmm" Stiles stretched slowly,  
" Fine. .I guess. .little sleepy"  
" yeah..doctor said it will take a while to restore your energy , they will hold the next dose of chemo for a couple of days till you feel better "  
Stiles frowned and clenched his fist,  
" but I didn't even recovere the last one properly "  
" I know kid , I am so sorry, but we can't take the risk of delaying it further , you know we are fighting this thing with nails and teeth and we won't let it gain the upper hand"  
Stiles wanted to shout that delaying the chemo won't change anything, but he was not really in the mood to fight with his dad when he just started to feel little better now,  
" Okay ..whatever "  
His dad pat his arms softly and handed him the plastic cup with the straw from earlier,  
" I have to go to work today, but the pack will be here in a couple of hours "  
Stiles frowned then remembered, That was probably the"thanks" party that is also the "good bye " party . 

" Okay " he said,  
" Okay. .so I have to go now..you will be alright? "  
" Yes dad , I'll be fine"  
.................................  
" Scott, Isaac and Boyd are at Lacrosse practice, cause couch is a jerk who doesn't have a heart, and Derek is in God's know where, so you will be stuck with us today "  
Said Erica, making herself as comfortable as possible on the lone plastic chair , while both Allison and Lydia sat on bed near his feet ,

Stiles only stared at them,  
" what? ! " 

Erica played with her leather wrist band ,  
" seriously though, this hospital needs to invest more in furniture, this room is in a desperate need for a coach " she went on,  
" it is not like I don't like puppy piles , but when you sleep on the floor for two cosicuative days, werewolf or not, your back just won't be the same any more...you know. . I think I believe that werewolves can have lumbar discs prolapse , too..."

" woah !!hey! Slow down for a freakin minute! What the hell is going on " Stiles shouted practically panicking with confusion, 

" stop it Erica, he just woke up, you are giving the poor guy a headache with the sensory overload " said Lydia smirking while Allison's face split with a wide smile,  
" are you okay Stiles? " She asked  
" do you need anything? "

Stiles confusion only deepened,  
"I am Fine. .but..what are doing here? I mean Derek already came and told me you were all alright , Demyan and his witch are dead ,yada yada yada.."

" when did Derek come? !" Erica asked,

" just after you saved Lydia" 

" oh ..That tricky wolf ! He couldn't drop the chance of being the first one to take the previlage ,could he?" She smirked, 

 

" what previlage? ! Erica , are you being sarcastic or something now , I don't think I am following and even if I do, I really don't have the energy to even feel offended about it now " he shook his head lazely , 

Allison pat his covered hand while Lydia gave him a sad look ,  
" the previlage of thanking you Stiles, you kinda saved the day"

" no he certainly saved the day" Allison corrected,

" yeah you did" Lydia agreed,  
" I love the pack but they aren't very good in figuring out things. .If you know what I mean..they kinda think with their teeth and claws"  
" hey ! " Erica objected ,  
" we are pretty smart!"  
" of course you are dear !" Lydia pursed her lips in a sassy way.

Stiles felt light headed by just trying to keep up with who is saying what,  
" Okay , stop this now....I don't feel flattered , actually if I remember what happened, you guys practically kicked me out till Scott and Derek were desperate enough to try anything, so I can't really see how am I a hero now , it was mare luck that saved the day, so , you don't have to come and thank me and stuff, I understand that our collaboration is finished for know "

 

"Well.. I don't know the details of how exactly you ended up saving our butts that day Stiles, but you did" said Lydia,  
" and I am also sure that solving the case, the way you did it, is impossible to be just pure luck...but I guess you have the right to not want to do anything with us since ,some people, ..." she glared at Erica " had been little bit rude and disrespectful , though, your place in the pack will be missed"

He rose his eyebrows,  
" my place in the pack?!..what place exactly? !"

Lydia smiled, Alison shruged ,  
" a researcher, a consultant...I don't know whatever you want to be..I mean that was Scott's line , I shouldn't be saying it but. .Stiles you are a member of the pack now, I mean if you want to.. We wanted to tell you that a week ago but with you being sick and all, all we could do was to camp around your bed in puppy piles when the nurses left at night and hope you get better so we can tell you "

 

Stiles eyebrows shoot up,  
" I don't believe you did that ! And I don't believe you had never been caught !!"

" werewolf hearing, dude!!" Shouted Erica,  
" and Melissa giving us the shift schedule" commented Lydia then looked at him deeply,  
" so , Stiles do you agree to be part of this pack?"

He didn't answer, honestly surprised by the offer, not that he didn't wish for it in last few days ,but not ever thinking his wish will be granted,  
" I don’t know. .I'll have to think about it "

They sat in silence for a minute. .  
Stiles was fidgeting slightly, not really knowing what to say to 3 girls,  
" so , Stiles, you had a girlfriend back in NYC? " asked Erica suddenly with a playful smile, and if Stiles was drinking water he would've choked in it, his cheeks heated with deep red ;  
" No!, and it is non of your business really !"  
She ignored his last words,

"What about someone you had a crush on them?"  
No , sorry, he had been busy with being depressed and all, he thought 

" no.."

Erica huffed,  
" what about back here in Beacon hills, before you go to NYC , you had your eyes on someone?"  
Yeah..Lydia Martin. .but that was a gazillion years ago and she didn't even know his name back then and now she was just acting nice out of being grateful. .I mean, couple a weeks ago she hated his guts , so... he was very sure that didn't count as a proper crush ..

" come on Stiles, you can tell us ,we will never tell anyone .I swear" Allison begged

" well, in case you didn't notice I have been laying in bed, busy with having cancer and all to have time for anything else "

Erica rolled her eyes,  
" that shouldn't stop you.."

He glared at her,  
" it very much did !! This is not a movie, I didn't get to stumble in some beautiful girl in some cancer patients therapy session then we fall in love from the first sight and stuff.."

" I bet you didn't even try to open your eyes and look around, even if a beautiful girl was sitting just in front of you !" Erica said  
Lydia and Allison looked at her warning,  
There was no need to turn a friendly gossip in to an argument,  
She sighed ,  
" sorry. .I get carried away when being excited some times"  
Stiles shruged, " yeah. .but actually I have been sick for most of my life to do anything else".

The three girls faces softened with the sad confession,  
" Okay...then tell us, what would you like in a person? !"

He hadn't thought about that before...  
" don't know. .."

" come onnnnn. . Give me something to work with "

He shruged, he didn't even know if he wanted to have this kind of a relationship when he was going to die soon enough to not even enjoy it properly,  
" I am not interested in this now"

" You are young and good looking guy , why not? ! "

He blushed furiously,  
" I am not !! .. I am pale with dark bags under my eyes and cracked bleeding lips and I imagine that no one would like to spend their time watching me puking and shivering before I die in a couple of months, I can't even offer a decent kiss without being short of breath ! "

Allison picked his hand in hers,  
" I think who ever get to be in this kind of relationship with you will find that you deserve this kind of sacrifice. .something tells me you are not really a heartless man like you like to pretend"

" yeah. .just annoying and cheeky as hell !" Erica smirked, and Stiles felt uncomfortable with all the attention,  
" can we please stop talking about this..it is making me itchy" he looked at the canula in his hand to avoid any further eye contact , feeling self conscious and little bit anxious, 

" why is it difficult for boys to talk about their feelings without it being a major issue? !" Asked Erica , 

" probably they lack the part of the brain that makes them do that" Lydia informed sarcastically, 

" well..why would girls talk about it all the time ?!" Stiles questioned annoyned 

" cause it is time for you to get some romance going on in your life Stilinski ! It is our duty as your lady friends to have this type of influence on you !" Erica said, 

 

" what do mean?!"

" we will find you a girlfriend , that what I mean"

" no you are not !!"

" we are ! And this is the end of this discussion ...now tell me how good are you at card games..I brought cards" Erica wiggled her eyebrows 

" I brought my DVD player and couple of movies" Allison said , while Lydia shook her head,  
"No! we are not doing anything till we get him some decent change of clothes, I brought my laptop, and we are going to do some online shopping "

Stiles let his head fall in surrender...  
He was going to die. ...  
..........................................................

He didn't know what wake him up exactly, but when he did , he noticed no one else was in the room . One glance at the digital clock his dad kept on the night stand told him it was some time after 7 p.m. The girls must lift sometime after he passed out in the middle of ' the amazing spiderman' .  
Not like anyone could blame him ! no one could keep his energy/sanity after 4 hours of chatting about clothes brands , girls and " oh my god Andrew garfield is so hot !" ,

Jeez...He thought he would end up killing himself if he heard one more word on how the guy looked so fit in spider man suit!  
He sighed. ..

"So, you thought about joining the pack?!"  
A voice came out of nowhere and Stiles felt his breath catch with fear,  
" holy shit ! how did you come in here?! " he breathed rapidly and his fingers shook  
" oh my god. .oh my god! I don't want a freakin heart attack on top of my freakin leukemia "  
" hey...hey calm down ! I am so sorry, I thought you heard me coming through the window "  
Derek kneeled till their eyes were on the same lavel then he held Stiles shoulders firmly  
" calm your breaths ...mimic me ...one..Two. .three. yes ..here you go".

Stiles pushed himself little away from him and put his hand on his chest for few moments till his breath calmed,

" did you lose your mind? breaking into a minor's hospital room and giving him a freakin heart attack! ..my dad could waste you for that..I swear to god ..you may not see the sun light for the next ten years! "

" Okay sorry...Jeez , just calm down before you give your self an actual anurysm, I couldn't know how else I can reach you, your phone is out of service "  
"My phone was dead..and, how exactly did you have my phone nomber any way ; no offence man, but I basically don't know you "  
" Okay. . " Derek face fell ,  
" you are right , that was inappropriate, I am leaving. .sorry " 

" wait. ." Stiles called him before he slided completely out the window, Derek walked to the bed again,  
" Okay , you ..saved my life before , and it is not even the first time you climb my window ....I am acting like a jerk right now.....you can stay" he met Derek’s eye  
" but what do you want? "

" Lydia said that they told you about joining the pack...Scott and everyone else really want you to do actually "

" Scott sent you? !"

" no body sent me" Derek knitted his eyebrows "I came"  
Stiles lips twitched a little  
" and Why do you care if I do? I thought you are not a big fan of me"

Derek huffed,  
" because. .you helped with Demyan and I owe you a chance " 

" I did nothing, I just spoke my mind out loud ..you don't owe me anything"

" well if you didn't do, Lydia would've been killed and Demyan would have been the strongest alpha on earth, and by defult everyone else would be dead too"

" you are telling me that I saved Beacon hills? !"

" more or less. At least you saved all the werewolves , not only in Beacon hills but maybe even in all California "

" Wow !! I don't know what to say about that ! "

" you don't have to say anything. .just take the offer. .be part of the pack "

Stiles didn't speak for a moment then he nodded,  
" Okay , but I am just in for the reasersh part , I am not intrested , what so ever, in puppy piles "  
Derek grinned " you don't know what will you be missing "  
Stiles shook his head  
" no thanks ... I think I will be alright without them "

Derek nodded,  
" welcome to the pack "  
..........................


	9. I surrender...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It is only hope if it makes you fight harder..If it is not than it doesn't make a difference.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *I know , I know. .  
> I have been under the radar long enough for this story to feel forgotten but I promise I never actually abounded it..
> 
> I had a rough year..I still do actually. .
> 
> And to be honest I don't know if I would ever be able to post regularly but till things improve I will drop by from time to time. .
> 
> *Thank for all those who cut from their time to ask about me , you guys keep me motivated and push me to write even when I don't exactly feel like it , you guys are a bless..
> 
> *so as a small bribe I will give you TWO CHAPTERS this time ;) just a little warning these are nothing but angst and deep depression , but this is how this story is built ..
> 
> It will be better soon, I promise, just not today ...
> 
> * enjoy :)

"There is always some relief in giving up"

.......................

 

Chapter nine

"I don't want to see anyone! Get the hell out of here" 

Stiles jolted all of a sudden , raising up and frantically pushing himself hard against the hands that tried to touch him , practically ripping his I.V and his monitors in the process, 

" Stiles what is going on!! shhhhhhhh, you are going to hurt yourself hey , hey , calm down ,it is okay! It's okay! I got you "  
Said his dad surprised and little scared by the sudden movement he gently but firmly pinned him down while trying to reach for the nurse calling button, 

"I don't want you to 'got me' get away from me , I freakin hate you !"  
The boy threw his head sharply against his dad's face ,stealing both their breaths away for a moment, 

" come on son , stop this please ! What the hell. .?"  
John held him against the bed by both his hands , fighting for not to hurt him but still surprised by Stiles sudden power influx,  
" I am sick of you hovering over me all the time, you are suffocating me ! I don't want to see your face for one damn day in my damn life! I don't want your hands on me , go away " his kid was looking at him with raw hate behind his eyes , his neck veins popped out by his anger and John flinched like he was being electrecuted, the words so raw that they broke his heart.

"What is going on?" Came someone's voice as the door forced open , some nurse stormed in like a godsend to save the day,  
John stumbled,  
" he ..he is having some sort of a nervous breakdown! He just suddenly started to shoat and just pull everything !!"  
He watched as the nurse went wide eyes and rapidly opened couple of drawers looking for something .  
John fought not to lose control despite his hands shaking, Stiles face was red and he was biting his lips like a leashed animal that wants to attack his prey,

" please hurry, I am afraid he might hurt himself " the quivering voice said,

Stiles just spit in his dad's eyes and took the chance to toss harder under his restraining hands, but just a moment before John was going to lose and let him go ,finally the nurse pushed something in the still, by some miracle, attached I.V making the ravenous body still and the loud screams just grew quieter,  
" no..no...get the hell away from me , don't touch me ! Damn bastards ! !" The boy fingers twitched, his eyes fluttering , closing slowly as he fought the chemicals circling in his blood stream, " I ha-te you, I hate y-you all" he murmered in half formed words, not exactly talking to anyone , still John was terrified that the anger in the brown orbs cooled but never disappeared, his own breath raged with effort of calming his own fried nerves. He didn't even dare to touch the pale face of his son till he was sure the kid was in deep slumber. 

" I will report this to doctor Lynch , Sheriff, this could be a reaction to some of his new meds" said the nurse .  
John just nodded, his mind was in somewhere else. .

.......

" it was a bad drug reaction"  
Dr Lynch stated , leaning back in his chair behind his desk.

John Stitllinski sat in front of him hunched in his own chair"  
"I know ...it happened once before when he was about 9, not the same drug but close enough for me to know it was the same thing, although this time was way worse"

 

" I am sorry Sheriff that you had to witness such a thing ..."  
said the doctor even when his words lack any true apology  
"but this is not the only thing I wanted to speak to you about"

John's heart fluttered in fear, not prepared for more bad news  
" what is wrong ?"

The doctor raised his brows in surprise of the man's fearful eyes,

"Oh ! nothing bad, dont worry please, in fact despite the bad incident that Stiles had I have some good news, his lab work is showing some improvement" he paused for a moment, 

"now to be clear, we are talking some improvement not curing, I am sorry if it looks like I am acting like a heartless cold man but I don't want to give any kind of false hope..  
Stiles has pheldelphia chromosome, as you know , it's what is responsible for the aggressiveness of his cancer and his frequent relapse"

John nodded silently, energy drained ,  
Yeah ,so much for the good news,  
" there is something else " Said Dr Lynch, the brood expression on his face replaced with a warm smile ,  
" we might have a partial match for a bone marrow transplant, for Stiles in this stage we are talking a possible huge improve in the prognosis "

John blinked few times , not believing, he  
would've swear that his own face was suddenly a paint of exploded emotions, happiness, deniel and so mush grateful that hurts !  
" a matching donor?! Are you serious ?! The same blood type?!! The same tissue markers?! I mean they were tasted.."

" calm down for a moment Sheriff, now, every thing will be taken care of, the blood work is not complete but till now the results are promising , remeber that I said it is a partial match, they are not going to be 100% match but still we can get close up results that are enough for us to give it a shot "

John nodded frantically, words racing and stumbling on his tongue. The old despair in his soul was so rooted that it felt impossible to suddenly shake it off and dare to hope,

" but...who? ..do they live in California?.. They will be coming here to this hospital or should be us going to them? !"

" I am not sure actually, I just received a phone call this morning from the marrow donation bank telling me that they have a match, Sheriff, remember I just told you that Stiles setuation is not perfect , his chances are fair but not excellent , I am only refering to that to make sure we are all on the same page here , we still have a very long way ahead of us, preparing for the procedure itself , Stiles will need aggressive chemo and radiation, and even if it went optimal, there will always be the risk of rejection or complications, I am not trying to give you hope just to snatch it away but I need you to be careful for what to hope for "

John swallowed slowly,  
" I understand "

The doctor nodded,  
"So, I will let you deliver the good news to our little fighter then , and I will be glad to answer any of your ,questions while I check up on him tomorrow morning okay?"

" thank you doctor" John said then harried to his son's room.

....................................

" I don't want to do it " Stiles curled on himself ,giving his back to his dad in a poor attempt to avoid the conversation, the sheriff, though didn't allow him the easy way out  
" why?!" John moved to face him  
"Because. ." Stiles closed his eyes, " I don't want to go through this, it will never work any way , it is basically me being sick more and you paying more money " 

" How can you be so sure it won't work! I think it WILL work and you will get better and I told you before son, you don't think about money , you just focus on getting better "

The tired boy sighed, he wanted to fight even when he had no energy , just letting himself got driven by his steely stubbornness, he spoke in low voice and his words held no emotions but frustration ,  
" focus on getting better? ! How can I focus on getting better? !! I didn't know I had a button in me that I can switch to get better! And frankly dad, save your money ,just , like take some of it for the funeral arrangements and that will be more than enough, you already wasted a lot of money on me all these years "  
John pinched his nose bridge , not in the mood for one of Stiles depressed conversations especially not after yesterday's incident, he felt wary and shaken up enough for not to have any argument right now,  
"I.., Holy God ! what the hell are you talking about? ! Where did these ideas keep pouring from ?! for the name of God, Stiles! You are my son! My only son ! "He felt a sudden rush of emotions hitting him out of nowhere, his mental defence walls cracking and a flood of overwhelming fear and protectiveness drowned him ,  
"Stiles. .you are my only family .. I will do anything to make you better kid , I will sell my own soul if that means that I can save you! Do you understand? " he moved to take his son's hand in his own but Stiles shifted away , biting his lip like it hurt him to hear what his dad was saying,  
" stop.." he shook his head" Don't say that...you are only making it worse "  
John stopped, confused and hurt by his kid reaction, Stiles could be harsh but he never turns away from his father's comforting touch, especially when his head troubles him with the over lasting morbid anxiety that looked to be radiating out of him now,  
Not if he was aware enough of what he was doing,  
" what..?" John asked " what is it son?"

" I will freakin die in the end of every freakin case scenario, so , just ..please... don't say that and make me feel guilty about it! " Stiles shook , tears running freely on his face,  
" Son. ." The heart broken father tried,

"No dad..I am tired.." 

" Stiles " he moved again to take Stiles hand ,not withstanding his distress but the boy put his hand under the pillow and grabbed it hard instead,  
" I don't know how exactly I can keep up with this life every day. .I am drained dad..I just want to close my eyes and rest! Really rest ! Please I don't want to do it "

" I can't Stiles. ." John said ,crying too

" I can't just watch you die knowing there is something I can do to stop it"

 

Stiles sobbed, 

" and it d-doesn't matter? ! What I t-think? What I want to do with my ow-wn life?!"

" we talked about this before..not when you choose to give up, no .."

" not damn fair !you are being damn selfish dad !" He turned his head away and sobbed harder , John wanted to get closer and engulf his kid in a warm hug and stop these ugly sobs that shook the tiny fragile frame but right now ,Stiles acted like a wounded animal, one wrong move and he might be making everything worse,  
"You are exhausted kid , I got it ,but I owe you to keep on fighting for both of us! Just Try and.."

" there us no freakin US! It is me ! My sickness !my fight!" 

" it had always been us kiddo, you are my son , your pain is mine , always been and will always be till I die and you lay me down the ground and bury me , not the other way around ! you hear me?! You . Bury .me !"

" mom would've never made me go through this, she would've understand.. "  
Stiles rocked back and forth, anger shining through his eyes ,  
" you don't know anything about my pain ..you just can't withstand the idea of being alone ! your old guilt that some gene that you passed me turned out to be rotten is eating you alive ,so, you make me pay for it thinking that you are saving me and I will thank you for it one day ! "

John put his hands on his waist before he spoke,  
" well then, may be someday you will have your own child and you will understand why I am doing it Stiles...whatever you think of me now ..I will still do what I think it is the best for you "

" to suffer and die in excruciating pain?" Said Stiles sarcastically, 

" no kid...to live "

" this is not living. .I am not living, you are just killing me slowly "

John flinched and Stiles felt good for seeing his hurt reaction,  
" thanks dad for prolonging my ugly suffering, thanks alot " He turned away and drew the covers over his head

................

" he is not well again " the sheriff said to Anna Moray, the supposed to be Stiles psychiatrist , only that Stiles refused to speak to her and threatened to run away if anyone made him see a shrink again. Still Anna didn't take it personally, she kept trying every little while to gain her young patient trust even when the boy was stubborn more than a solid stone. She wouldn't give up , she just kept on giving him time hoping he will come around , talking to his dad in the mean time, who was also under a lot of stress to be honest , and who also needed help that she promised herself to offer some of whenever she can .

She refused to admit that she still get affected by her career sometimes despite of all the efforts she make for not to get attached , she tried over her years of practicing medicine to leave what she hear with the patients files in her desk drawer and to never mix her work with her personal life ,it is just some stories were tragedies and no matter how much she tried she still was the kind of human whom got emotionally invested in more than one occasion ,

" what do you me 'not well again '?"

" heavy depression. . Withdrawn on himself ..angry all the time " John sighed,  
" he doesn't want to talk to anyone, keep fighting everything. ."

He put his head in his hands, hiding away the black bags under his eyes and a couple of new wrinkles that popped out in the last couple of days since the last time Anna saw him , 

" you think it has something to do with his treatment? " She asked, 

Stilinski sighed deeply,  
" I don't know. .I honestly don't know. ."

" you told him about the bone marrow transplant? "

" I did..and he aggressively refused it, he said that he was tired of all of this and that I am being selfish for making him going through it"  
His voice quivered a little,  
" he said I am k-killing him" he knotted his fingers nervously and looked away,  
" am I ? Am I pushing him so hard?!"

" do you feel that you are John? "

" no ..I don't know. .it is just. .The only other option would be letting him go and I c-can't"  
She gave him a reassuring smile , letting him calm down a little,  
" I want you to be honest with me ,John, why would you want Stiles to have the transplant ? " 

He frowned and bit his lip,  
" he is only seventeen. .he had only been sick for most of his life, I just want him to have a chance, to experience something else in his life "

" so it is not because you don't want to lose the only family that you have? "  
Anna knew the unfairness behind the question , how the right answer is also the wrong one ,but it was her job to ask the difficult questions  
" do you really want him to get better just so you won't end up alone John? " 

John head shoot up ,  
" I ..I love my son doctor and I don't want to lose him , I don't care what that make me look like! It is not a crime that I should be punished for "  
He said tensely and rocked his legs nervously looking like he wanted to fly out the room ,  
" I didn't mean that Sheriff, no one would blame a father for looking after his child out of his love for them , just calm down, there is no wrong answer to this , there is no accusations, I am only trying to understand the reasons behind Stiles absolute refuse to help ...John, I am only trying to see things the way Stiles does"

John sighed and looked away,  
" he had been sick for all his life , I don't want him to .." he paused, " he knows nothing but pain...I want him to have the chance of experiencing something good in his life" 

Anna gave him a guniene smile,  
" I don't doubt you do , but it is obvious that Stiles doesn't understand this. .he can only see that your motive for every thing you do is not gunienly for what he want , especially with the intense pain he is going through now..."

 

""But this is not true. ."

" Chronic sickness , chemotherapy , prolong hospital stay, all of these are severe stresses that Stiles has to deal with.. you cant just expect him to see things the logical way you do, if he was older he would have refused the treatment easily and no one would've blame him or try to stop him..you have to understand that you can't make him fight for something he doesn't believe in, Stiles is a smart almost grown up person who makes his own decisions and fight for what he wants, for this to work you have to win him and not to order him, let's not forget that it's his own personal battel and we are all mere supporting actors and actresses. .  
And as much as it is hard to deal with the sequelae , you have to let him do it the way he believes it's right. .. All of this is about Stiles,you know that, he comes first and every other thing will have to just follow" she paused for a moment "  
"You can only try and make him see things the way you do "

The exhausted father let out a deep breath,  
" don't you think that I tried everything to do just that?!"

" then maybe he needs more "

" more?"

" yeah ..more reasons , more proves that life deserve fighting for, don't get me wrong John, I can see how hard you try but maybe it is not enough for Stiles, he might just want something from someone else who are not you ,a close friend for instance, or someone to love and make life interesting enough for him to live "

" well , no offence but you don't know any thing about my son doc , he is not the friendliest kid in any mean and he definitely not the one who thinks about romance, I mean maybe he had...long time ago , but now, he changed alot, he is not the same person anymore "

" well I think that it is a pretty rushed up judgements you are making , Stiles lived a rough life, it is easier for him to isolate his emotions like this and hide behind a wall of indifference. It's his defence mechanism against being hurt, being rejected.. but hopefully when he feel safe enough to abound this shill , he will come around. .Any human being can't help but need more human interaction and love , honestly, I think moving back to Beacon hills, a place where he has people who care about him, meeting old familier faces who by the way I see them around the hospital almost every day, I think it is going to help alot "

He looked at her confused,  
" so you just want me to step a side and hope for my kid to like some other people enough to hopefully he accepts to continue treatment? ! We....I mean he, does not have the time for this, I mean what if he never does? "

" John, you only have to support him in whatever he wants , he will need you by his side now ,more than he had ever did before"

" Even if he choose to give up !"

" It is his decision, whatever it is, it won't change the fact that you did all you can do to save him" she felt pity for him, the poor man had to concsousslly close his eyes and let his son die if the boy wanted that,  
" I am sorry you have to do this John , but this is what being a parent is all about; we love our children the way they need us to do , we believe in them no matter how wrong they seem to be and right now Stiles is in a desperate need for you to believe in him "

John felt his chest tightens with her words ,  
" I don't know if I can do this. ."

" just listen when he need you to listen and speak when he needs you to , don't push too hard or you will end up losing him forever "

With that Anna ended the discussion leavIng John Stilinski clueless and helpless more than any time in his life...  
............................

" Hey.." said Scott with a small smile,

" I don't want to see anyone right now " Stiles looked at the turned on T.V , surfing between the channels aimlessly,

 

" Can I just sit around, we don't have to talk or anything, we can just watch some movie if you want "  
Stiles just sighed then turned the T.V off 

"I am gonna sleep"

" it is okay , I'll keep real calm"

" you want to waste few hours of your life watching me a sleep ,yeah , not creapy at all ..is Allison okay with you watching other guys as they sleep?" He rose his eyebrows questioning, 

" No .." Said Scott flushing,  
" I mean it is not like that... Jeez, I just..I want to spend time with you man , make sure you are okay"

" well, first of all Scotty , I can only be as okay as much for a terminal cancer patient , second of all , how on earth can you be so insisted on being around me all the freakin time , dude I know that even you can understand when you are not welcome around "  
Scott sighed  
" Stiles ,You are pack.."

"I did not know that agreeing on that will make you my freakin babysitter "

" you are pushing me because you are scared, I won't turn my back and leave you Stiles"

" don't freakin analyse me ; we both know that you of all the people don't have the brains for that" Stiles rolled his eyes,

" don't insult your Alpha!" Scott frowned 

 

" oh yeah ! I am not one of your fury dogs and you are not really my freakin anything! "

" why are you angry with me all the time Stiles? I just want to help "

" why ? You don't owe me anything ! And you know I hate pity"  
Scott looked at him deeply, not truly angry , something between sadness and despair shined behind his eyes. Stiles felt goosebumps cover his skin, but he averted his his eyes, refusing to meet Scott's..  
Uncomfortable silence filled the air till Scott finally broke it,

" remember when my dad lift the house? My mom was so devestated and I was so scared. It felt like my life was falling apart and I was so lost and terrified ! I was hiding in my closest sobbing when you suddenly opened the door and brought me out like what superheros do in movies..I remember you just had a chemo session less than 2 days before that day but you still came Stiles! I.."  
He sniffed , Stiles just took a deep breath,

" you were alway the stronger between the two of us even when you stood leaning on an I .V stand in a washed blue hospital gown..you were there for me more than anyone had ever been, and pity is not something I feel when I think about you Stiles, I owe you enough to keep trying even when you keep on insulting me and hurting me like this, and I know you enough to know that all my effort will worth it "

" I changed " Stiles snorted, dry and humourless.

" no , you didn't, not so much "

" you don't know "

" I do .... you might add a million outer cover but beneath it all you are the same boy who stood by my hospital bed when I was 4 and held my hand when I couldn't breath because of my stupid asthma "

" you don't have asthma anymore and you have a pack who is way better than me Scott " it seemed little broken despite the obvious effort to cover the weakness behind the words,

" pack is family but no one of them can replace you man , you are my brother "

" Scott, I can't "  
Scott face fall,  
" why?!"

" I simply dont have the energy for this..not any more, I know I said I will be your consultant or whatever but right now I don't know if I can keep up with this. ."

 

" Stiles. ."

" Get out please"

" but ..."

" Goodbye Scott"  
......................


	10. Deep in my head..

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stiles POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Warning of thoughts of death and severe depression. .

"their heart grew cold  
they let their wings down"

.......................

Chapter ten

Stiles POV:

"I don't have the energy to feel anything anymore. ...  
Even pretending is hard now..  
I used to lay on bed and close my eyes.,pretending to be asleep in one more pathetic attempt to fool my dad or the nursing staff, but now I don't even care if they saw my eyes open because I'll ignore their questions and their gentle touches ,because days are all similar and nights are all similar, every thing ends but my struggling never ends , like what happens when you try to hold your head above water for not to drawn but you get tired eventually and decide nothing could possibly worth too much pain so you gladly let go..

I am gladly letting go...

Days are black and white with a hint of mesrible gray every once and a while..  
Every thing is dry and ugly and boring..

Automatic movements with no soul..

Funny that I knew once how to truly smile and not just the old muscle memory of lifting my lips to reveal some teeth with nothing guniene behind it..  
Funny that I knew once I felt contained. .  
Before the cold vice finds my heart and squeezs it all the time making it difficult to breath..  
Every day ,Iam racing to reach for some mirage ,fighting invisible enemies that no body else sees or feels..  
I am alone and I am weak ..  
The walls are closing on me and I scream, I bloody scream till my voice is hoarse and the translucent devils are laughing at me..  
I stretch my hand for someone to grab it but I am already so deep under the muddy suffocating ground that my fully stretched limp doesn't come close to penetrate it..

No air..can't breathe. .

Still Death doesn't want to come yet..  
It is watching me begging for it to come but it is too busy stealing lives of others..  
Others who don't even beg as good as I do..

Am I not good enough? 

''Not your turn yet , little one" it says , leaving me folded under ground, breathing that harsh panting . .  
Not yet..  
It says leaving me to wonder when?  
"When you finally don't want me to come, I'll pay you a visit. ."  
...............................

" snap out of it?"

How someone seeks death this eagerly will ever run away from it? 

I believe it is my saviour so how do they want me to fear it?

How can they ask me to snap out of it?  
How dare them?!

I remember once when my dad's bag was stollen long time ago, since then he learned to hold his bag so close wherever he is waking, even when he goes to the police station.  
He is just conditioned to this now, 

I am even more conditioned to hating pain and wishing for death more than he does with his stupid bag..

how does someone who lived his whole life feeling bad just not? How can it be a simple "snap out of it " that can fix me?.

When do people going to relies that I am just too broken to be fixed!

I am who I am , and this is part of me..like how people accept each other's imperfections they have to accept mine..

I wish they leave me alone.. If they can't help , I wish they just go away..  
..........................


	11. When the window opened ..

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stiles has this one visitor that makes things slightly better, then things just keep getting better and better. .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * this is one of my favourite chapters till now, I hope you guys like it too ; )

"We all want to break our orbits, float like a satellite gone wild in space, run the risk of disintegration. We all want to take our lives in our own hands and hurl them out among the stars"  
.....................................  
Chapter 11

The faint shuffling of the sliding window didn't really alert Stiles, he knew exactly who was standing there ,partially blocking the thin moon light that casted a narrow shadow on his bed.  
Stiles was not a sleep, long days of making himself sleep all day left him with terrible insomnia at night, but it was a small price to pay for avoiding people and he was willing to pay it without much complaining.  
The man in the leather jacket moved slowly to sit on the foot of his bed , he folded his arms on his chest and spoke softly,

"Why don't you ask me to go out and never come back like you do with everyone else?"

Stiles wondered that himself, maybe it was the exhaustion that come with the lack of proper body rest or maybe it was just that he didn't care anymore, but the truth was that in his head he always categoriesed Derek under another entity , he looked at him differently, less of threat and more as a safety net , some residual feeling that he had from that night in the ER when Derek carried him out the battle field ,

" mmmm, not really sure..maybe cause you don't keep asking me the same stupid questions about my health or make comments about how I ' look better today' like every one else does"

The beta twisted his mouth and his shoulders sagged a little,  
" everyone just worried about you "

Stiles knew that but he didn't care,  
" well ,I feel sick of it"

He didn't receive a direct answer , there was a beat of silence when each one of them was drowning in his own world,  
" I can tell you that you are making a magnificent work in pissing them off , keep it for a while and you will end up alone "  
Derek finally said, not angry but strangely cold , the younger man didn't take it as the challenge that it meant to be , it felt more like a little sad hint instead , but he already liked driving people away, he felt stronger that way, being the bad guy instead of being the weak one,  
" well, what about you Derek , would you side with everyone else and leave too?"  
He said playfully, but Derek wasn't taking it as lightly, and the stubborn boy didn't really understand why? The guy kept coming back to his room and making this type of conversations but still not ever showing that he pity him or feel sorry for him, 

 

" there are no sides , and I would only leave if you want me to, so I guess the question is ; do you want me to leave , Stiles? "

Stiles paused ,it is not like the beta would actually care anyway, but he still didn't dare asking him to go ,  
" not really ..." he sighed , words slipping from his mouth without really thinking,  
" just don't you ever pressurise me about treatment or psychotherapy and shit"

He saw him nodding quietly, seemingly understanding the need to give someone some space but he still asked him the one question he thought about it a lot of times before, 

"there is one last question I have about your treatment then I won't mention it again if you dont want me to"

Stiles shrugged,  
"Why not? shoot "  
The beta frowned,  
" will you stop it? Your treatment I mean?"

Stiles laughed, a thin humourless laugh,  
" I will if I could but till my 18th birthday my dad controls my life , I won't have the bone marrow transplant though, I threatened to through myself out of the window if my dad made me do it "

" ok ...so when exactly do you turn 18?"

" in 6 weeks "  
He smiled,  
" I never really thought I'd make it this far, I mean I still may not , but like..I thought I would die long time before I make it to this age "  
There was a moment of silence then the younger man ran his fingers slowly through his hair, more than few hair strands sprawled on the pillow between his fingers,  
" look at this, my hair here started falling like crazy 2 days ago that I doubt there will be anything left by the end of the week "  
He repeated the action several time, his pillow was covered with hair now, Derek felt little nauseated,  
" God ,that It is a pretty girly thing to feel bad about " His voice was little breathy like he was speaking and fighting his emotions at the same time.  
It was the first time for Derek to hear this tone in the young man's voice , it felt like he was witnessing a private moment of personal weakness that he was not really meant to see, his own heart gave a little sad twinge when he spoke,  
" well, you have a pretty decent hair , you are allowed to complain a little , no one would've blamed you"

Stiles blew some little more strings from his fingertips,  
" I think the keyword here dude , is " had" ", he sighed,  
" my dad shaved it the previous times before the chemo ever had the chance to take it away so I really never had the chance to feel emotional about seeing my hair fall around and stuff.. This time though I thought I might die before it even starts to fall..but I guess I won't even have the luxury of laying down in the cascade with semi decent hair"

Derek shrugged,  
" They can always put a wig on you if that is making you so concerned "

The sick boy was silent for a moment then he gave this one loud most genuine laugh that Derek had ever heard from him ,  
" a rainbow wig with bangs that cover one of my eyes ..imagine that, my dad would flip "

Derek smiled,  
" yeah , I can see that happening "

Stiles laughed again quietly,  
" naaa, that is not really my style,though, a simple black beanie should cover it "  
Derek didn't want to have the mental image of Stiles in an open cascade in his mind so he just sat there, choosing to play in some loose button in his shirt instesd.

 

" so , have you been in a funeral before? "  
Stiles asked him , and Derek didn't dare to be the one who laughs now , because really " has he been in a funeral before? !" Only everyone of his family members, but he didn't know if Stiles actually knew that , if he ever heard about the fire or what happened to Laura,  
" a few" he just decided to say. 

" oh yeah? How was it?" 

" what do you mean ? They were funerals like any other funeral, people wearing black, some are crying, some don't really care, few words are said about the person laying in the cascade, then everyone just goes home"

" so basically a lot of boring stuff" Stiles hummed,  
" good thing I have never been in one before then"

The beta rose his head so fast in surprise,  
" really. .I mean I thought your mom.."

" yeah , she died seven years ago but I was too sick back then to go to her funeral " Stiles said , not really sad or emotional like he was few minutes ago, Derek didn't know how he was supposed to answer that,  
" I am sorry "

The boy laying on bed snorted,  
" and how is that exactly your fault? "

Derek flushed a little ,

"What I meant is that I am sorry you didn't say Goodbye, it is not fair to not have a closure"

Stiles didn't answer that he just yawned lazily and his fingers moved subconsciously towards his hair again,  
Derek just couldn't take it anymore ,  
" you want me to help you with your hair?"  
the wolf eyes easily detected the way the boy's eye narrowing at him in the faint moon light,  
" you want to shave my head now? 2 in the morning in a hospital room? Cause this is the only way I am gonna stop running my fingers through it"

 

" if it is really bothering you, I don't see why not ?"

Stiles was surprised by the sincerity in Derek's voice , he told himself again that Derek didn't really care ,he was only acting politely, helping the cancer kid fulfilling one last wish,  
" yeah..okay , I want it off, all of it "

The beta nodded enthusiastically,  
" well, you wouldn't happen to have an electric razor around here, would you? "

Stiles laughed again , the same real spontaneous laugh like he did few minutes ago, it surprised Derek how good it sounds ,  
" of course not , it is not like I go around the hospital offering people a free hair shave in my free time , but you know, putting in mind that this is the oncology department I don't really think it would've been weird "

 

Derek thought for a moment ,  
" okay , just give me a moment ,I'll be back "

 

" wait..." The younger boy tried to say but Derek was already far out of the window .

It was around 20 minutes or so, Stiles felt ridiculous , laying there and waiting for Derek who was probably at his home now laughing at the stupid dying kid who really thought he will come back for him, but the the familiar shuffling of the window filled the room once more and Derek's body was a solid presence besides his bed again, a black electric razor under his arm, he didn't give Stiles time to ask him where did he get it from as his hands pulled the boy's upper half so he would be sitting in the bed instead of laying down,  
"Here you go, now where would you like us to do this?"

Stiles shrugged,  
" I don't know, I mean won't the buzzing alert someone of the nursing staff ?"

" not if we are really careful, why don't we go to the bathroom ?"

" ok"

They moved quietly to the small bathroom, closing the door behind them, Derek dragged the plastic chair that the sheriff usually sit in and put it there in front of the mirror, it was low but the upper part of Stiles head was still showed ,so it was good enough for now,  
" here you go "

" thanks " Stiles sat down, 

" you ready? "  
He asked noticing the weird look that crossed Stiles face for a moment, but then the kid blinked and his brave mask was firmly back on his face,  
" do it"  
Thee soft buzzing filled the air for few minutes , brown clumps of hair rapidly covered the white bathroom floor, Stiles kept his eyes closed till Derek announced that they were done, he then opened his eyes to meet the reflection of his bold head in the mirror, not exactly smooth as a soft dark fuzz was still there, his fingers moved automatically to touch it,

"Oh man , can't really say that I missed it but it doesn't fail to amuse me each time how weird does it feal"  
He smiled like a little amused kid  
" so fuzzy! "

Derek stood there smiling ,too, examining all the angles like he was appreciating his own skillful work,  
" well you probably have one of the most symmetrical heads I have ever seen, so it doesn't look half bad either "

" yeah?" 

" yeah ,but maybe we should have gone with a mohawk cut as a way to break it out to people , I would like to see the nurse face in the morning when she enters your room "

Another laugh , soft but tired ,  
" naaa, I won't be able to get away with something that bold, I mean look to my upturned nose I would look rediclous "

" I thought you didn't care what does anyone one think " Derek teased, 

" I don't but I still have a reputation to keep "

" oh yeah ,what is that ?"

" not to let anyone tell me how to style my hair" He then looked at the mirror challenging, meating Derek's eyes there, it lingered for a moment, hazel eyes meeting brown ones before the later closed in the course of a massive surprising yawn ,

 

" you probably should go back to bed" said the beta, Stiles eyes turned wide with the comment, a little disappointment filled them,

"But I really like it here , and it is not like I have anything early to do , I can sleep in if I want "

Derek snorted,  
" you are honestly saying that you like sitting in a plastic chair in a hospital bathroom at 3 in the morning "

the younger man bit his tongue before the words had a chance to eve come out , Derek could see the little battle in his brain running behind his eyes before he finally just rolled his eyes,  
" jeez , of course not, not when you put it like this any way "

They moved back to the room , Stiles looked like he was going to fall down on his face but he kept going on his own. Once he reached his bed safety, Derek went back to the bathroom and cleaned up a little, by the time he came back Stiles was yawning again ,

" I should be going now" he moved to the window but Stiles voice stopped him

 

" Darek .." 

He turned back to face him, his eyes were half closed already, his bold head making him look much younger,  
"can I ask you to do me one more thing? "

" sure Stiles"

" in my funeral, would you make sure that people don't say bullshit of lies and sweat things about me just because everyone has to...just make sure thay say the truth..and... I really want a yellow tie"  
It sounded really childish to Derek's ears,  
" yellow? "

" yeah , it was my mom's favourite colour "

Derek smiled sadly,  
" okay Stiles, I will make sure things work out the way you want them to"

He waited for a moment to make sure the boy was done with what he wanted to say,  
" good night Stiles"

" Night "  
He heard him say, then he heared a soft whisper that he could've easily missed it,  
" and..Thanks Derek... for today "

..........................................

Now that the plastic chair was back in its usual spot , filled with its usual occupant, Stiles was less excited with the conversation and more than willing to go back to sleep, even after sleeping most of the day and waking up only to eat and take some pills.  
He strangely felt hungry after about a week of daily turning off food offers and fighting for not to take his medicine,or at least any medication that was not pain killers any way .

His dad sat there , going through the same lines of conversation that they had every day,  
" I am glad you ate your break fast and lunch today, Stiles , I am really proud of you "  
Sriles nodded,  
" sure"

His dad looked at him like he was expecting more , when Stiles didn't gave that he just sighed deeply and bite his lips nervously,  
" you still don't want to talk to me? I thought we got a deal when we put the bone marrow transplant thing on hold for the mean time "

Stiles mirrored the deep sigh, he , too knew that his dad would be opening the transplant discussion again like he did everyday,  
" I told you I don't want it for good dad, not now and not ever, and I am not NOT talking to you , I just don't have anything to say since you already know everything happens to me while you are at work by asking Melissa "

His dad shook his head ,  
" well , I still don't know how you managed to shave your head by your own without any of the nurses help"

Stiles smirked,  
" I still have some tricks in my pocket, old man , I am not the open book that you think I am"

 

" so, someone of the pack helped then?"

Stiles snorted , 

" the pack are not allowed in to this room"

" not even Scott?"

" especially Scott"

" can I ask why? He seems really the same good kid that he used to be and the two of you used to be really good friends before "

Stiles had this conversation with Scott before and he didn't feel like repeating it,  
" I don't want to talk about it dad , you just need to know that things changed and that is as far as I am going to say about the Scott topic "

Stiles knew his dad was exhausted when he just noded and dropped the topic,  
They sat in silence for few minutes then his dad spoke,  
"Tell me, how is your back today, still bothering you? "

" no "

" well ,doctor Lynch wants to run another bone scan since it is been bothering you a lot lately "

" my back is fine"

" but.."

" dad would you stop?!..can we talk about something that is not my health for five freaking minutes "

" son.."

"Dad listen" Stiles looked at him deep in the eyes,  
" can I ask you for something dad? One thing that would mean the world to me?"

John swallowed audibly,  
" what is it?"

" can I go home?"

There was a moment of uncertainty in the air,  
" Stiles..you know we can't do that, you need to be kept under 24/ 7 observation for your treatment "

" but my treatment ends tomorrow "

" no , that is only one cycle, we need to wait for the results to know if you are going to start another one"

" what if I don't want to start another one?"

" Stiles.."

" just till my birthday then I will come back to the hospital "

" your birthday is in like 2 months Stiles!"

" 6 weeks".

" still! that is a hell lot of time ..No , NO Stiles"

" I am allowed some time to recover from chemo ! doctors always gave me some time to restore my energy even after one round of chemo!"

The conversation was drifting in to an argument again, the psychiatrist words echoed loudly in John's head, the invisible threat of pushing Stiles away forever was enough to cool his temper , he took a deep breath ,choosing his next words carefully, 

" Listen Stiles..I don't want to fight with you over this, honestly I am tired of arguing about every thing"

He looked at Stiles guarded expression, his face looked so thin without the hair strings that used to frame it,

" I will talk to Dr Lynch, if he is okay with it than I am okay with it"

...................

Stiles was doing some random online reading on his laptop when he felt his phone vibrating softly below his pillow.  
Melissa had managed to sneaked in his phone so his dad would check on him during his double shift nights, it was weird for Stiles to see his dad okay with doing illegal things so easily when it comes to him, even if sneaking a phone in to a hospital room was not really criminal act but still , it showed him how lines can blur when people get emotionally involved ...

He ignored what he guessed was his dad reminding him to get some rest and not to give the nurses any troubles , but then there was another vibration then another and it was honestly starting to get on his nerves .  
He snatched the phone with unnecessary force,

" Hello"  
" Stiles "  
" so you are really allowed to go home?"  
" oh sorry , you could be sleeping right now,we can talk later "

 

It was some random number that he didn't recognise, Stiles hesitated for a moment before texting back ,  
" who is it?"

There was a moment then came the answer

" It's Derek..."  
" sorry , I thought I saved my number on your contacts "  
" I guess I forgot to hit the save button"

Then there was that widly smiling emoji that , Stiles felt little overwhelmed for a moment,  
" How on earth did you get my number?!!"  
" Did you BREAK in to my dad's phone records or something ?!" 

He asked little suspicious and little angry ,

Derek's text came immediately,  
" No! I texted myself from your phone while you were asleep few days ago "

Oh ,....  
Still not accepted,  
" rude!" He typed then added an angry emoji  
" Really dude , not cool at all"  
I  
Derek put another smiling emoji then wrote  
" would you give me your number if I just asked?"

 

Stiles didn't know whether the question meant to bo light or blunt and challenging, he typed slowly,  
" I guess we will never know the answer to that now , right?"

Derek sent the sunglasses wearing emoji  
" anyway, is it true that you are leaving the hospital? "

 

Stiles smiled ,  
" YUP  
Lynch gave me two weeks off starting from tomorrow "

Derek's texts came fast,

" congratulations! !"  
"So when you get home?"

 

" around 6 p.m , my dad has a double shift and won't be able to pick me up earlier "

It was almost a whole minute of Derek typing before the text finally appeared on the screen,  
" oh..."  
"okay wait a minute "

Stiles looked at the the 4 words and his shoulders sagged, where else where else will he be going..

Derek tool about 10 minutes to text him again,  
" Does 10 a.m work for you? "

" Dude..I just told you my dad has to work !!"

 

" I am picking you up "

 

What?! No!  
" what?! No ! "  
"you really don't have to"  
I will wait for my dad "

" it is not a big deal , I am totally free tomorrow "

Stiles freaked out a little,  
" no really"  
" it's nothing "  
"I am okay"

There was another minute of Derek typing,  
" would you honestly waste almost a full day of your precious 2 weeks vacation just cause you don't want me to pick you ?!"

Stiles typed " yes " then quickly erased it ..It took him a couple of tries to finally make a decision, the truth is he wanted out now before tomorrow if it that was an option ,  
" ok .."  
"You made a good point "  
But he then he felt he needed to add something extra to it,  
" Just make it 11 a.m, 10 will be bet early for me to finish packing "  
He send the emoji with the sunglasses, 

" are you serious? !"  
Came the answer and he could almost see Derek rolling his eyes across the screen  
"Okay Stiles,  
11 a.m"

"Are you satisfied with that, your highness or do you think you might change your mind?"

Stiles smiled at his phone,  
" it is good"  
Then his fingers hovered again around the letters , not sure what to do  
" see you soon " he typed,

then turned off his phone.

..................................

Stiles adjusted the dark gray beanie once again and gave the nasal cannula another tug behind his ear before he took a look to his whole outfit in the bathroom mirror, it only showed him till the waist but it was enough to see how much weight he had lost since he came to the hospital by the way his jacket hanged miserably below his shoulders , he pulled his jeans little higher with a sigh , he had to add a new hole in his belt just so his pants can stay up .

He walked slowly to his bed , a glance to his phone showed it was still 10:37 , good,so he had some time to lay down a little and catch his breath , packing the few things he had left him beathless.  
Stiles knew he won't be missing the hospital by any means but the idea of walking any distance more that the few steps between his hospital bed and the bathroom was enough to to make him exhausted.  
The truth is that He was anemic , dyspnoeic, underweight and weak as a newborn kitten, even if he didn't like to admit it.  
He looked to the ceiling and wondered if he was ever coming back to the hospital again, if he was going to live 2 more weaks? !  
Some thing in his head kept telling him that he should never allow this to happen,  
He should never come back. ..  
He should make sure that he dies in his own bed by his own way to go and not the slow agonising death everyone around him wanted him to have..  
His thoughts were interrupted by a soft knock before Derek's head came through the door , Stiles looked at him with half a smile not bothering with sitting up ,  
" hey , are you ready to leave?"

" oh , it is kinda weird to see you coming through the door like a cevilised human being, you know?" He teased , Derek just rolled his eyes  
" I am ready" he said and started sitting slowly,  
Derek opened the door fully and walked in followed by Melissa who was pushing a wheelchair.  
Stiles looked at both of them with murderous look in his eyes,  
" absolutely freaking no!" He said angrily,  
" I am not paralysed, I can walk myself out"  
He stubbornly stated when he knew that he wouldn't make it till the elevator without at least 3 to 4 breaks in the way.

" you know it is the hospital policy , Stiles, come on" Melissa argued but he looked away like a little kid who didn't want to eat his vegetables,  
" I don't care"

" don't act like a child , would you like to just do it and get done with it or would you like to waste your time arguing a lost battle "  
Derek had this heated look behind his eyes , they kept staring at each other till Stiles finally let out an exaggerated breath and went to the wheelchair, pulling the small oxygen tank to his lap as he sat,  
" Fine ! " he shouted " just ..bring my duffle "

He totally missed the half smirk that Derek and Melissa exchanged behind his back..

............................

They gave him sometime to just lean on the open door of the Camaro's passenger seat and enjoy the warm sun.  
He had been in the hospital long enough to forget how did that felt, his eyes took some time to adjust but the deep rusty feeling in his bones wasn't as bad when the warmth penetrante them, the small tremors that usually ran along his spine abated for few seconds.  
He then moved himself to slide inside the car, a mix of pine tree air refreshner and a faint trace of Derek's aftershave filled his lung along with the oxygen from his cannula .  
Derek followed after a moment , sliding gracefully behind the driving wheel, he started to drive slowly , taking them away from the place Stiles had spent most of his life in.  
The low engine hum and the slowly changing views through the window glass would've put Stiles to sleep till he noticed that they weren't actually heading to his house,  
" where are you going? This is not the way to where I live? "

Derek smiled without taking his eyes away from the road ahead of them,  
" we are going to my apartment "

" what?! Why?!"

" it was the only way your dad allowed me to pick you , he didn't want you to stay alone at home"  
Stiles sighed in frustration, of course his dad won't let him stay home by himself for all this time ,  
" I should have known that there was a trick behind this whole driving me home idea"

Derek frowned,  
" would you prefer to sit alone in your room? how exactly can this be different from being at the hospital?"

" seriously?!" Stiles sighed  
" Okay , you won't get it anyway"

 

" at least you wouldn't have to climb up the stairs every time you wanted a glass of water in the apartment "

" I would've stayed on the couch, so that should never be a problem " Stiles huffed 

" sure , maybe next time " Derek smirked while Stiles just gave him a nasty look. He then reached to play with the radio buttons, the loud blast of opera music suddenly filled the car and made his mouth hang open for a moment with amusement,  
" well,we'll, well , Look at that ,The big bad wolf is an Oprah fan! Who would've guessed?"  
If a look can kill Stiles would have fallen dead by the way Derek looked at him,  
" one more sarcastic comment on my music and I will rip your throat "

" I dont know why I find it hard to take you serious right now "

Derek just made an angry snare making Stiles smirk,  
" okay, okay sourwolf ,calm down, don't you get your panties on a wad"

............................................

They walked slowly from the elevator to the apartment's door , Stiles felt already drained by the car ride, the trip reminded him by the first time he came to the pack's den and get thrown out when Demian took Lydia.  
It was strange how it was Derek himself now who brought him here. He looked behind and found that Derek was salking behind in purpose, giving him space;. Stiles appreciated the subtle gesture, he wouldn't allow any one to help him walk if he can make it by himself and he was thankful for Derek acceping that and not hovering around him like a mother hin.  
They finally made it to the apartment and There was a moment of total silence when Derek reached for his key and opened the door, then suddenly there was a blur of movement and several voices shouted in one voice  
" welcome Home Stiles " ,

He froze for a whole minute , not knowing what was happening till Erica, Alisson and Lydia came close and took turns hugging him. He was flushed with embarrassment and his head was spinning a little from the unexpected gesture,  
" what? ! What is this?"

He looked at them expecting it to be some sort of a prank, he saw that Scott was about to speak but he then just swallowed down whatever he wanted to say when their eyes met and just gave him a little sad smile making Stiles feel a twinge of guilt that he hurriedly dismissed it.

" we thought you need a little welcome home celebration,after all it is not everyday that one of the pack get discharged from the hospital " said Issic smiling, 

Stiles didn't know what to say for a moment, " but in the hospital ...I threw you all out ! I told you that I didn't want any of you to come to my room , I said that I didn't want to be part of this pack thing again"

" we could hear your heartbeats Stiles, we know you didn't really mean what you said " Erica said , then gave him another kiss on the cheek,  
" come on , we have soda, pizza , and a movie marathon that we have to finish before your dad come to pick you"

" annnd ,you are really lucky that they discharged you on Saturday , we don't have school tomorrow so we can waste the day without feeling guilty " Lydia said and took his hands in hers , moving them to the the living room,

" only you can feel guilty about school Lydia, you fun killer " Stiles turned his head to see Issic speaking , in the far corner of the room, he saw Derek smile softly at the interaction, before he hefted Stiles light duffle on his back and went upstairs, Scott walked to the kitchen without taking his eyes from the floor,  
" I'll get the pizza" he said quietly, 

Boyd and Alisson gripped soda bottles and cups and followed everyone to in front of the T.V in the middle of the living room.  
Stiles sat on the couch between Erica and Lydia , he remembered them putting on the LOTR but he dozed sometime between Gandalf's speech in Bilbo's birthday and the fireworks show . The next thing he knew was Derek waking him up softly and handling him some pills and a glass of water which he took without any argument ,then just went back to sleep, a thin blanket fill on his shoulder and soft fingers drew faint traces on his forehead making him more relaxed and calm than he felt in a long time..  
..................

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick fact:  
> In treatment of ALL, patients receive high doses of corticosteroidsas part of therapy protocol which make them all puffy and not thin and gaunt like Stiles appears to be but in this fiction that doesn't happen. .


	12. It is a beautiful day today. .

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vacation. .  
> Let's have a vacation!
> 
> * warning : suicide attempt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Can you believe that it had been a little more than a year since I started this story ! Wow!!  
> I mean I just want to say how much I enjoyed writing every chapter and how much I have grown attached to all the characters despite all the spilling/ grammar mistakes :D  
> * this chapter is also one of my favourites, it add more to the growth of the characters and their interaction, so, I hope you guys like it, too ;)

"A bridge of silver wings stretches from the dead ashes of an unforgiving nightmare  
to the jeweled vision of a life started anew"

Chapter twelve 

" _Vacation_? Are you sure that is a good idea?" Asked Scott , not feeling for the idea, he surly wanted to make Stiles happy more than anything but vacation meant getting out, expose to things, catching bugs....etc

There were endless ways to get hurt in a vacation and he wasn't sure that the sheriff would even agree to it..

" my family's beach house " said Lydia,  
" it is private, clean and we could have a good time there safely "

"I think it is a great idea! " jumped Erica in excitement,  
" He has depression! What is better than bringing some life in to his life to make him feel better"

" but guys!.." Scott tried but soon was silenced by Lydia again,

" nothing bad will happen! You worry too much Mccall"

" I am not even sure his dad will let us take him anywhere!"

" I am not even sure Stiles himself would like to go to the beach " came Derek voice when he entered the loft, kicking his shoes and walking to the kitchen to join the bunch of teens.

Scott , Lydia , Erica and Boyd were having a small meeting there while Derek was driving Stiles to his home, a tradition they had developed in the last week since Stiles left the hospital .  
Allison had to leave earlier and Isaac was sleeping peacefully on the couch in front of the turned off T.V since the loft was practically their home and no one felt hesitant about making themselves comfortable.

" I bet if you came Derek both Stiles and the Sheriff wouldn't mind the idea" said Erica with a knowing smirk , Derek only rolled his eyes ,

" I don't think it is a good idea" the beta said and Scott was relieved someone else thought that , it sounded ominous in a way , but not everyone felt like that, Lydia huffed in annoyance the same time she threw her hands in the air with frustration ,  
" he will go back to the hospital in less than a week ! For God's sake give him some break !Scott, listen, I know you are furiously protective of Stiles, and I like that about you, I do, and you Derek , you like him, you don't want him to get hurt.."

" oh for the Love of God ,I don't like him!.." intrupted Derek but Lydia just kept talking,

" Anyway! My point is, what if this was Stiles last chance to do something like that?!"

Utter silence filled the air , a sudden cloud of sadness stood over them ,  
" what if it is his last time to ever see the ocean or have any sort of care free fun .."

She sighed and her face fell,  
" I. .I think it is not even up for argument guys, Stiles NEEDS this vacation "

...............................

Stiles gave out a surprisingly deep laugh that ended up with him having a small b out of coughing. Erica gave him a gentle pat on his back while the rest of the pack exchanged worried looks till the hacking cough finally subcided and the pale boy had his breath under control,

" never make me laugh like this again " he said,  
" I almost stopped breathing for a second there, and mind you , I don't want to die choking "  
Scott trembled a little despite the joking tone in Stiles voice , he wanted to speak but stopped himself, looking at rest of the pack with puppy eyes and pleading them to do the talking ,Lydia gave a small nod,

" so , is that a yes?"

Stiles looked at her with wide eyes ,  
" are you serious? ! This is not a joke?"

" of course not Stiles , we are 100% serious about going to beach "

" with me?!"

" yes! With you!"

" have you seen me recently?! Plus what made you think I would say yes?"

" well , your break will end in few days and you will go back in the hospital, so why won't you say yes ? ! And as regard the other stuff you don't worry your smooth little head with it , we got it"

Stiles scuffed ,  
" listen Marten I am not one of your dolls or your cute pets , you don't get to drag me around wherever you want"

" Stiles for God's sake don't be like this, they are only trying to be nice here " said his dad while Lydia gave him a dirty look,

Stiles rolled his eyes and squared his arms,  
" you just stay out of it dad, please, I mean, I don't believe that you Mr. Mother hen even agreed on this"

His dad sighed,

"Well, since you were clearly Mr. I wanna get out of hospital and live my life ! I thought you would like to have some fun time with your friends "

" oh yeah?! Well, I only want to have a peaceful night alone in my own bed"

"God!! Are you serious Stiles?!"

" okay okay , Sheriff there is no need for this" intervened Derek,  
" Stiles, it is clearly your choice, do whatever you want to do "

And Stiles was already saying he would never go except that Scott suddenly crouched in front of him and looked him directly in the eyes,  
" Stiles...we are going to see the ocean "

  
He gave him a small and sad smile,  
" I know the last time you did that, you were with your mom and that you had a great time"

  
He squeezed Stiles hand and when he spoke next,his voice carried so many emotions in it,

  
"It will be nice , we can have good time"

  
There was another beat of silence, Stiles averted his eyes so not to look at Scott's puppy ones, the memory of his mom and the day they spent at the seashore was fresh in his mind, which only made him curse Scott a little under his breath because his former best friend still knew how to make him do things...

he sighed , feeling exhausted from all the the fight he was doing all the time,

" Okay ! Okay I am going. .I hope you are all happy "

.........

It was a two hours journey by car but The Camaro took a little bit extra time till the air passing though the rolled down windows started being pregnant with the smell of salt and the jewellery blue colour of the water caught Stiles eyes.

  
He was with Derek ,Scott and Allison while the others were ahead of them in Lydia's car when they left BH in the early hours of morning without the sheriff whom was supposed to join them the following day , needless to say the worried dad made sure that there was a nearby hospital with an ambulance that was 5 minutes away just in case anything happened.. He also made sure the pack knew Stiles medications schedule by heart , and of course, he made them all promise to look after his sick son and to call him if anything happened..

Lydia's car was already empty when the Camaro slowed down .It was parked in front of a cozy yet still classy looking 2 floor house that was lettarly only few steps from the shore, adding this to the fact that summer vacation was few weeks away , they were blessed with having the beach all to themselves.

Stiles felt little hypnotised from the moment he opened the car door and walked to where the waves were rippling gently before they faded, suddenly ,he was back to his 6 year old self, an excited ball of energy that kept pulling his mom's dress so they could race to the huddling waves and get all wet . He remembered the way she was smiling, radiant and larger than life, picking his hand and running with him till the water was just below his waist, his mom then held him to her chest as they sat down which brought the water level to just below his chin ,he felt little scared then and he wrapped his thin little arms around his mom's neck but she kissed his head and told him not be afraid.  
He remembered building a sandcastle and watching a strong wave washing it away, he even cried a littel but mommy and daddy came and help him build a new and a stronger one, before daddy went to the man on the cart and brought them hotdogs .

This time though , he was standing alone and facing the endless waves by himself , saluting the horizon like an old friend the he knew long time ago, he only dared to touch the water and get his feet get wet, cause this time he was even weaker and his mom wasn't there to hold him tight , he was afraid the ocean would swallow him or he would get lost and forgotten in its deep bottom. .

" I am glad you changed your mind and came"  
Scott's voice resonated behind him, and Stiles turned around to see him standing there with two folded beach chairs and an umbrella in hands , the sun sent barely a thin line of yellow but he was glad to enjoy the scene without having to worry about getting a sun stroke or something since his legs already felt little heavy.

He sat with Scott on his left and let his mind wonders for a little while, seagulls catching his eyes as they flew far a way , chasing their destiny beyond the horizon,

" it is not half bad here , I am glad I came too"  
He said which made Scott beam with joy . Stiles forgot sometimes how much of sweetheart Scott was, and how much of a good friend he used to be,

" I don't believe you remembered about my trip with my mom" he said with a half smile,

" yeah ! you only talked about it like a hundred time " Scott grinned widly, watching him with so much fondness in his eyes,

" it is probably my best memory ever" Stiles shrugged, but Scott smiled again,

" sorry for that, I mean not sorry you had a happy time but like, sorry you don't have another hundred great memory "

Stiles nodded and looked at the sky with a deep sigh , the rest of the pack were unloading stuff from the cars to the house leaving the two best friends to enjoy the beautiful day and the beautiful scene.  
Scott was acting like Stiles didn't do anything wrong , agaim and again , the true alpha kept ignoring the human hurtful words, refusing to let an ancient friendship dies because of stubbornness. It wasn't because he was weak or stupid, it was just that he decided to have a bigger heart since he knew who was the real Stiles, and not the sick exhausted copy of him ..  
For Scott, Stiles Stilistiki was his brother, someone might get angry with their sibling but no one could really disown his family, especially not when they are sick , and certainly not with the shadow of losing them kept hovering in the air ..

Stiles, on the other hand, had no option but to lean in to the overwhelming kindness, who couldn't really? ! Logically speaking, he didn't feel like he worths all the care and forgiveness, he thought that Scott , who had everything, shouldn't give a damn about Stiles ,who had nothing, but the ware wolf kept recoiling like a stretched band of rubber..  
Sitting there, the sick teen felt a little bit of guilt dancing in his heart about how he was treating Scott since he came from New York , he didn't want to apologise , but at the same time it felt like he had to..

" I....well, I know I was a little douchebag before but I just wanna say that...you are a good guy Scott, you deserve all the good things in your life, and Allison, well, she is great, you two are really nice togather "

Scott eyes shined like an excited kid in candy store,  
" thanks man....I mean, I know you , I know you don't mean half of the Shit you say, I am so glad you came from NY Stiles , I really missed you and I am so happy you get to meet Allison, too and that you like her, your approval to our relationship...well..It really means a lot to me"

  
" Scott, that sounded little creapy..I am not her dad, you don't need my blessing to like .. . marry her "

He said that and laughed a little at how goofy Scott was being , he noticed that his comment made him flush pink,  
" I guess. , yeah..but still , it means a lot to me"  
And those words warmed Stiles heart for some reason , knowing Scott still care about what he thinks and all, he turned his head and looked at Scott who was grinning from ear to ear,

" remember , Stiles? " he said,  
"Remember when we were like. . I don't know, 8 or 9 year old and we promised to name our first born after each other's? ".

Stiles eyes went wide, a crackling laugh slipped his mouth before he registered it,  
" holy Shit dude! that was ages ago! and it was really stupid ! I mean , it obviously pour in my best interest, I dont think that ' Scott ' is too bad for a name , but..on the other hand, what kind of parent name their child 'Stiles'"

Scott shrugged  
" mmmm....not necessarily "Stiles" then, but maybe your real name "

" oh yeah , the one that you yourself can't even pronounce correctly... of course not! ! I mean , I swear to god Scott , I don't care if we are not real friends any more but if you cursed an innocent child with that name ,I will make sure to come back as a ghost and hunt your ass"

" alright, alright! " Scott threw his hands in the air ,  
" but first of all: we are a real friends , and second: I still feel that I owe it to let you name one of my children if you are still gonna stick to your part of the vow "

"Sadly Scott ,I am not sure I can even if want, you know" he gestured with his hands to his lower abdomen,  
" chemo destroy your gonadal parts and statistically speaking I won't have enough life expectancy neither physical ability to be a daddy one day..but yeah sure I would totally name my kid Scott under different circumstances"

Scott face went pliant, his smile turning in to a frown which made Stiles pout in annoyce ,

" Scott , for gods sake if you want us to be friends you should learn to keep up with the black comedy of the situation ... I have cancer, probably going to die in few months, So what?! I have the right to joke about it" he shrugged then narrowed his eyes,  
" plus , when you say you want me to name your child do you mean your hypothetical, totally imaginary unreal child ? Or are you trying to tell me that you and Allison are .. you know.. having a bun in the oven "

Scott's eye went wide , his mouth hanging,  
" WHAT?! NO!!, God ! Stiles , No! It is totally my hypothetical unreal child that we are talking about here "

" hmmmmmm,okay, let's see then" he made a thinking face,

" a girl..I want you to name your little girl Leia like princess Leia" Stiles said and when he caught the confusion on Scott's face he tried to clarify more,  
" Princess Leia from Star Wars, Scott!"

Scott nodded a little ,  
" oh..yeah never saw those "

" are you freaking kidding me? ! You guys have a movie night almost every day and you didn't watch Star Wars!?"

" Nope "

" holy ... " Stiles let out an exaggerated breath,  
" I knew there was something seriously wrong with you guys "  
................................

By the time the the noon rolled out and the sun started getting hotter, Stiles eyes was getting droopy.  
Everyone else was in a bathing suit throwing water at each other and laughing while he was sitting with a thin blanket on his knees. Of course, it was little heart rending to stay behind like an old grandma while kids his age were having fun but he found himself in peace with the situation , the mare idea of sitting with his feet brushing wet sand and gitting dipped with the fading waves every once in a while, was the most interesting thing he had in a very very long time.  
The day was perfectly warm and he was calm and relaxed that he didn't even feel himself giving up to sleep till Lydia stood by his head, with a baby blue scarf around her waist and shook him awake,

" come on, let me show you your room, you need to get some rest before the party anyway "

He stumbled a little on his feet , still feeling little drowsy with sleep but then he heard her words and they made no sense to him,  
" what party?!"

"Well...since the sheriff will be coming tomorrow, we thought about having a party tonight before any of the adults come "

"are you serious? !"

" of course "

She walked him to the kitchen first and put a plate in front of him, pouring some grilled chicken and salad in it,  
" first , you eat your lunch and take your pills then you can sleep "

And if that was one of the nurses in the hospital, Stiles would've gavan her a good run for her money before he gives in, but at that moment, he just did what he was told without even a little hiss, something about the salty air made him in a good mood , plus the fact that the food tasted so good , and that said a lot coming from a kid with destoyed taste buds and a mouth filled with ulcers..

The small journey of climbing the stairs left him tired to his bones and he only had few seconds to register how beautiful was the room that Lydia took him to, before the bed called his name and he was asleep before his head hit the pillow ...  
............................

" I came baring gifts, like the best gifts....like better than Christmas gifts"  
Lydia announced in a sassy tone the moment she opened the door and switched the lights on , waking Stiles up from the best sleep he had in long time , he buried his head under the pillow and whined ,

" goooo away...there is no Christmas in May "

" come on , grumpy Mr. Stilinski , it is 6:30 you slept all day, and the party will start in an hour" came Allison's voice from somewhere near , and when Stiles lifted the pillow for a second he noticed that Lydia , Allison and Erica were standing there in their full make up and their pretty dresses, looking at him .

His cheeks flushed with embarrassment and he started to sit in bed with the pillow behind his back ,

" what is going on here? !" He asked slightly surprised ,

"we are going to make you beautiful for tonight's party" said Erica with a smirk before she added,  
"Or technically , we will make you pretty so a certain someone in today's party can see it "

His eyes went wide and he coughed a little,  
" w-what does that mean? "

" be ready for the best girls/ Stiles makeover " Allison said and started getting things out of the bags that Lydia brought, Stiles felt uncomfortable with all the girly attention,

" have I mentioned before how much I don't like girls/ Stiles ... ummm, stuff"

Lydia huffed,  
" Stilinski, you have to learn when to shut up and listen to me, time will come to teach you I know better"  
She took out a big bag of make up and waved it in front of his eyes , making his mouth open in shock

" what is this ?! You can't be serious?! I am not gonna wear make up! Are you crazy? "

" you won't be wearing make up if no one else can see it "

" no way ! I am not a freakin Russian doll , I don't do make up "

" relax it won't be something drastic, we are talking some foundation cream and little bit of blush "

" not in your wildest dreams Marten! "

" is this is a challenge? " she looked at him with pursed lips,

" take it as you want to take it..I am not letting you anywhere near my face"

She rolled his eyes and gave a sharp laugh,  
" honey, nothing in Beacon hills is out of my reach , your face included "

" Stiles, she means it" Allison spoke seriously

"But I don't. ."

" Stiles, don't. .just don't " Erica warned ,

"I forgot my big brush in my room" Lydia told him with a smug smile,  
" I'll be back in a sec"

The moment she left the room both Erica and Allison were on his sides ,

" Stiles ...this is Lydia Martin, no one just challenge The Lydia Martin "

" you can't be serious? ! it is rediculous, Erica, you are a werewolf ,you can lift her with 2 fingers "

" oh Stiles, make an enemy of Lydia and she will turn your life in to hell ..believe me. .I mean, one time she caught Jackson looking at some cheerleader and, oh my god, it was ugly! I still get goose bumps everytime I remember , poor guy was in the hospital for a weak "

Stiles scoffed,  
"Come on.. How can this even be possible? "

Erica shook her head,  
" well.. I don't know how exactly it did happen ..but Jackson ended up with itching power in his underwear that day in practice and to his shitty luck he had a very bad reaction to it that they had to keep him sedated for a week for not to torn his skin open because of how bad he was itching "

" well , I like to call it karma," Allison shrugged while Stiles blinked in shock,

" jeez.."

Erica nodded,  
" yeah ,but Allison , no one deserves this ! . . .oh and there was this one time when a random girl in school hall made fun of Lydia's Gucci bag"

" oh no no , she loves this bag! " Allison gasped,

" no kidding. ..anyway ,nobody ever saw that girl again"

" Lydia killed her?!" Stiles almost shouted

" WHAT?! No... the girl moved to another school. .Lydia is not a murderer"

"Lord!! with what you just said , she doesn't seem so innocent, too...."

" no ..she wouldn't kill you ..she is way smarter than that "

" she prefers to torture you slowly. .to enjoy every second of your pain "

Stiles looked between them with a real fear on his face,  
" oh my god ! I thought girls supposed to be cute!"

" cute, my man, does not mean weak" came Lydia's voice as she walked in with the largest make up brush that Stiles had ever seen in his life, the smirk on her face told him not to mess around so he just sighed and nodded, giving her his face and his manly dignity. .

.........

"Look at yourself, I knew you had it in you, Stilinski "

He stood in front of the mirror not recognising his own reflection,  
Skinny black jeans, and button down black shirt with folded sleeves , the size was suspiciously perfect and instead of looking like a gaunt kid drowning in an oversize sweats , his clothes fitted him like a glove, clinching in all the right places and maneging to even make him look kinda of attractive. His head was covered with the softest beanie that Stiles had ever worn, simple black wool that still looked classy enough to turn eyes.  
Then his eyes moved to his face..  
And well ..for starters , he didn't look like he was wearing any make up instead he just looked healthy, the way he used to be before all the chemo macho, the dark bags under his eyes were much less pronounced and his cheeks had the slightest shade of natural pink on them which made his eyes pop out a little like they were lined with a thick pencil.  
If not for the nasal cannula, Stiles would have looked completely healthy and even an attractive young man.

It was like magic ...

"So ,,no objections or wry comments?"

He blushed a little and gave a little smile,

" oh , so that is your best " I love it Lydia, you know better and I will always listen to you from now on " reaction, now? " Lydia smirked , celebrating her winning, and Stiles only rolled his eyes,  
" thank you Lydia for not making me look like I have a Halloween's monster face"

She rose her eyebrows in amusement,  
" you are a dork Stilinski, I swear, I dont know why I even waste my time!! come on, let's go down "

.............................

Someone whistled the moment Stiles came down stairs, making him go as red as a ripe tomato,  
He felt scandalous with the pack's eyes on him while he stood there as if he was carrying a neon sign on top of his head,

" you look amazing Stiles" said Isaac with a sweet smile on his face but Stiles was more interested in Derek reaction, he could have sworn that the beta was impressed by the way he gave him a shy smile even though he didn't say anything. The attention was short lived ,however, as everyone started walking outside because apparently the real party took place on beach.

It was a warm night, and Stiles eyes went wide the moment his feet touched the sandy beach.  
Along the shore there was a circle of neon lights surrounded a small fire , fluffy cushions for everyone to sit on were arranged to be close to the warmth in the center of the circle yet not very close for them to get desturbed by the smoke or soot .  
In the background there was the calming sound of softly crushing waves , and the most beautiful shining starts decorating the dark sky.  
He had never been at a party /beach party before, so he didn't know what to expect, he sat on a thin cushion and rested his back on another solid one while watching Allison and Scott bringing up pizza and beer (well for every one except for him , he got juice, which wasn't fair), then Isaac took out a neat guitar and played a short but strident intro that made everyone else clap and whistle in admiration,  
" yeah , Isaac baby yeah! You are so good at that! "  
Said Erica with so much enthusiasm that made Isaac blush a little,  
" pack karaoke! " announced Scott and except a reluctant Derek and slightly surprised Stiles everyone else seemed pretty excited.  
Stiles watched as Scott and Allison kicked it off as a deuto, singing " at the beginning " from the movie 'Anastasia' , and despite being out of tune here and there they were cherished by the rest at the end .  
Then Boyd came next, he sang " you raised me up" directing the lyrics to Erica ,who kept blushing and leaning on him,  
it turned out the black beta had a really amazing voice, strong , little raspy , and emotional all together. Lydia and Isaac followed, singing togather that one song that Stiles didn't recognise. The lyrics went on about facing inner fears and fighting for your dreams and it was so strong and touching that Stiles had a small tear escaping his eye without even noticing, he felt Derek's comforting hand on his forearm, and when he looked at him he saw a warm look on his face, something like a safety net and a promise that everything was going to be okay. It was sincere and it reached deep within his soul , Stiles felt right then and there that may be he can believe it .

He missed the following song and the fact that at some point, Isaac started playing a soft mellow tune that got them standing and asking each other for a dance, Lydia and Erica both offered to dance with him but Stiles just told them he would be probably wind up gasping after a couple of steps so they finally left him and went with the rest of jumping teens ,  
  
" so you didn't go with them cause you're tired or was it because of the fact that you don't really know how to dance? "  
Derek's voice surprised him ,and Stiles turned around to where the ware wolf was sitting ,noticing that the two of them were sitting alone now as everyone else moved few feets away so they can dance freely on sand.  
Stiles gave him an intimidating look before he finally spoke,  
" it is not of your business " he said but without a real heat behind it,  
" why aren't you dancing if you are that much of charmer Mr. Big bad ass ware wolf ?"  
Derek laughed deeply and Stiles was able to see the fine lines around his eyes even in the weak light of the fire,  
" me?! Well , Mr. Big bad ass ware wolf here can't dance to save his own life if he had to!"

" are you now?" Stiles teased ,  
" even I can dance and I am the cancer ridden kid"

" you can?!"

" yeah...my mom LOVED dancing, she taught me how to dance the moment I started walking "

Derek smiled and Stiles wondered when had it become so easy for him to talk about things like that in front of anyone let alone this man, whom he practically didn't even truly know.  
They sat in silence for a wile watching the pack doing the most rediculous moves when music took more rapid rhythm, Isaac was moving his hands so fast that it looked like he had 3 hands instead of 2, it looked impossible for a moment,

" I was supposed to take dancing lessons before the school prom, but then... the fire happened and I never had a chance to learn "  
Said Derek in a quiet sad voice , and Stiles knew that Derek might not have told anyone this before and that he was trusting him with personal little things , too.

" my dad told me about the fire, I am..." he started but didn't know what to say next, apologising to Derek about losing his family felt like doing the only thing that Stiles hated receiving from people, it felt like pitying him and reminding him of what he lost instead. He swallowed hard ,hesitating about asking the question that popped up suddenly in his head, Derek eyes was on him though, waiting for him to talk,  
" how ...how did you manage to go on with your life after you lost everything? "  
He bravely asked and watched Derek's face goes little pale, he looked like he was fighting to get the words out of his mouth,

" I didn't think I really do...not for a long time" the older man swallowed hard, " I mean , Laura was there, she took care of everything, house ,food , money. .. I was nothing but an empty shell for a couple of years....I went to thearapy, I almost missed a year at school because of how much classes I fluked. It was horrible. ..I didn't think I could ever be functioning again in my life, l mean. .It was a long and difficult road to get back to something that even resample living " he bit his lip,  
"But then, my sister was killed and I was this close from giving up again and falling in to a deep pit of depression, I remember seeing her corps and thinking, what does living mean anymore ? Why don't I just kill myself and join my whole family right now and then? "

There was a pause , suddenly, Derek seemed to be emotionally drained but Stiles had no patience, he wanted to ask him what made him change his mind? What stopped him from killing himself

Exept that, like every thing in his life, the chance to talk went by rapidly when the rest of the teens started coming around the fire while laughing and talking , effectively silencing both him and the troubled beta . They sat in a circle with Stiles and Derek in the middle , oblivious to the change in mood and the small scent of sadness that was hidden behind burned wood and salty air.  
Stiles felt himself lean on to Derek just a little in a small gesture of support, and the ware wolf squeezed his hand in a silent " thanks"

" let's play spin the bottle"  
Suggested Erica suddenly but a choral of " nooo" filled the air,  
" not the kissing version ,you silly , even though it would be a great way to break the ice" she winked at Stiles and he felt his ears turning red with embarrassment, he sat straight, moving away from Derek,

" we will play truth or dare " she announced, and even though Lydia kept saying she wasn't drunk enough for that, a couple of bizarre facts were spoken and few ridiculous dares were made. Still all the time they made sure the game was light and frolic , not wanting to make Stiles uncomfortable with more than couple of teases here and there .

Couple of hours later , Boyd was singing again, this time it was a soft, sad song that felt more personal and private than anything else Stiles had heard.

They were laying down with a thick blanket beneath them and looking to the stars .only Stiles was wrapped in a caccon of covers and pillows to insure he was warm and cozy. He blinked at the sky and kept thinking about how he didn't had any of the usual dark ideas today. It was the first time something like this happens in a very long time.  
For one day , Stiles forgot about cancer and death ...  
He laughed from his heart and after so many years , it felt warm and satisfying and energising. He still felt sick and weak but not ....not defeated. For one day ,Stiles was just lying on beach and looking to the sky with people who made so much effort for him to be with them to enjoy some typical teenage little things like having a vacation ,and partying with friends and even having a silly little crash on a certain sour wolf..  
It felt like a dream that he never had before, except maybe for that sad part at the end , the fact that no matter how he tried it won't be more than a dream ,a weekend fling before he is back to his sucky real life where he still will be dying horribly and in so much pain. His eyes stung a little with tears once the reality of situation caught up with him, no matter how truly happy he was today, it was only temporary, he still was the depressed and terminally ill kid with cancer .

" hey, are you alright? "

Derek whispered from next to him, his warm hand finding Stiles cold one under the covers,  
" y-yeah"

" are you sure?" Derek voice held a swap of concern that Stiles was used to hear from everyone,  
" yeah..just tired, I think I should go to bed now"  
Derek nodded and moved to help him standing, the rest of the pack was alerted by the sudden movement but Derek assured them to keep the party going and he will help Stiles to bed .  
The younger boy didn't protest when the beta put his arm around his waist as they walked to the house , or when Derek held his oxygen tank while he stood there in front the mirror ,slowly washing away the make up and watching his face goes back to its ashen gray complex in the faint bathroom light.

He even let the beta take off the fancy clothes that Lydia brought and dress him in to his old ratty shirt and sweats before tucking him under the softest devout in the world.  
Stiles mind was busy dealing with the constricting feeling that filled up his chest, an old rotted sense of doom and despair.  
The only thing that was certain in this life , is that Stiles Stilinski was not meant to be part of it..  
Stiles Stilinski was sentenced to die long time ago..

  
...............

 

He woke up with a stuffed nose and sore throat the next morning which ,honestly, was pretty expected .  
His body simply was falling apart, a breeze of air was threatening to bring him down hard and that exactly what happened.  
Scott took one look to his fever flushed face and he freaked out, basically running around him like a mother hen , shoving a thermometer in his mouth with one hand and pushing him to lay down in bed with the other.  
He had a slight fever but for Scott it was like having the permission to announce a state of emergency and wake up everyone in the house,  
" Scott , it is a mild cold , I am not dying! Well, not now at least!" He tried saying but it went unheard by Scott ears , and suddenly, the room he slept in was buzzing with worried people ,  
" do we need to drive him to the hospital? "  
" maybe call an ambulance? !"  
" oh my God, how did that happen? We should have kept that party indoors! "

" GUYS ! SHUT UP! !"

Shouted Stiles with cracking voice, wincing and coughing a little before he caught his breath,

  
" my dad will be here in few hours! He will probably take me back straight to the hospital himself, till then I am not going to drop dead , I promise! "

  
He didn't want to make a scene and ruin this one good last memory, he was going to die at the end of every freaking scenario, so what was rushing to hospital going to change? !  
He looked at Derek who was nervously standing by the door with a deep frown on his face,  
" I swear to God it is not a big deal! But no matter what I say about it being just a small cold you won't believe me! So ...,please, can you just give me the remaining few hours to enjoy being normal before I am rushed back to some stupid ER ? I will lay in bed till my dad come , promise! I won't even go down just ...Derek , just..."

The words got lost when a small sob escaped from Stiles mouth, he sucked a harsh breath then suddenly he was crying so hard that everyone in the room was shocked and scared with the turn of events. This Stiles looked the opposite different from the one they knew, at that moment he looked small , fragile and heart breaking.  
The way his pale face and cracked lips glistened with tears was frankly ...horrifying, to see him break down like this was worse than knowing he wasn't physically alright.

Derek found himself walking to the sick boy's bed and comforting him, promising him to not rush him anywhere and to wait for the sheriff.  
He heard Scott and Erica protest at the background but he kept Isaac around Stiles bed and asked everyone else to join him outside the room where it took him 20 minutes to convince them that it was not that bad and that they would keep a close eye on him , finally despite not being happy with it ,the teenagers gave up.  
The truth was, they didn't have much of an option anyway , not if they didn't want to upset Stiles more .  
It took another hour for the tension to lessen a little bit, during which they gave Stiles his huge mount of medications, a cup of green tee with honey and mint, togather with a light breakfast of jelly and toast . the sick teen was reluctant to eat but he didn't make a big fuss , he finished his food then went back to what looked like a peaceful sleep before he had been tucked in bed, then everyone else felt alright about leaving him and going down stairs.

Derek was the one who kept his calm , unlike the alpha , Scott, who looked like he was sitting on a hot wire all the time . It was one thing to be a son of a nurse and another very different one to know how and what to do in the type of emergency that came with having a sick best friend who has cancer and whom his father trusted you with his life.  
The true alpha kept pacing like an animal trapped in a cage , looking at the clock every few minutes like he was counting seconds. Eventually, Lydia got sick of him and asked him , along with everyone else, to get out the house for sometime to calm the hell down, after all , Stiles was sleeping soundly upstairs and Derek would stay in with him. Hopefully , it was only few hours till the sheriff arrives.

.......................................

An hour or so later , Stiles phone was vibrating anxiously, the teen opened his eyes reluctantly to find his dad calling but the minute he picked the phone in his hand to answer the call had ended.

Stiles texted him first to taste the water but he was relieved to find out that the sheriff still didn't know anything about him having a cold and that he was only generally checking on his health and telling him he would be at the Marten's beach house in few hours.  
Once he finished texting his dad, not telling him most of the truth of course, he found himself laying down and looking to the ceiling with no intention to go back to sleep just yet. The cannula in his nose was not helping much since his nose was already stuffed so breathing was a major effort at the moment.  
He sat in order to reduce the pressure in his chest and the room spin a little before he regained his balance. In a couple of days he would be sitting in a hospital bed and spinning rooms and breathing problems would be his every day life. He was going back on track to be hold 24/7 between four white walls , breathing sickening antiseptic scent and hooked up with the poison that was killing him from inside out for the sake of delaying the inevitable only for a couple more of tortuous months. .

He sat , and stated at the soft patterns on the carpet that covers Lydia's print room while deciding he didn't wanna go back, No , he COULD NOT go back.

His life should end right there and now, with the blue ocean as the last thing to look at and the sound of crashing waves as the the last thing to hear, it will be perfect , fast and painless, and only fair! After every thing he went through, this was his right ! Dad should understand that!.  
He stood up on weak legs and walked to the window, it was a beautiful day , tufted clouds in a clear sky that mirrored the blue of the endless ocean. There, on yesterday's party location, he could see the pack , some sitting and some walking around in circles. He smiled for the window of opportunity presenting itself to him ,their absence was going to give him the privacy to go on with his plan.  
He said his goodbyes to the silver horizon and took one of his pills bottle in hand, deciding that the bathroom will be the perfect spot for not to cause a big mess.  
He staggered in to there and closed the door behind him before he sat on the closed toilet.  
Then he took a deep breath before opening the orange bottle with shaking hands,

  
" that is it ...It is a beautiful day to die today "

  
He thought, then took out a couple of perfectly rounded pills and pushed them in to his mouth. They were too large to be swallowed without water, though and they got stuck in his throat for a while till he forced them down with water from the tape , it made him cough so bad and the pill bottle fell from his already shaking hand, white pills going all over the porcelain floor.  
He went on his knees trying to gather them when Derek's voice came loud and clear from behind the door,  
" hey , Stiles are you you okay in there?! "

The teen panicked and his shaking hands started sweating with nerves , why the hell was Derek here ?! Wasn't he suppose to be with everyone else on the beach?!

" y- yeah..I'm f-fine ,just a m-minute"

" you don't sound fine in there Stiles! I can hear you panting from here! I am coming in!"

" NO !No! Don't. .." Stiles tried but Derek was already pushing the door open, he missed the way the bata's face went pasty white,

" what the hell is going on here Stiles? !"

Derek then leaned down and rose him by his shoulders frantically, his face pale with horror and his eyes darting between the floor covered pills and Stiles tear striken face ,  
" Stiles, Stiles ! What have you done? ! Did you take any of these ?! Answer me! damn it!"  
Stiles only cried harder and tried to push Derek away , one of his hands picking the pills desperately and trying to shove them in his mouth which seemed to make Derek goes crazy , he forced the pills from Stiles hand and held the boy's body to his chest , opening the closed tile and shoving two fingers in Stiles throat till the boy gagged and puked yellow bitter bile with the 2 pills still perfectly rounded , floating slowly on the top of the yellow surface .  
Stiles heaved and gasped , agony flared down his throat and chest while Derek only held him close , curdling him to his own trembling body and breathing as hard as the sick teen ,

  
" how many Stiles? ! Shit , I need to take you to the hospital ! You need to get your stomach pumped "

But Stiles held to the tile firmly and sobbed harder ,  
" just two , I s- swear ! " he gasped and trembled,

  
" please don't make m-me go to the hospital, Derek p-please.."

" but Stiles.."

" Derek ! Derek I b-beg you..just snap my neck now ! Tell my d-dad it was an accident! "  
Derek breath hatched and his throat tightened,  
" what?!"

" I don't. ..I don't want to die in h-hospital please Derek ..please! "

Hazel eyes widened in terror, looking at whiskey browns that flooded with tears and too much pain , Derek didn't know how could Stiles live with all of this,

" oh Stiles .." he spoke the same moment he felt his heart breaking ,

" Stiles , I can't. ." He hugged Stiles tight , letting the human sob in to his neck , his hand weakly clenching Derek's shirt,

  
"D-Derek..."

  
" shhh , Stiles, everything is going to be okay..I got you , I got you"

  
They both cried for two different reasons but despair was the one thing that they had in common .  
.......................................................

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *For their trip to the beach , the pack missed couple days of school, which I don't think it is a big deal since it wa for their DYING FRIEND last chance of having some good time !


	13. The Game changer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything is falling apart..It is the beginning of the end , or is it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * This chapter is the definition of angst, really sad and hard to write..  
> But it still means a lot to me cause again, I am emotionally involved when it comes to this story, so I hope you like it..  
> * the first scene is inspired by the song;  
> " The lonely " by Christina Perri if you want to play it while reading it, I think it will fit, and the song John mentioned in a later scene is "cheek to cheek" by Frank Sinatra. .

"He'd been wrong, there was a light at the end of the tunnel, and it was a flamethrower"

.................

Chapter Thirteen

  
The silver of the shining floor casted a thin light on half of his face , for a second he looked as if he was glowing. His lips drew a soft smile as he bowed elegantly,

" will you dance with me?"

He asked and captured the younger boy's hand before he ever get the permission. .  
But it is not like Stiles actually minded..  
They moved in sync with the mellow tone, gracefully tiptoeing on the smooth porcelain till their souls left this materialistic world in to some private paradise above the clouds where the air was light and refreshing, pumping life in to their lives ..

" but I thought you can't dance?!"

  
Stiles asked amused but he only received a reassuring smile in return. .

He didn't mind..He was happy ...

Derek's arm around his waist was a comfortable weight that grounded him and made him safe, their legs weren't tired despite all the moving .On the rhythm of the soft tone Derek started spinning him and Stiles let out a deep laugh the moment he span back and his face touched the werewolf's warm chest, the smell of Derek's aftershave filled his nose,  
" you lied...you definitely can dance..you are a great dancer" he said at the same moment he turned his eyes up to meet Derek's ..  
But he didn't find him..  
the beta was not there...  
The arm on his waist vanished. At the same moment, The shiny dance floor dimmed . suddenly, Stiles found himself standing there...

Alone...

Well... except for the darkness ..

  
He watched it wrapping him skillfully , enclosing him in a tight ball that when it spoke, he didn't know if it was from inside or outside his head,

"Silly silly little Stiles, falling on his face the moment someone shows him a tiny glimpse of false hope... thinking that pain can be replaced by friendship and happy times and so many other things that wasn't meant to ever be yours , silly boy!" It Said ..

"Stiles , Stiles, Stiles.. I am disappointed. .  
you are a big fat lier , you keep convincing yourself that you hate every thing and every one, while the truth is that you only say that cause no one had ever really cared about you before.. The truth is, little boy, that you are a pathetic puppy, the moment someone gonna throw a bone in your face you would open your mouth enthusiastically to catch it..shame on you ! You bucket of worthless shit ! Guess what ?! You still gonna die ! You still gonna writhe in pain while cancer is eating you from inside out ! You couldn't even kill yourself! Weak and useless, like the exact meaning of failure that you are"

Stiles knew it was true , he bowed his head in shame and will it to please stop..he couldn't take it anymore, it was so much..so freaking much..

" please stop..  
Please s-stop...I am sorry"

The darkness let out an ugly laugh that made Stiles entire body shake,  
"Those people.. you can fool yourself and call them pack ..but they are going to move on with their life the moment you check out , they would live a long and happy life while you rot alone in dirty coffin...few years or maybe weeks , they will forget your name.. you will always be alone Stiles. .always "  
He felt himself being shoved in a tight box... the cover of the coffin being closed on him, suddenly, he was trapped in a dark narrow box like dead people expect. ..He wasn't dead yet.. and he couldn't breath..  
Footsteps echoed as they moved far away from him , they buried him alive without noticing ,

"NO !! Derek...Derek.....dad ..please don't leave me here...Please ..please I don't want to be alone"

" dad ..daddy..no..Derek...Please don't go..Please. .no.."  
..........................................

 

In the badly ventilated Sheriff office, stood a man and werewolf.  
The man looked haggard, struggling with the weight of the universe resting on his shoulders, his face was blank but his fingers were shaking because of too much coffee and not much sleep. He tried to ignore the boy standing in front of him , fiddling with namelss files and papers to make him leave but the kid was as stubborn as a rock , standing there like a cement pillar that wouldn't move,

Sheriff I. .."

" Scott...I really can't. . I can't have this conversation right now. .I already have enough going on in my life " John threw the files he was holding with unnecessary force on the desk and picked some others from the drawer..  
Scott shook his head and swallowed hard , seemingly in loss of words before he finally spoke,  
" I just want to say that I am so sorry, we are all very sorry "

" it is not really your fault" John finally met his eyes,  
"It is all on me , I should have known better. .It is because of me that Stiles deteriorated , and now I could lose him"

  
Scott moved a step back like he was punched,  
" sheriff I know you don't want us to be around him any more but.."

" Scott ...It is honestly more than what I want now..Stiles has pneumonia and he is on vent in the freaking ICU. .believe me I would love to take out my damn frustration on you and pan you from getting anywhere near him, but it is already the hospital policy that only first degree relatives are allowed to see him, so.."  
The words were cold, tired , recited like an old boring tale, but for Scott they still hurt, they still were enough to bore through his heart,

  
"Y- yeah I understand , but maybe when he is better. .when he goes back to his regular room?"  
" even if he pass this Scott ...Stiles would be admitted to psychiatry wards. ."

  
" but.."

  
" Stop Scott. ..It is enough really" John stood up,  
"I appreciate all what you did but that is it, whatever you think you should do , please don't "

" sheriff I really want to help. ."

"And you already had done enough! you already done so much. .and for some odd reason it ended up with my son trying to swallow a bottle of pills to kill himself! !" He hissed the last phrase and the scent of anger and despair engulfed the air,  
" for 4 damn years I worked so freaking hard for him to get better but then I did one mistake, I listened to what the damn psychiatrist said and let him go out the hospital and have friends and have fun ....

And how exactly did that end? By my son getting freaking suicidal again ! If I listened to my insight! If I never let him leave the hospital and made him have that bone marrow transplant he wouldn't be in a damn ICU now , between life and death.."

" I. ."

" thank you Scott ! For every thing , but from now on, I don't want you or your pack near my son "  
The sound of the the door shutting down echoed for few minutes while John stood there with his hand on the knob and his tears rolling on his face..  
..................................

 

Heavy knocking woke Derek from the only sleep he maneged to get in the last few days, he darted up and ran to the door before regestring what the hell was going on , throwing the door open and screaming bloody murder before his brain cleared enough to what was going on in front of his eyes.  
There, 1: 30 in the morning , stood Lydia gasping and clutching her chest like she was fighting to breath , her heart was beating like a racing horse , and the moment his eyes caught hers ,she staggered forward like she couldn't stand up anymore.  
Derek rapid reflexes saved her from falling on her face though, but the moment his hands touched her she gave out another gasp like she forgot how to breath,

" Lydia? ! What ?! What ?!!"

" p-panic ..panic at-t-ak"

  
She said as he lowered her to the ground and coached her through breathing, his own heart beating furiously in his chest before she finally calmed down,  
" hey! are you alright? " he whispered and he felt her nodding against his shoulder before she sat straight and breathed for few moments.,  
" his heart stopped Derek"  
Her voice cracked while she rose her eyes to look at him,  
" Stiles heart stopped for a few minutes and I almost scream ..oh my god I almost scream"  
His eyes widened in shock , and he shook his head,

  
" but he is..He is not.."

  
She shook her head hard and cried ,  
" no ..but I almost screamed.."  
He fought for control, biting his lips till he tasted blood,

  
"But you didn't Lydia ...you didn't ..he is alive.. he is okay.."

" No ! He is not okay !not okay! Derek , he is not okay!"  
................

  
When Stiles heart stopped at the middle of the night and the machine next to his bed started peeping , 3 nurses and a doctor rushed in to his bed and started doing CPR .  
Four and half minutes later they got a pulse but 15 minutes later they decided that Stiles was slipping in to a coma.  
They called his dad who was parking in front of the hospital less than 10 minutes later , rushing to the ICU in a pajama buttons and ratty shirt with a jacket on top.  
Still they only gave him five minutes with his sleeping son, since after all it was the ICU and comatosed patients don't have anything to say, so what was the point from giving their loved ones so much time..

Accordingly, John Stilinski found himself standing at the other side of the heavy door that separated him from his son and that was when he decided that the ICU was the earthy hell in his eyes .  
See, hospital rooms were okay , regular rooms he could do but ICU ..No ..ICU was the devil.  
Behind the tiny glass window in the middle of the door he could see Stiles lying in the middle of countless wires that almost drown his thin body. Unsurprisingly, without his big personality all over the place, Stiles body was quite small and fragile that John felt he would be able to fold him in his shirt pocket and keep him there near his heart forever..If he could, he would tuck his son in a soft blanket like he used to do when he was a baby and never let him go away from under his eyes, holds him to his chest and watches over him all the day and night..  
He wouldn't be sending him to beach trips again, oh no, he wouldn't be leaving him to his own mind, surrounded by a bunch of kids that John was stupid enough to think they would actually going to change Stiles mind or make him wants to live ... That was a naive shit , he had to be smarter than that..  
At least, if he did, Stiles wouldn't be in ICU batteling pneumonia and now in a freaking coma just after he almost swallow a bottle of pills to end his life!  
God ! Was this nightmare ever going to end?!  
Why would it have to be like that?!  
An endless torment of not dying but still getting burnt by death bitter flames as if his son was thrown in a maze with no way to leave, so death was not just an option anymore , no! it was a damn certain fate!  
Because no matter what; Stiles would die!

  
_Stiles would die, because Stiles was already dying!_

  
The cheap plastic cup of coffee in John's hand smelt disgusting all of a sudden, sour and sharp like he imagined death would smell like. It was not even a surprise, he was in the ICU for God's sake! so of course death would foray everything including his cheap tasteless coffee, only if it didn't feel like sign for John ..

A sign to give up..

Because now Death was warning him not to try and cheat since this time Stiles wouldn't make it, so he better be prepared.  
For some odd reason, the releasation was relieving as much as shocking. He felt the anger and the fight inside his heart getting replaced by some sort of tired acceptance. Not the peaceful type of acceptance but acceptance nontheless.  
Stiles would die but Stiles would also rest..  
He wouldn't have to be in a hospital fighting more unfair battels, he would be with his mother dancing over the clouds at this silly song that Claudia loved so much..  
Stiles would have his thick brown hair and his healthy pink cheeks. Stiles wouldn't cry because his bone ache or his distressed breathing , he would eat curly fries and laugh till his belly hurts while he and Claudia eat strawberry and vanilla ice cream.  
Stiles would be happy..and if it was on the expanse of John aimless lonely life then it was not a big deal..  
May be that was supposed to happen long time ago , maybe Stile was not meant to this world and his true place have always been in heaven where his true friends and true joy had always been waiting there for him .If so, John wouldn't be a hatch in his way anymore, he wouldn't stand in the face of death and fight it , this time, if Stiles chose to let go , John would hold his hand ,kiss his forehead and tell him to do so..  
He slidded slowly with his back to the wall, tears washing his pale face and cracked lips, but still he maneged to hum the soft tones of Claudia's favourite song,

  
_"Heaven, I'm in heaven_  
_And my heart beats so that I can hardly speak_  
_And I seem to find the happiness I seek_  
_When were out together dancing cheek to cheek"_

....................

 

It was supposed to be quieter , the ICU, it was supposed to be isolated and quieter but the machines were loud and echoey in the middle of the silence. It was the get on nerves type of loud , irritating and consistent but Derek easily ignored them all the moment his eyes fell on the pale face laying in the middle of the narrow bed, his eyes were closed ,tiny capillaries showing through the thin white lids , his mouth parted where the tube of the ventilator gained access to his thin body and his cheeks were flushed with the high fever that still didn't break.  
Derek walked slowly , tiptoeing between the wires till his hand found the icy fingers under the thin cover, absorbing some of the pain that coursed through the fragile body,  
" hey" he whispered and watched Stiles face for any response but it never came

"I don't know if you can hear me..but ..I had to come ..I had to see you and talk to you. .  
I wasn't sleeping so good so excuse my shitty appearance, you will probably make fun of me for how I look and what I am about to say..but ..okay.. I don't mind..  
Because, see.....I can't stop thinking about you" he hesitated, looking at Stiles again like his words should have been the magical words that woke him up, but there was still nothing, Derek sighed,

"For some stupid reason, I can't get you out of my head and every time I close my eyes I see you sprawled on the floor with white freaking pills around you...  
Now ... Stiles you have to wake up. .you have to get better. .you can't just come out of nowhere and steel my heart like this then simply give up.." he bit his lip and put his head on Stiles chest, hoping to detect a racing heart beat, but Stiles was still deeply slumbered ,  
" come on wake up and make fun of the big bad ass wolf who's being cliché like a teen girl.."  
The world was crul enough to deny him his wish though, Derek was standing there pouring his heart out to clueless sleeping Stiles,  
" Stiles..I know you are meant to die but..I can't. .I don't know if I can survive losing someone else .."  
He looked at Stiles closed eyes and his heart broke a little, he feared that he was too late , and that all he could do was to lean on the silent boy and brush his lips on his forehead,  
" please get better " he whispered , then Derek walked slowly away with a heavy heart and wet eyes..  
.....................

 

"you want to quit? !" Melissa jaw dropped ,  
" you are quitting your job? !"

" Stiles needs me" John shrugged , exhausted and aimless and floundering in his own steps. He didn't want to have this conversation but Melissa was blocking his way to the ICU and he just wanted her to move away,

" yeah..exactly. .how are you going to pay for his medical expenses if you quit your work?!" She hissed but he shrugged again,

" I am selling the house "

  
He tried going around her but she blocked him again ,  
" and where exactly are you going to live then?"

  
He sighed loudly and clenched his fist,  
" A hotel...here ...I don't freaking know niether do I care! All I know now is that my son needs me by his side, it may not even take long so I have to be there for him, now get.out. of. my. way!"

" oh my god ,John! what the hell are you saying?! have you just lost your mind? ! That is crazy! What the hell would you do while hanging around all day? You will only be in the way of the doctors and nurses "

  
He shook his head and pushed her lightly but she didn't waive ,  
" Melissa .." his impatience was apparent now,  
" Melissa..I do respect you as both a friend and a carer of my son , but this is my decision, I already made it and I don't accept the fact that you are fighting me over it"  
She put her hand on his but he rapidly withdrew away like her touch burnt him,

" I care about Stiles too ..." she said desperately but he didn't care at this point,

" but you are not his mother ! His mom died long time ago and he only has me to look after him! I made enough mistakes and now I am trying to fix it..so please, just be his nurse and don't interfere with what is obviously non of your business "

  
She flinched , her face turned pasty,  
" I may not be his mom, but damn me if I don't love him or want what is best for him, John you are destroying both your lives , you are not thinking! "

  
He pushed her hard against the wall this time ,pinning her while their eyes met,  
" leave it to be Melissa! Stay out of my and my son's lives and leave it to be"

  
"It sounds like you already gave up ...John, you are making a huge mistake " she said shaking but he ignored her and walked away,

  
" I don't care ! From now on I will do whatever the hell I want to do! "  
........................................

  
Every thing was not white and bright like people describes waht being in a come should look like..In fact,everything was dim and chilly , hazy and shadowy in a way that no one could be sure about reality and imagination.  
Stiles knew he was laying on bed in ICU though, it was like it was his point of reference , no matter where his mind takes off for some time ,it would always come back to the ICU bed again. At first it was confusing as hell, all of a sudden he would find himself standing on the top of a green hill looking at the water falls and his dad standing beside him and asking him if he likes Iceland, but then when Stiles mind finally goes back to his hospital bed he would feel one of a nurses dropping an extra blanket on him cause he was so cold that he started shivering, so then he would understand the Iceland reference and roll his eyes mentally at his own sense of humour..  
One time he was in a picnic with Derek and he thought he heard the were wolf's voice telling him he misses him, in his mind Stiles was healthy and strong , laying on his side on a pink fabric sheet over the grass with Derek's face few inches from his, they were chatting and laughing and holding hands, Derek's eyes crinkling whenever Stiles called him 'sourwolf'..  
But then the dream would end and once again he would be back in the ICU..  
Still, that was rare..The nice stuff was rare because after all, Stiles brain was not a saint and if it was pretty good in something then it would be torturing Stiles in the most creatively ugly ways.  
Pain was the worse sensation that his brain took the initiative to create a parallel universe to reflect . While he was in physical pain, Stiles would sometimes feel like he was burning in hell or getting whipped till he bleeds, but the top bad of all the sick parallel universes he had to go through, the worset was always; the closed box fantasy, when he would be stuck alone and voiceless in a buried coffin.  
He knew it was his brain weird fascination with death and he also knew that this time he was closer to death than he had ever been.  
And maybe it was the suffocating nightmare but for some odd reason, an alarm bell kept getting louder the longer the certainty of his death made itself clear!

  
_But why?!_

  
Why would he be afraid of something that he lived his whole life fighting for it to happen? !  
Was it because he had no choice in how it was going to happen to him right now? Or was it cause the slower that death approached him the more he understood that death was not the fancy finishing line he was hoping to cross?!  
He tried to move his hand but he was so weak..so so weak that his little finger didn't even twitch and suddenly he was freaking out! Because what if being dead was nothing but more of this! Losing control over his own body ! sticking inside it without being able to open his eyes or scream that he still was in there!! No one would be able to hear him ! They would put him in a closed box alone under the ground and since he would be already dead he wouldn't be able to suffocate when all the air disappear, he would watch the years passing and rolling, his body rotting and decaying but he would still be there , seaping from the worms made bores in his purified viscera forever!  
Bones would get thinner and lighter and soon enough it would be nothing but an empty coffin only he still would be there ..  
Stuck in a box for eternity after eternity till planet earth get hit by a huge meteor and then Stiles would be floating in a big black nothing..  
_Still lost and still alone.._  
Imagine that? ! Wouldn't it be such a damn game changer?!  
What if death turned out to be worse than cancer? Worse than depression? Worse than pain and disappointment? !  
The worst among all the bad things?!  
A soft hand touched his forehead, stealing his mind from coma land to real land , it was the first time he felt a touch in such high defination since he slipped in to this coma thing few days ago,

  
" Are you in pain , sweetie?" A voice reached his ears through the timeless placeless state of mind that he was experiencing at that moment, on the bridge between life of death where nothing physical existed, only shadows and sounds,

  
"Is that a tear? Are you are crying?"

  
The voice sadly questioned but clearly whoever asked wasn't waiting for an answer, just pointing out what was happening.  
Stiles felt his world shift for a second, as if he was emerging from deep water to the surface, but how can people in coma cry? Now, he was feeling the roll of the tears on his cheeks, solid and anchoring to the land of living again ..  
He didn't dare to let his mind sink in the deep pit of haziness that called his name, he just tried too hard to focus on the " wosh" sounds of the ventilator with every atom in his body. He was so scared if he lost this battele , he would cross the bridge to the other side , the one which he wasn't sure he is ready to face anymore!

  
" oh my God!! Jimie please call Dr. Lynch , he is waking up. .Stiles is waking up!"

  
He heard the nurse's voice loud and close, her hand wiping the tears that rolled on his cheek the same moment Stiles tried so hard to blink his eyes open , because now he was fleeting away from the closeness of death for the first time in his life and choosing to fight for his life..  
This time the whiteness and the brightness were overwhelming, his eyes burned and watered but it was the acceptable kind of pain ,  
" _Welcome Back Stiles"_

...................

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More of the aftermath of Stiles suicidal attempt, his cancer and the pack different reactions will be shown in the next chapter  
> ..


	14. Rolling in the deep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Could someone find one good thing in the middle of destruction? Just like when the phoenix rises from it's ash?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God! I worked so hard to post this today because today is a special day for me ,  
> Happy birthday to me :D  
>  As we are approaching the last chapters now I have a declaration about this fiction,  
> It seems that it is strongly leaning towards a sad ending , I am sorry if that is going to make some people upset but I would like to believe that it is about finding inner peace and acceptance rather than just physical survival when it comes to this particular story , so, with that being said I will make sure that Stiles would reach this at least by the end of this story..  
> Now, as I mentioned today is a special day for me so I am not just going to leave you there guys :D , I am offering you a compromise,  
> My new story ' Lost & Found' which I just posted it's first chapter would be carrying more than needed angst and hurt Stiles but hopefully with a happy ending, if you are interested please check it out ;)  
> Now, I leave you to enjoy the new chapter..

"I don't want to see anyone. I lie in the bedroom with the curtains drawn and nothingness washing over me like a sluggish wave. Whatever is happening to me is my own fault. I have done something wrong, something so huge I can't even see it, something that's drowning me. I am inadequate and stupid, without worth. I might as well be dead"  
...................  
Chapter Fourteen 

 

" Derek Hale.." John said tiredly,

" Don't tell me that Scott had sent you to make me change my mind about the pack visiting Stiles thing , if though , please don't waste your time and mine because I already said..."

" Sir " Derek stopped him " I am not here because of Scott or the pack "

" then why are you here?!"

" ummm, business?" 

John arched his eyebrow and smirked,  
" and what kind of business is that ?"

" I will tell you, but can we at least go inside ? " 

John frowned a little but stepped a side , letting the werewolf walks in before following him almost lazily.   
Derek appeared lost and hesitant , his usual aura of self confidence suddenly non existing , he walked in circles for a while before he finally decided to sit down while John watching him from the side of his eye, 

" so business you say?"

" yeah"

John crossed his arms ,   
" I don't have all the day, what kind of business are we talking about here?"

" I saw a 'selling' sign outside the house"

" so?"

" can I ask you why are you selling your house?"

" it is not really your business, Hale..so if you are here just to ask me why I am selling my house then please .."

" well..I want to buy the house" Derek cut him,

" you want to buy my house?!"

" it is on sell ,isn't it? "

John huffed and frowned,   
" it is..but why do YOU wanna buy it , no offence, but it is a big house for a one guy "

" I want be staying here alone, to be honest, I am not sure I would be staying here period "  
The confusion on the former sheriff face morphed in to irritation, then anger,  
" is this a joke for you?!" 

The confusion now colored Derek's face,  
" of course not! I do want to buy your house !"

" why?!"

Derek shrugged,   
" for the pack. ..They are always in my loft and it is not that I mind or anything but it's a small loft and we all need more space"

" you want to buy my house to turn it in to a pack den?"

Derek nodded  
" you well pay all this money just to get them out of your hair?"

Derek smiled , " well...I hope it works"

John huffed and turned his head to the side ; seemingly thinking,   
" If I agree to this , it will take me sometime to gather my and my son's personal belongings "

" of course! You can take all the time that you need , in fact you can put all your and Stiles personal stuff in a room and leave it there as long as you need , you can even keep the key of that room with you"

John blinked ,  
" I can't ask you to do this for me...It is too much"

" sure you can ! Both You and Stiles are pack too you know"

" Derek...This is too much , I mean I appreciate the gesture but .."

" sheriff please..I insist "

John gave a little humourless laugh,  
" I am not the sheriff anymore , but ...Thanks Derek , thank you so much "

The werewolf smiled and nodded,  
"Anytime. . I should be going now"

He stood up and started walking but John's voice stopped him,  
" Melissa told me about you sneaking out of Stiles room, or to be more accurate, his ICU room"

Derek froze,  
" I ...I can explain. ."  
But Stilinski didn't give him the chance,   
" I was angry at first , I clearly told Scott non of the pack are welcome plus it is the ICU , but she insured me that non of the others showed up. ...only you Derek"

" I. ..."

" you what Derek? What can possibly be the cause of your interest in my son ? Are you the pack spy or something? "

Derek eyes widened before he moved them to the floor not to meet the older man's,  
" no ..It is not like that"

" then what is it like, Derek?"

" Stiles ...He is my friend"

" just a friend? "

There was a pause of awkward silence before John spoke,  
" I wasn't born yesterday Derek, and I still has my sheriff skills even if I gave up the job , I can clearly recognise something fishy when I see it "

" sheriff, err , sir it is not ...I didn't mean to give you any wrong impression "

" then what is the 'right impression ' Derek because if you are just planning to have some fun , my son won't be your new toy!"

" what ?! No , no , no sir it not like that I swear!"

" then what is it Hale?! What can possibly makes a twenty something werewolf hang around a hospital room of a terminally ill 17 year old boy !!"

" ....."

" speak Hale! Or god help me.."

" I like him.." Derek finally blurted, his early nervousness making a full come back,

" excuse me?! What does that supposed to mean?"

" exactly what it sounds sir, I ..I like Stiles. ..romantically " he stuttered but hoped the words were strong enough to make sense. He watched as the older man blinked, frowning before he sitting down ever so slowly,   
" is that a jock?" He finally asked calmly, 

"no! I would never jock about something like this"

" you like my son in a romantic way?"

" I do" 

" oh my god!" John shook his head, stood up and stared at him with wide eyes,  
" shit! Holy freaking shit!" He breathed loudly few times before dropping to the couch again like a heavy weight 

" sir..are you okay?!" Derek asked concerned, not understanding the older man's strange reaction, 

" am l okay? No I am not damn okay!"

" Mr. Stilinski. .."

" for all his life ..He knew nothing but pain and sickness and hospitals and when someone like him 'romantically ' he is too sick to even now it let alone enjoy it..damn this life!! God!!" 

Derek heart broke,  
" sir.."

Stilinski shook his head,  
" I don't know what to say to you Derek. .I don't even understand how ? But I will tell you this...my son is dying, if you are gonna hurt him please ..have some decency to get away from him now but if your not ..If you really does like him.. then prepare your heart to get broken when Stiles is ... when he is gone.."

" I know...but maybe ..."

" I would love to tell you that he won't. .god, I wish that more than anything ! But just in case , it won't be fair to you if I don't say anything. .. I love my son so much and I won't be the reason of hurting someone who loves him too"

" then whatever time I have sir , I am welling to get full use of it..Stiles needs to know there are people who care so much about him" 

" you were the one who stopped him from swallowing those pills right? The one who called the ambulance, right?"

Derek nodded , avoiding to meet the other man's eyes,

" I never thanked you , you know, for saving my son's life ...I was so busy freaking out about what happened. .how he deteriorated so fast so sudden , I mean, it was supposed to be a trip to improve his mood, he was supposed to get better , be happier and not the opposite. . I know I was being a jerk with everyone recently but I couldn't just be so understanding when my kid's life was on stake all of a sudden"

" no one can blame you sir, you are afraid of losing him and I ...I do understand fear.. "

John nodded sadly, Derek went on,  
" I am sorry we let him get sick..I am sorry we left him alone enough so his bad thoughts messed up with him, I am sorry he is ...hurt and if I can, I would do anything to go back in time and never allow this to happen..I will do anything I can to make him better"

The older man smiled, sad but warm,  
" Derek.. you don't have to go back in time but you know what?" 

" what sir?"

" Thank you for feeling this way...Thank you for being around for Stiles"

.................

" Allison, I think we should go back" said Lydia for the tenth time in the last hour, something about the utter silence around them felt horribly wrong, just like the calmness before the storm , something made the hair on Lydia's arms stand but Allison wouldn't listen . Both of them had been in the woods since morning looking for Scott who had suddenly disappeared sometime after school the day before.   
Needless to say the rest of the pack had been worried about him but the alpha bond was intact and they knew Scott was upset about Stiles so they gave him space.  
Allison on the other hand was not a werewolf and she couldn't understand the alpha bond the way the wolves did..she was scared. No , she was actually terrified because since what happened in that beach trip , everyone was confused and scared and too keen on making sure that Stiles was okay , but Scott was more than any of this.   
Scott was angry , he was blaming himself and running around in circles like someone who just lost his mind. He had a fight with Derek the other night over the fact that they should try and give Stiles the bite, Derek accused him of being crazy because Stiles was obviously beyond weak but Scott couldn't see the rationale behind it , they almost shred each other if Boyd and Isaac didn't stood up between them.   
Finally, Scott stormed out angry and ran in the woods till down before he went to school, looking like a sleep deprived junkie only to disappear again by the end of the day.  
So, Allison took it upon herself to look for her missing boyfriend dragging Lydia behind, and this is how the two of them found themselves in the middle of woods few minutes before the day light was gone.  
" I think we should at least go back so one of the wolves can come with us"  
Lydia said but Allison kept calling Scott ' name , ignoring her,   
" Allison, it will makes everything worse if we ended up dead in the middle of the woods because you are being stupidly stubborn right now"

" I am a hunter Lydia I can take care of anything trying to hurt us !" Allison snapped in irritation, 

"And you are the one who asked me to come along Lydia, so stop being so freaking drama queen about it!"

Lydia gasped,  
" I don't believe you just said that! I don't believe you called me a drama queen because I wouldn't let you go all by yourself in the middle of the freaking woods looking for your freaking boyfriend who had been giving us tantrums since the stupid beach thing!" Lydia full out shouted in frustration, her face flushed and her hair moving haphazardly with every word she said while the other girl watched her...  
The brunette then let out a deep breath and frowned,   
" I am sorry ..shit..I am being unreasonable am I not? God ! It is just I am so worried about him Lyds, I never saw him so angry and desperate before " 

Lydia forced herself to calm down and nodded,   
" I know..It is just ..Someone need to be calm , we all are frustrated about Stiles , god knows I have nightmares about him , Allison I almost screamed! Do you think I could've been able to forgive myself if I screamed his death! Can't you see how everyone else is acting? We are all shaken up to the core but that doesn't mean we stop sleeping and ran around to the woods all night like insane people! Especially not the alpha! The alpha should carry the responsibility of keeping everyone in this pack grounded!"

" Lydia ..Scott doesn't know how to be calm ! Not everyone has the ability to be wise and maintained when thier sick best friend tries to kill himself under their watch"

" well..He has to! Acting like this is not helping Stiles ,Allison! It is only giving our enemies a golden chance to rip off our heads, and I am not...."

" shhhhh!"

" don't you dare shhhh me !"

" shut up Lydia , I heard something " she yelled, effectively shutting Lydia who quickly moved behind the hunter while the burnnete started taking out an arrow by one hand while holding her bow high in the direction of sound she heard by the other hand, only that , she never had a chance to shoot when a big but humenoid creature jumped on them.  
Lydia screamed her terrified non banshee loudest scream , the blood in her veins turning icy cold , she watched in horror as the ugly monster started dragging Allison who was still on silent on her back , her cross bow flying to the opposite direction, for a second it looked like the creature was winning, Allison knocked out cold and dragged away like a doll, while Lydia watching them disappearing behind the trees, but then something snapped in Lydia's head and she started moving , gripping Allison's arms and pulling her away only to get pulled herself , she tasted dirt when her face touched the ground, the sharp twigs and tiny rocks slicing her cheeks and her bare knees , but stubbornly enough she didn't let Allison's arm who was now probed between Lydia and the monster like a tense string .  
Everything turned in to a blur for a moment, Lydia muffled screams and the horrible pain in her limbs, the way the adrenaline rush was starting to fade in to panic the more the creature dragged them in the depth of the woods and the lack of noise that should be coming from Allison , a voice in the back of Lydia's head wondered if a banchee would br screaming when her own death comes and whether the rest of the pack will find their shredded bodies or this creature was going to eat every little bit of them? Her tears tasted bitter and mixed with blood but just before she give up to all the dark thoughts that were swallowing her reality, a loud angry wolf's howl pierced the air .  
Everything happened so fast, one minute tree leaves and dirt were stuffing in her mouth and the next she was yanked forcefully and howled on someone's back . She remembered screaming Allison's name so many times till her throat was dry but she must passed out at some point because the next time she woke up she was laying on a metal board with Erica , Boyd and Isaac staring at her as if they were waiting for her to wake up any moment,  
" Thanks God!" Sighed Erica " I told you she would be okay"

" Deaton said that first " Isaac said impatiently but still gave Lydia a sweet smile ,  
" hey..are you alright? "

She blinked few times , not sensing any pain except a small headache and a little burn on top of her right brow,

" I think 'm fine" she blinked again then remembered,   
" Allison!" She darted sitting and wincing when another burning feeling crossed her right cheek ,

" she is okay.. calm down a little ,we don't want you to drive yourself in to another panic attack" Erica said while pushing the strawberry blond in to the board again,

" panic attack?!" 

" yeah ... Scott heard your screaming and he killed the wendigo, carried you and Allison here to Deaton's after you freaked out and manged to knock yourself out from panic"

Lydia looked at them unbelieving then covered her face by both her hands , feeling the butterfly bandages that were covering the entire right side of her face,  
" oh my god. .." she whispered , feeling overwhelmed and on the prank of crying,   
" where is Allison?"

" she hit her head and she was little disorientated when she woke up, so Deaton and Scott took her to the hospital for a head CT" Erica said then crossed her arms ,  
" what were you both thinking of when you went to the woods ALONE after the sunset?! You know it is not safe! You know you could have been DIED if Scott didn't hear you screaming?!"

" well , Scott was the reason we were out there in the first place!" Lydia snapped, feeling the tears gathering in her eyes,  
" he disappeared! and Allison was about to go crazy if she didn't make sure he was okay!"

" but we told her the alpha bond was okay!" 

" it was not enough! She is not a werewolf , she can't understand this bond thing! She felt so worried! So what was I supposed to say to my best friend who her boyfriend have been acting like an insane person since Stiles did what he did!"

Erica huffed loudly, she shook her head and opened her mouth to say something when the door pushed open and Deaton came in,

" Miss Martin , nice to see you up and doing better" he said calmly and sat at his desk, either not noticing the tension in the room or intetionly ignoring it,  
" Miss Argen has a small concussion, they will keep her tonight for observation and Scoot will be staying with her"

Lydia moved away from the board , walking to sit across the vet,  
" they will let him spent the night?!"

" He convinced his mom somehow, I guess she only agreed because she knows how much he is shaken up about Stiles already , so she didn't want to add to his stress "

 

" you know what happened with Stiles?" Asked Isaac frowning , 

" it is too hard to miss it when your alpha was driving himself crazy and turning my library upside down for the last two days in a attempt to find something to cure him" he said ever so calmly while the eyes of the three wolves and the banchee in the room went wide,  
" Scott was here since the last day?!"  
" did he found something? "  
" why didn't he tell us?"   
" I don't freaking believe him!"  
The Four of them spoke togather , anger and confusion lacing their voices .

Deaton hushed them and sighed tiredly,   
" calm down young people, please , I already had a hell of a day.."

" well, Allison is in the hospital and my face is mutilated because of him!" Screamed Lydia ,  
" don't you think I want to help Stiles?! Don't you think I would do anything to cure him too! So, who give Scott the damn right to exclude us from finding a way to help Stiles?! Who give him the right to make us having a spazz attack over his sudden disappearance!"

" Miss Marten.." 

" don't you 'miss marten' me, I thought my best friend and I were going to die today!"

" Lydia!" Deaton raised his voice , effectively taking them all by surprise , Lydia's tears were flooding freely burning the slightly open cuts and wounds on her cheek and chain,  
" Lydia, imagine that it is Allison who is lying in the ICU dying while we talk"  
She turned her face to the side not facing the older man , her heart suddenly aching rather than beating furiously, but Deaton went on,  
" it is not so easy when supposedly fearless true alpha feel hopeless because his best friend is dying and he can't do anything about it. .. I know Scott has been irrational in the past few days, and I know he is hurting not only himself but all of you in the process...but I also can recognise despair when I see it"

Erica moved close to Boyd, leaning on his chest while Isaac took Lydia's hand and squeezed it gently,

" He is your alpha, you have to be patient and allow him to grieve..All of you are grieving Stiles dying in front of your eyes in your own pace, some can stay calm" he looked at Boyd who smiled sadly ,  
" some are crying in secert" he gave Erica and Isaac a nod,  
" some have panic attacks"   
Lydia refused to meet his eyes,  
" and some like Scott running around themselves in circles, looking for anything and everything to save his friend"..

They sat in silence while the vet stood up and gathered some extra bandages he used to fix Lydia's face, a state of tension filled the air , a question burning on the tip of the teens tongue till Erica finally spoke,

" so..what happened then? did Scott find anything that can help Stiles?" 

Deaton let out a deep breath ,  
" nothing till now..magic can only do so much and terminal human illnesses are red lines that sadly enough can't be crossed..I am afraid that if Stiles fate was to die at 17 , nothing we can do can stop it from happening "

" what about the Nemeton? " whispered Lydia hesitant, her voice quivered a little bit,  
" magic..." she said but Deaton shook his head immediately,   
" you mean black magic...It is never good thing ms. Martin even if it keeps Stiles alive he would be filled with darkness and sorrow...He won't be the same person"

" so what should we do then?!" Erica wondered,  
" till we find something to help him if there is anything at all , what are we supposed to do? "

Deaton didn't answer immediately, the question was a call for help from anguish and guilt ridden souls but the vet was only a human , there was no one perfect answer ,no cure for someone to get over such a huge life tragedy, so the man shrugged and left the silence suspended in the air, making the teens eyes blur with hopeless tears,  
" just be there. ..be his friends" he finally said then walked away the room leaving them to gather the pieces of their broken souls.   
........................ 

" hey sweetie " Melissa gently patted her sleeping son's arm till his eyes flattered opening,   
" mom..wha'? "

" you fill asleep. ..maybe you should go home now to get some rest , you barely slept in the last weeks"

" m' fine" Scott said, sighing a little and stretching his back ,  
" plus, I promised Allison I won't leave her side"

" she is sleeping soundly Scott, and I doubt she would mind you having some proper rest in a comfortable bed"

Scott shrugged but he didn't move , he took Allison's hand in his and watched her chest rising softly with each breath,   
" it is my fault she is hurt"

Melissa huffed ,  
" no it is not ! You can't blame yourself when anyone get hurt Scott! You are going to kill yourself this way ! "

" I am the alpha..." 

" AND YOU ARE ALSO A KID! You are also a kid, Scott" 

She sat down at Allison's feet, taking Scott face in her hands  
" you are doing more than you can do to save everyone Sweetie, but sometimes you can't save them all , and that is okay, baby, it is not your fault"

" mom ..I ..." 

He sniffed and bit his lip ,  
" mom , I tried..I swear but I can't find any way to save him ..."

" shhhhh..It is okay " she wiped out his tears ,  
" it is okay sweetie"

" no mom..." he said in broken voice,  
" before ..when we were 13 , I was weak and useless but now...I am a freaking werewolf but I still can't save him...whatever I become I won't be ever able to save him.."

" my sweet boy..It is okay.."

" why mom ?! Why do I always have to stand at the corner and watch my best friend fading away ? Why I can't make him better?!"  
She leaned forward and hugged him to her chest , smoothing his messed up hair while her own heart was breaking and her own tears were blurring her eyes,  
" it is what it is, sweetie.. you can't always choose the way things happen but you can certainly make them happen in the best way they could possibly do "

" what is that supposed to mean?!" He whispered while she blinked away the tears,

" be brave Scott.. be strong..Everyone else needs you to be their rock ..to ground them , I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow but whatever that is, I have nothing but faith to face it and you should have that ,too... God has a reason for everything that happens, we might not always know it but it is there nonetheless.. It is Stiles battle. .We are all just viewers .. and at this point we can only be there for him , that and to pray "

" pray?"

" yeah..pray for him to find his strength and his peace and pray for his dad to find patience and acceptance"

" but what if it didn't work? ! What if he still died?!"

" Scott, sweetheart, praying don't change our destiny, but it gives us the power to face it"

.......................................

He felt stuck.   
Everything was pale and washed out, grey lines blending togather to form shapes and dimensions. Even his dad's smile went unnoticed by his unfocused eyes, another meaningless detail on top of piles of meaningless details that was his life. He could try and convince himself that he is better , that he is a fighter, but his soul was too weary too agree.  
He was sick and weak but the worse thing was that he couldn't find a reason to do anything anymore, he didn't care if he lived or to died , everything was nothing , he didn't care anymore if he stayed in this thin hospital bed forever, if he stared at the White ceiling forever, at this point he was not angry or sad, he was just numb.  
Stiles didn't know why his existence or lack of mattered to anyone? He didn't understand caring about anything anymore, his world was nothing but echoes of voices of people who he tried to ignore all the time , gentle touches that didn't break in to his lonely cold world despite their warmth, a blur of white coats and scrubs lingering at the edges of his vision like shadows. And a certain face with hazel eyes that only came at night, looking at him like he was the sun after a rainy day and making him feel like he was real.  
But Stiles never spoke..  
Not until the leather jacket cladded guy came to his room one day and gushed about how much he care about him , how much of a great person Stiles was and how apparently the man with thick eyebrows and bunny teeth was falling for him.  
The words made Stiles shiver, shock and heartache coursed through his veins replacing the numbness and the surrender that previously occupied his soul and mind.  
Stiles blinked and frowned at him , like a fish choking in air, he felt overwhelmed with confusion and uncertainty, so much of confusion that it hurt! physically hurt ! Just like a nerve ending touching a hundred thousand watt of electrical currant.   
" why?" The sick boy whispered , his throat raw and his voice hoarse from disuse.  
Derek eyes widened in surprise, he was talking almost to himself, he almost forgot that Stiles was there and he was capable of hearing him,  
" Stiles..." he smiled and squeezed the younger boy's hand gently, his face sparking with emotions,  
" Stiles.hey...I missed you..I missed hearing your voice" 

" why?" The boy repeated,   
" why?" 

" why what, Stiles ? Why I missed your voice? Because it had been almost 3 weeks since I heard it , because you didn't talk to anyone since they took you off the ventilator and transfered you to a regular room..Stiles..I was so afraid I would never going to hear your voice again" the werewolf's eye shined , even when he tilted his face , Stiles saw the tiny tear that ran over his right cheek.  
Derek was crying. 

" stop.." said Stiles,  
" I don't get it... why would you say these stuff? Why are you here? You barely know me"  
" I know you enough Stiles.." Derek sniffed and smiled " I could see through your outer covers how much of a great person..." 

" No! " Stiles cut him,  
" No you don't ! I don't understand why are here ? What do you want from me?!"

" Stiles..I. .I love you " 

There was a beat of heavy silence, Stiles feeling of being overwhelmed doubled , he didn't know if his brain was doing tricks on him or he was hallucinating, because Derek couldn't just be that cruel, he couldn't make fun of him like this , he couldn't break his heart like this,  
" get out of here! " he hissed, his confusion morphing in to something bitter and painful,

" but Stiles.."

" go Derek ! Get the hell out of here ! I don't want to see you again! I..I hate you!"   
The werewolf swallowed few times but obayed , walking away slowly like his legs didn't want to carry him, and when he finally disappeared out the window curtains, Stiles felt a mountain was compressing on his chest, so many tears fought to leave his burning eyes just like the dam that was holding everything had been suddenly broken, it was one hundred times worse than death or numbness , it was like dying every second but never finding that last peace. .  
For the first time in his life, Stiles Stilinski knew the meaning of heartbreak. .  
........................  
" Sheriff, please have a seat"

Dr Lynch said, his face was blank behind his thick framed glasses and his posture was unusually stiff.  
John Stilinski didn't like what he saw, he thought that when the doctor asked to see him in his office after giving the permission of Stiles being transferred from the ICU in to his old room that there was supposed to be some good news, or at least an update on Stiles schedule of treatment and resuming his chemo cycles , but the doctor was giving a thick wave of wrong vibes that the exhausted father didn't know what to make out of it , his hands shook lightly as he wiped the sweat out of them on the side of his jeans before taking a seat across the physician,   
" I ..quit my job. .I am not the Sheriff anymore. ..just call me John please"

The doctor nodded,  
" sure" he gave a polite smile  
" now, John... lets get directly to the point" he tried to master all the professionalism he could manege,  
"I think we seriously need to consider stopping Stiles chemotherapy at this point"  
The last word echoed in the following silence, the doctor kept his indifference expression tightly plastered to his face but the former sheriff couldn't , his eyes darted and his mouth opened in shock like he was just been slapped or receiving a punch in the stomach.  
His blood rushed to his ear making him think that he misheard what the doctor said,  
" excuse me?"

" I am sorry ..I hate to say this, John but right now I think this is the best for Stiles" 

" ' the best for Stiles'?! you can't be freaking serious! " 

" John, you have to understand that Stiles is too weak to start another cycle of treatment .. His heart stopped and he went in to coma because of the anemia togather with his already weak cardiac muscle, unfortunately, his blood cell counts are too low at the moment and the drugs that supposed to stimulate his bone marrow are not working, he is totally depending on transfusion of blood elements to keep him alive and that means that it is too dangerous to start another cycle chemo now" 

" but ...but..without chemo , he would never have a chance of remission"

" sheriff, um, John, I am so sorry....but right now Stiles won't be able to achieve remission anymore, the last scan showed that the cancerous cells are wide spread in his body.. In addition to the the severe depression that Stiles currently going through, it looks to me that he deserves some rest, John , so, right now, I see we try and keep him comfortable as much as we can, I already upped the dose of morphine to make sure he is not in any pain, and I would like to assign him a special nurse for palliative care if you want to take him home even though I don't recommend he leaves the hospital "

Dr Lynch took off his glasses and pinched his nose bridge, looking exhausted and sad with every word he spoke, it was obvious that he truly cared about his patients and delivering this words was taking so much of him as well but John didn't notice nither did he cared, all what he was able to think about was the few words that sounded like a death sentence to his own soul,  
' Stiles can't achieve remission anymore. .'  
' can't achieve remission anymore. .'  
' can't. .'.....'CAN'T.. "

The words piercied deep in to his heart even though he made sure to prepare himself for this moment long time ago. He had pictured himself in a doctor office, in a waiting room or even beside Stiles bed holding his hand hearing them, in his mind he heard the same words being said in different ways from ten different doctor, he imagined the way his world was going to crumble and full apart , how he would gush on crying , holding Stiles to his chest and wheaping , or maybe even feeling relieved, appreciating how his little kid wouldn't have to be in so much pain anymore, joining his mom in somewhere warm and peaceful.  
But right now , he didn't feel niether feeling, the world slowed down in to almost a boring pace, the words that the doctor just spoke hanged heavy in the air ,refusing to sink in as if his ears suddenly blocked such offending words from passing through them, no matter how much he had mentally prepared he wasn't ready, everything was surreal like what happens in a horrible nightmare just before you wake up,  
" you are... you are telling me you are .. you are..letting my son die?! What the hell. .."

Dr Lynch shook his head,  
" John...  
I am so sorry ..but there is nothing we can do more for Stiles"


	15. Beautiful loser

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The journey to the end is just the beginning. .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Hey guys! Long time no see :)  
> I have missed updating this story but I am back now! I hope you all enjoyed your holidays and happy new year :)  
> *this chapter sad..But in good way I guess, I hope you enjoy it ..

"He'd lived so long in anticipation of his own death that to contemplate his future was like standing at the edge of a cliff, staring into a vertiginous rush of open sky."

.............................

Chapter fifteen 

 

There something beautiful about losing. .  
People can spend their whole life fighting the wrong battels and only when they lose , the dark clouds that used to obscure their eyes start to disappear and they notice a whole world that they had never seen before. ...  
With the new free time, they start to notice the pretty small details of awesomeness in this world as if they had been blessed with brand new eyes all of a sudden , pain become tolerable once they made peace with it being temporary, like a lot of other things, they become more tolerating in general , they may even start to comfort others who are going to lose them because wisdom seems to come easy to those whom their minds upscale this earthy world ..

Ironic?!  
Well, It is just what happens sometimes...  
For Stiles, he had been waiting for his death all his life , it was the only option he had when it came to his future , something safe and familiar despite all his worries about what death really means and what would happpen to him after he dies...All of theses thoughts albeit depressing for a 17 year old kid , was everything that he had to ever think about.  
But then, the night doctor Lynch and his dad told him that they would be stopping the chemo cause it was not working anymore, and that Stiles life expectancy was roughly a matter of weeks now, that night was when Stiles curled on his side under covers and lay down in his hospital bed thinking about living all of a sudden.  
Stiles wouldn't say that he was shocked about his condition hitting terminal now, he wasn't angry or sad , he was not even scared, see, how he had long time to get over all the emotions that normal people associate with dying..  
In Stiles case, he had spent too much thinking of dying that the thought of living is the thing that took him by surprise. .  
How, the hell, his life would differ if the doctor had told him he was cured instead of the exact opposite?  
What kind of a person he would grow up to be?  
He thinks about his dad's happy tears and tight hug, the long journey of recovery that would carry a lot of pain and efforts but he would be rewarded with a healthy body again by it's end.. thick brown locks of hair, strong muscles and bright skin instead of his pale zumbi like complex..  
He would leave the hospital and go back home, to his own bed and his own couch, just a normal teenager whom his biggest problem is his school grades or whether the person he has a crush on likes him back...  
He would study so freaking hard to graduate high school with kids his age then , he thinks that he would want to study criminology and forensics , or maybe join the FBI, he would probably be so smart that his professors would allow him to graduate early ,just to get rid of his sour personality ..Then,Stiles would come to be the best in his job , someone akin to James bond or Sharlock Holmes, depending, but for that of course he will be loaded with so much money and he would has no problem buying a breathtaking car , oh , and a beach house, too, cosy but elegant , for him to spend few days there between jobs, even if it was winter and the water is freezing, Stiles would go there with the pack all his free time, cause he loves the beach, so why the hell not? 

He might even end up having a family. .. or a pack.. whatever!  
If he could , he would love to have his own flesh and blood family, but that ship had long sailed already, So.. a bunch of slightly over sweaty teenagers who have a weird fascination with puppy piles and no sense of privacy won't be so bad to hang around. .  
And then of course. ...  
... there is Derek...  
In his perfect world , Stiles will have Derek as more than a friend because In his head , Stiles heard Derek saying the exact same words he said few days ago but this time he really meant it..  
In his Utopia, Derek would be nice to him and hold him because he loves him and not because he feels sorry for him . The were wolf wouldn't be a far dream that Stiles can only think about because anything else, in his reality, would be so cruel and so freaking unfair.  
Stiles knew he won't live and this is why he allowes himself to paint coloured dreams about some other parallel unevirse, for the first time, without feeling guilty about it..  
He allowes himself to feel the high that comes with the happy thoughts but he still drows a thick line of caution that one knows it couldn't be crossed when it comes to silly dreams.  
But then it feels like the first drop of rain after years of privation, and his desert dry soul comes to life beneath the falling drops. The human mind is the most perplexing thing in the world, isn't? It finds condolences in the middle of despair and create hope out of dust, even if that hope is just imaginary like a fiarytale.  
It was a Friday when Stiles asked the nurse what day was it for the first time in months because he felt that the day he fell in love with the sun rays deserves to be documented.  
It is kind of clichés, he thought, the dying kid who loves sun warmth and night stars and stay awake all night to see the sun rise , he would probably sound like a girl that wanted to have her last dance just before she flat lines at the end of a teenage cheesy movie, but cold was something that Stiles had struggled with since his first day of being sick so he just couldn't get enough of the warm yellow glow when it bathed his bed that late afternoon, even though it probably wasn't the first time sun rays hugged his white thin hospital bed, but it was the first time he noticed.  
And so while he was laying there in the middle of the perfect patch of orange rays ,Stiles had the peace of mind that pushed him to think about stuff he had long to ignore ,for example, he found himself thinking about his dad ..  
Life wasn't fair to John Stilistiki, was it?  
The man appears tough as a rock on the outside but only Stiles knows how he had been dying slowly in the inside. Milking false hopes till he ended up losing everything.. Now, Stiles was not an angle and he knew his dad was not one, too. He knew that this man had suspended his son's life on a hook of painful treatments and horrible side effects just because he couldn't bare to lose the only family he had. Stiles knew that as much as his dad fought for him, he did it for all the selfish reasons in this life,too.. as his sickness advanced and became unbreable, Stiles had repeatedly asked his dad to let him go , but his father never listened .. Even after crossing the point of no return, when living was one hundred present impossible to Stiles and he shouted that loud and clear , his father did not listen!  
And god! Stiles had been angry for so long time now, but , for the same reason, he was so damn sorry!  
He didn't chose to be sick all his life but that doesnt change the fact that he he was the reason that his parent's lives had been destroyed forever.  
His dad didn't leave him when he got sick, he did not give up on him , instead he stayed by his bed , wiped his tears , made him happy promises , he held him both lettarly and metaphorically. .  
The man gave up his job and his house for his lost cause of a son and he still believed in him and he will still do till the doomed boy let out his last breath..  
That what hurt Stiles the most !  
He knows his dad put a very heavy load on his shoulder and he knows it was impossible to fulfil such a wish, and for that He has to live on daily basis with the chronic sense of being a disappointment to the only person who ever cared about him..Add that to the fact that Stiles would be leaving his dad alone for his troubled mind to choke him with sarrow..  
Stiles maight feel angry and act indifferent but in his heart, he knows he loves his dad so much and the idea of his dad falling apart when he was gone was gutting him from inside out. He thought about how even his dad and Melissa don't seem to get along anymore, which means his dad would end up without even one of his closest friends beside him..  
There is something insightful about losing, and for Stiles , it was the sudden protectiveness that warmed his heart towards his dad and his decision that it was his turn to try and save him..  
.................................  
Derek knew that Mr. Stilistiki had been sitting in the closed garage of his old house all the evening.  
Erica told him that they offered him some lunch and something to drink , since the wolves had been living in that house now, but the older man had politely refused and asked to be left in his world of thoughts alone with a promise to leave soon..  
And it is not that Derek wanted him to leave or anything, but the beta was worried, so worried that the man may do something to harm himself now that his hope in his son's survival had been squashed and broke in to small and tiny pieces.  
He entered the dusty garage with a tiny cough to alert the man who seemed to have his mind somewhere else.  
The garage was dimly lit with the faint sun rays that escaped from under the loosely closed door, it reflected on John's face exaggerating the wrinkles on his face or maybe the man just aged ten years in few days if his weary eyes and his hunched posture was anything to judge based on. He followed Derek with his eyes but he didn't speak at first, he frowned and looked at the ceiling as if something was written there that would be the solution to all his problems, and for Derek, it looked worse than finding him sobbing or breaking stuff in the haze of anger. 

" did you tell Stiles how you feel about him?" John said still looking upwards , his voice little hoarse from disuse.  
Derek was taken by the question a little bit , but he still manged to nod then sigh, disappointment covering his face,  
" he was so angry with me and through me out his room .... I think he thought I was making fun of him or acting sorry or whatever. .." 

" of course he did.." John pursed his lips then put his face between his hands,  
" he never makes anything easy.."

Derek shook his head then sat down with his back little straighter  
" Mr. Stilistiki, I ...I am truly sorry about ..."

 

" Don't Hale" the older man cut him , his voice calm but laced with pain,  
" I don't want to hear more apologies ..I am sick of it"

Derek immediately shut up because he could definitely relate...He had lost people before and he knows what it feels to be fed with bullshit that won't change anything. He thought about telling the troubled man what it will really be after he loses his son, because even if Derek hadn't lose a child of his own he still lost so many family members to be familiar with the burn of grief, he could say that Stilistiki would never stop missing Stiles, would never feel complete again or truly happy , and that his tears will get far away but never less bitter.. He wished he could lie and tell him he would ever get over it but he just couldn't have enough heart to make promises that he knows it will never be fulfilled, so instead of all these, he settled for some of the only truth he knows,  
" you get used to living damaged " he had said and sat beside the heartbroken father in silence, allowing the thick cloud of sadness to surround both of them.  
Stilistiki sighed but relaxed a little , out of believe or exhaustion , Derek was not sure , but at least the older man looked him in the eye when he spoke next,  
" you should try and talk to him again ,or maybe do more than just talking, my son is stubborn, you need to prove it to him you are being sincere"

" I don't know what to do? I mean , I don't know what is he thinking about most of the time? It is sorta funny right? You must think I am a bluff , saying that I love your son when I don't really know him for real"

" I don't think you are a bluff.."  
Stilistiki shrugged,  
" I am , well, I used to be a man of law, and I trust my instincts enough to know you are not playing around, or are you Derek? " 

Derek stumbled in his seat, he could squash the human by one hand but something about the parental tone always made him nervous like a school boy,  
"No! I would never jock about this , I honest to god , have feelings for Stiles" 

Stilistiki nodded,  
" Good, cause my son is dying you know?"  
Derek looked at his foot, because yeah, he did know,  
" I am aware of it...to be honest with you I tell myself this every morning because I surly has enough grief in my past to add more...but ..." he blushed a little , " Stiles is interesting person..strong yet vulnerable, stubborn but kind and loyal, so smart and proud ... he is kinda like a catcus that forced by the desert to be tough and covered with thorns when its inside is cool and soft...  
I know you are Stiles dad and I shouldn't be saying that to you but...I can't stop thinking about the way his eyes were shining that night I shaved his head at 2 in the morning, it was like he was another person, sweet and beautiful in his true element without all the covers that he hides beneath all the time, and I think that when I fell for him ,and I ...umm. "  
Derek stopped mid sentence, remembering that this was Stiles dad that he was talking to, he blushed and looked at his foot nervously but the older man didn't seem to mind hearing about the crush that an older werewolf seems to have on his son,

" so it was you who shaved his head and not Scott?" The older man gave a pale smile while Derek's gave a tentative one,  
" I didn't know werewolves were so romantic? " he said making Derek's blush deepen even more than it was possible, andd it would have been a warm conversation between 2 men who both care so much about the same person if the scent of bitterness was not so profound, the short living joy in their hearts turning into guilt few moments later. The evening light was slowly fading in to darkness, and the air shifted in to a cold breeze that made their bones chill and like everything recently, control seemed to be slipping away from their hands as the sun started sitting despite their many supplications for it to slow down and not to take another day of Stiles short time on earth. Derek tried to push away his sudden urgent need to ask the older man about his wellbeing, the itch on the back in his throat that insisted on making sure that the man in front of him wouldn't walk out of this garage and go somewhere else where he can hurt himself ,

" sir, can I ask you something that I am sure that you tired of being asked all the time? It is just I have to know for real even if sounds stupid to ask..but....Are you okay? "  
John sighed , shook his head then leaned it back against the wall,  
" honestly Derek ....I don't freaking know.."  
There was a pause ,  
" I tried to remember how did I mourned my wife after she died, but then it occurred to me that I kept putting my grief on hold cause Stiles was sick at the time and he needed me to take care of him... He never really stopped needing that , or so that what I thought anyway, and, honestly, I was glad with the distraction. ..but ,now though, I am terrified that when Stiles will go , I won't be just mourning my son but it will be both my son and my wife"  
Derek politely kept looking at his feet when he smelled the salty scent of tears filling the air, he didn't want to speak because whatever the words that he says , they wouldn't be meaningful. .Things aren’t all so tangible and sayable as people  
would usually have us believe; most experiences are unsayable, they happen in a space that no word has ever entered, and it wouldn't be fair to take down their value even with attempt of condolences.  
The former sheriff seemed to appreciate the lack of words from Derek, he just wanted to talk , to allow the words that kept wondering in his mind all day to finally see the light,  
" In my life, I long lost the concepts of right and wrong, because if I kept on believing in them, I would probably had lost my mind long time ago.. Can you tell me what the hell is right about my whole family suffering and dying in front of my eyes?! Let me tell you son, there is nothing right! Nothing at all..so ,I don't really care about doing the right thing anymore, all I want at this moment is to get rid of this huge pit of dread in my stomach, and the worse thing that this is just the beginning. .It is not even how I really be feeling when the reality of what is happening sinks in my mind...  
Honestly, I am just terrified right now.. you say I will learn to live damaged but I am afraid I am already damaged and when my son is gone I will be pulling around the corpse that is barely human anymore"

" Mr. Stilistiki. ."

" I tell you what Derek...A father should not ,under any circumstances, be the one who buries his own child..This is just not normal, human beings don't have the range of emotions to deal with it , it is not something that we meant to do! So , I don't know! Am I alright? ! I don't freaking know! And all I can think about now is how not to think about it cause I don't even know how am I supposed to think about it.."  
Stilistiki sobbed while breaking down like glass, anxiety was so thick in the air that Derek thought he was going to suffocate , he slowly placed his hand on the older man's shoulder and pressed in a subtle act of support, feeling incompetent to be the one who can make this man feels better,  
" I am sorry..." he finally said , wishing for the hundredth time that he had more than apologies to offer when it came to Stiles ,  
" why don't you try and think about something else then , just like you said , at least till you can figure it out ..Mr. Stilinski , I promise, you will figure it out "  
" " yeah..yeah. ." The man said mostly to himself, trying to gather any traces of self control , he took a deep breath then gave Derek a weak smile, but a smile nontheless,

 

" Tell you what" he said forcing his blood shot eyes in to stopping their flood of tears, wiping his face and taking a deep breath, 

"Stiles 18th birthday is next week. ..  
Always thought I would get him something big for that, something special "

Derek looked at him with a hint of hope in his eyes ,  
" can I help?" 

" Depends..." the older man said as he stood up and walked to where a dirty fabric cover was sprawled over something underneath, he pulled it off revealing an ancient jeep that Derek would've guess that it's colour was something between white and blue if it wasn't covered by layers of brown dust,  
" are you any good with cars, Hale? "  
Stilistiki asked,  
" I promised my son few months ago to teach him how to drive , so at least I can try and keep up that one promise "  
...............

"I had promised you something and I want, for once, to keep my word"  
Said John Stilinski with a tired yet a genuine smile, his eyes twinkling with a glimpse of barely containrd excitement,  
" I am taking you somewhere" he said , watching Stiles face frown in confusion after he woke him up , a quick glance at the clock revealed it was 6: 30 in the morning, an hour that Stiles never remembered being awake at since ages

" It is too damn early dad , what? I don't understand .....hey , what are you doing?!" He questioned the strong hands of his father, disconnecting the machines and removing the wires before picking him up then gently resting him on a wheelchair that suddenly appeared out of nowhere  
" wait now" the older man insisted,  
" you are going to love this!!"

" but ..dad ! Dad... what are you doing? "

" I am sneaking you out "

" WHAT? !! Holyshit!! Dad?! are you possessed?"

"Shhhhh..The nurses gonna hear..keep your voice down "

" but..?!"

" calm down for a second kiddo, if we got caught, they are going to throw me out" 

The older man tightened Stiles jacket around his son's thin shoulders ,adjusted his bennie , and secured a paper mask around his nose and mouth , he opened the room's door slowly and glanced for anyone that might see them , then when he was sure no nurses or doctors were around ,he pushed the chair as fast as he can ,pausing before taking turns till they made it to the elevator.  
Stiles eyes were wide and open the whole time , his heart thudding with the unusual sense that suddenly took over him ,  
He felt his rebellion bleeds into excitement that made his fingers tremble ,and for once it was not because he was cold,  
" here you go" his dad said , pushing him through some emergency back door , and for a moment, Stiles was blinded with day light ,he squinted his eyes while at the same time he felt his dad's hand brushing his shoulders , a thick jacket that smelled strongly like his dad's aftershave was added around his own to guard him against the slight cool breeze that hit his thin frame by surprise, he blinked several times and moved his head backwards to find his dad face , only for black sunglasses to get slid over his nose bridge and make the blinding light dull immediately,  
" better?" His dad questioned and Stiles nodded gratefully,  
" much better" he said with a real smile tugging his lips , however, it rapidly dissolved as his jaw slacked , his mouth morphing a big unbelieving " O" that might be covered behind his mask but couldn't be disguised in his excited voice tone ,  
" that is...oh my god.. is it really?...am I seeing what I think I am seeing ? !"

" yes " his dad chuckled

" I am not dreaming? !" 

" No ! You are totally not dreaming " 

Stiles swallowed few times , blinking his eyes and peaking above the frame of the dark glasses to make sure he was truly not hallucinating the baby blue jeep that stood with glory few steps from his wheelchair, the metal glistening under the sun and bringing back a stock of deeply buried memories, his six year old self having a serious debate about the best ice cream flavours in that very passenger seat with his mom who would be driving them to the park, or leaving his favorite power ranger toy in the glove box while getting out the car for the first day of school before asking his mommy to take care of it, tracing the leather of the seats while he lie on the back seat after chemo with his head on his mom's lap while she was singing for him....

It felt like just looking at the car was enough to open a door to another dimension that revealed another person that wasn't him anymore , a place and time that only existed in the happy dreams that had long time since they abounded him  
" b-but.. how?" He stuttered , feeling his eyes dampening with tears that reflected the stormy emotions in his chest,  
" a lot of trips to some auto salvage to get millions of new pieces and a lot of sweat and oil on my clothes ...and Derek" his dad smiled , getting on his knees to meet Stiles eyes like he was talking to a little child.  
But it didn't even bothered Stiles, his mind was already drifting to a million place,  
" what? ...Derek ..he helped?! "

" turned out he knows thing or two about cars and who I am to turn away a free help?"

Stiles eye brows shoot up questioning, but then he decided to let it go and averte his eyes back to the car admiring it's beauty, it looked exactly like he remembers, maybe even more beautiful,  
" it looks..Amazing. ." He breathed out ,reaching out to touch it slowly like it was going to disappear, 

" yeah..wait till you sit behind the wheel, it would feel even greater than looking at it " his dad smirked and Stiles arm stopped mid air, his eyes moving back and forth between his dad and the car  
" are you kidding me? ! Dad! Are you really serious? !"

"Of course I am , few months ago , you said you wanted to learn how to drive , remember? And your 18th birthday is in a few days so why the heck not?!" 

His dad smiled, a real smile like he used to do long time ago, again , Stiles found himself pulled in to a life that used to be his , things and people that used to exist long time ago,  
" come on" his dad said, his voice bringing him back to the real world. He opened the driver's seat then carried Stiles gently to place him behind the wheel , he adjusted the teenager's feet on the brakes and the gas padel, closed the door then he moved around to get to the passenger seat,  
" adjust the chair" he told Stiles once they both settled in ,  
" the gas padel is the one beneath your right foot , the brakes is the one on the lift; press the brakes while you starting the car with key" Stiles opayed, his feet weak and his hand trembling a little but he still did what he was told,  
"put your hand on the gear stick right here , move it from' p' to ' D' , then remove your feet slowly from the brakes and hold on to the steering wheel softly to keep it in line"  
The car started moving slowly , the hospital parking lot empty of cars and people in this early hour of morning  
" here you go.." his dad encouraged, " just add a little bit of pressure on the gas padel, very slight pressure " he instructed , his voice firm and strong as he did. Stiles watched as the car swiftly moved through the empty parking spaces under his touch , so easy and so simple ,  
" I am driving " he whispered to himself but his dad confirmed ,nontheless  
" you are!"

" I am driving mom's car" he said little louder this time, pushing the gas a little  
" Whoa ! Whoa ! No need to go crazy " his dad said warning, albeit the amusement was thick in his tone, a wide smile splitting his face as he kept a close eye on the road,  
" it is...fantastic " Stiles beamed ,  
" it feels even better than I thought it would! " he said, then he turned the wheel suddenly to the right , bringing the car to face a brick wall that was less than half a mile ahead of them, his dad hand moved fast to the emergency stick , making the car stop in a halt,  
" Stiles! What the hell? !" He turned quickly facing his son , his hand sliding over his cheek softly ,  
" are you alright kiddo?" He asked softly, his momentry anger long forgotten,  
Stiles nodded and rose his hands to rest on his dad's over his cheek, he then lifted the glasses and slid the mask down, swallowing hard when his eyes met his dad's sad ones

" dad I. ..I am sorry " and he was not even just apologising for the car , in fact , he was apologising for so many things that a simple 'sorry ' couldn't even come close to cover half of it,

" is okay..kid, you just scared me a little , that is it" his dad smiled , but it didn't reach his eyes this time, his hand pressing little more on Stiles cheek when the boy seemed to lean in to the touch,  
" It is all what I do, isn't it ? Getting you scarred?"  
The former sheriff shook his head , " it is o-okay.." he stuttered but Stiles went on,

" getting you sad, and disappointd , ruining your life.." 

" hey, Shhhhh, stop that now"

" it is the truth!" 

" I dont care , Stiles .. I love you always ..always kid" the sad father moved closer to his kid and brought his other hand to rest on the fragile back , pressing softly till Stiles head rested on his shoulder as his sudden tears started wetting his shirt , but the older man didn't care , for all he knew, it was the closest he had been to Stiles since a very long time,  
" I love you kiddo, don't you ever think I will stop that"  
........  
Stiles woke up to the sound of the shower turning on and knew that must be his dad, since the man was a fixed resident now , the hospital staff allowed him to take showers and sleep in some semi decent recliner most of the days. But not everyday, cause of course, the man needed a proper night sleep and a proper meal from time to time or that what Stiles had argued with him when the he had been woken up with soar muscles and gurgling stomach everyday.

Stiles sighed and shifted to his side facing the tiny nightstand next to his bed , he picked his phone and opened his extremely short contact list ,his finger hovering over a certain name there. He had went to sleep with some crazy idea that had seemed to only got solidified over his long afternoon nap..  
He hesitated , not knowing whether what he was about to do is right or not but then he bit his lip softly and collected all the traces of courage that he had in him,  
" hey" he typed and hit send before he thinks, but when the reply didn't come immediately he felt his nerves getting the worst out of him.  
He couldn't really blame Derek if he decided to ignore him after he had asked him to leave in front of the nurses in the most offensive / rude way to throw someone out,  
But he also had that tiny hope that Derek at least would reply to such a simple text, at least out of his extremely good manners, if not because he feels sorry for Stiles.. Except. .. He didn't. . For all what Stiles knew, he might had already erased Stiles number or blocked him.. He sighed again and looked at his phone with something akin to disappointment in his eyes.. It felt like receiving a physical hit to his stomach, his previous thoughts about Derek only being proved , his insecurities coming to life with a vigorous roar telling him that Derek was only messing around with him, and now he got bored and gave up , and it is not that Stiles wanted to care,he didn't, or that what he kept repeating to himself, he should never even feel bad about it, he already knew it, except for some odd reason he did freaking care! And now he was about to even freaking cry because Derek didn't answer his freaking message!  
'Holy shit! ' he thought, ' get a freaking hold you crying baby' ..  
He was about to angrily throw away the offending phone in his hand when the high note that indicated an incoming stopped him dead in his trace,  
" Hi! Sorry I was at the bathroom :) how are you?"  
Stiles double checked , and yeah , it was Derek..  
His fingers trembled slightly around the letters , the screen light bothering his eyes a little,  
" can I ask you for something? " he typed,

" sure Stiles..whatever you need!" Came immediately. .

Stiles heared the water in the bathroom turning off , his dad had always been a quick shower type of guys , and right now, Stiles could never hate him for something more,

" I need to speak to you in person" he sent , " can you come at night...After my dad leaves" 

There was a a moment of waiting, and Stiles found himself thinking of Derek getting sick of his clingy butt again, but then Derek's text came ,  
" but your dad rarely leaves?!"

Stiles frowned, how did Derek know that ? Did he still spy on his room without him knowing? Or maybe he and his dad talk more now , since they are car fixing buddies now and all? 

" he won't be tonight.. see you later " he ended up typing before he switched his phone off and putting it on the nightstand again the exact moment the bathroom's door opened to reveal his dad's toweling his still wet hair despite his full outfit,  
" everything okay, son? I didn't wake you, did I ?" 

" no worries, I am fine ...you on the other hand look like a zumbi..and I don't think that a shower and 3 cups of coffee can even begin to try and fix it"

 

His dad rolled his eyes,  
" I am okay" 

" I will believe that when you stop looking like you are going to drop unconscious at any moment, dad ...you need real sleep in a real bed, you are going home tonight, end of discussion! "

 

" Stiles..." 

" Nope..that it final..We don't need another Stilinski in one of this damn hospital beds dad! You are going home tonight "  
..................

Derek knew he made a mistake the moment he said to Stiles " I love you ", and not because it was not true or that he didn't mean it ,but because how it made Stiles eyes go from confused to angry and hateful the moment Derek spoke.  
It broke his heart...  
He knew he was being irrational, falling for Stiles , the last person Derek had ever thought he could fall for, and if that was not enough, the were wolf had to say it out loud and ruin everything. He had manged to crush the little bit of trust that the human had finally had in him, rushing off his silly confession like an emotional teenager without noticing that it was one sided thing cause,of course, Stiles had enough troubles in his plate to even care about Derek's feeling towards him.  
It was as clear as water that Stiles didn't see him as anything but a friend , but in the haze of his stupid hormones ,Derek missed the obvious truth and went behind wrong impressions and expectations that had now coasted him Stiles trust and friendship.  
But then, as much as he blamed himself, Derek didn't regret it..Falling in love with Stiles , he means..  
He had spent the last 8 years in this life after the fire refiguring the concepts of what is safe and what is not , shielding his heart when tragedies were so overwhelming that he thought he couldn't possibly survive it at some point and losing hope to ever have something resampling happiness again. Guilt was so heavy, weighing him down and threatening to push him face first to the muddy ground when first his Family was burnt then his older sister and only anchor was slaughtered by the hands of his own uncle, and like Dominoes al , Derek knew, all that happened because of him, cause he was naive enough to believe that Kate Argent had really loved him!  
He spent years drowning himself in anger and distrust, wanting to be alone but knowing that as an omega he won't survive a day with his shaky self control and the heavy weight of self blame pressing so hard on his chest that he couldn't breath, and that when he decided to do the easy thing and join a pack of lanky teenagers that he didn't really believe they had any chance to make it work.. but again, it was the easiest way to escape the real life.  
And so, Derek found himself the older among a group high schoolers that started to follow him around like lost puppies regardless that he tried everything he can do to avoid them and the fact that he wasn't even their alpha! He had gave his alpha power off once Scott had became one just to get away from any kind of responsibility in his shaken state.  
Many times , Derek had told the pack that he was not their alpha, neither their dad , but after almost a year of them treating him as some kind of role model , for reasons he could never figured out, Derek found himself giving up a little , breaking out of his shell and relearning to be part of a pack..  
Relearning to live...  
Also by some miracle, what he thought was a sorry excuse for a pack, managed to survive and even prove itself against the array of enemies that tried to wipe them clean.  
Slowly but surely Derek Hale started to heal...  
He grew up and understood things that didn't make sense before. He tried to accept what Laura told him about how that what happened to their family was Kate's fault and not his, ever so slowly , he found that her echoing words in his memory made sense with every passing day and with that his anchor started to shift from 'anger' to 'pack' ,his heart finding the peace that he thought he would never going to find again, and just then....  
Like a perfect dream, Stiles had entered the picture.  
He was everything that was not Kate..  
All tough exterior but vulnerable and pure inside his heart. Acting like he doesn't care while Derek could clearly see the opposite, the kid was not bad,not even close, but just like himself, Stiles had more hurt and pain than it was fair for one person and it made him draws back on himself like a paper rolling on itself under flames. Derek had easily recognised the unresolved anger and frustration, but it didn't even come close to covering away the true essence of the brilliant human that was Stiles. Someone funny , smart and loyal, so gorgeous and kind , but saddly never had the chance to leave his beautiful mark on this life and for that Derek was deeply frustrated and utterly sorry .  
He wished he had met Stiles at different circumstances, he wished they had more time , not just because Derek wanted Stiles to believe his attraction towards him, but more importantly, because Derek would do anything to show Stiles that life was not always meant to be full of pain and that somewhere around the corners , a hidden wafts of happiness would be waiting for him to dive in because Stiles deserves to have good things happening to him.  
With that in mind , Derek wished he wasn't so selfish enough to blurt the "love" word and lose him forever, or that what he thought till he came out the the bathroom that day and found a single word text that made his heart beat forcefully again with a glint of hope,  
" hey" Stiles message had said but for Derek, it sounded like a second chance.

.........................

Derek saw how the cool breeze that escaped inside to Stile room when he slid through the window had made the younger human shift to the other side and nuzzle closer to his blanket in an obvious search for warmth.  
The beta frowned, Stiles dad was not in the hospital like Stiles had told him but the boy was fast asleep despite telling Derek that he will be waiting for him to come. It was either that he changed his mind or his exhaustion had beaten him to sleep while waiting .  
Whatever it was, Derek sighed and started to turn his back to the sleeping teen, facing the window again in his way out of the room., but then Stiles mumbled something and a shiver ran through his thin frame despite the heavy blanket and this this had Derek stopping mid step , taking off his leather jacket and laying it on top of Stiles caccon of covers. The younger man sighed and relaxed to the extra warmth making Derek's heart swell , he had missed being in this room and being able to see Stiles and smell his scent more than anything in this world, and he would love more than anything just to sit by his feet and hold his hand all night, but he also knew that Stiles needed his rest and that Derek didn't need to make him feel uncomfortable if he woke up with his hand in Derek's, so he opted to leave despite the desire to stay that was firing every atom of his body..  
He took a deep breath and started to open the window when the sleep laced voice stopped him for the second time in less than few minutes,  
" what are you doing ? " Stiles asked in annoyance, rubbing his eyes like a little pouty child.  
Derek turned to face him again, taking in the even more sickly appearance of Stiles with his eyes open, dark bags heavy under his eyes and pale skin that looked even paler in the thin light coming from the night stand lamp that Stiles had left open,

" err, leaving? " he finally said , watching Stiles eyes move between him and the window as if he doesn't know what the hell was going on ,  
" what time is it ?"

" 10: 23...pm"

" oh" Stiles whispered rubbing his eyes again before yawning ,  
" kinda late...you are late" and it was not angry or cold ,just like the exact child that he looked very much alike in that moment, 

" sorry...I wasn't sure when your dad will leave.." 

Stiles sighed then nodded , moving slowly to sit instead of lying down . Derek was torn between helping him or not, afraid that Stiles didn't want his hand anywhere near him anymore till finally his hands moved to rise Stiles before he could think, adjusting the thin body with a pillow behind his back.

With only few inches between them he could stare in Stiles endless honey brown eyes , alive and brilliant no matter what, but then Derek could also smell a new scent of decay that wasn't there before, his heart clenched hard in his chest and a streak of panic seared through him as he moved quickly away not to throw up on the human sprawled in front of him.  
Stiles eyes dimmed a little at his movement, Derek didn't know if it was anger for being insulted or fear of being rejected so he harried to speak,  
" I am sorry I touched you without your permission "  
Stiles swallowed then shrugged,  
" permission didn't stop you before "  
Derek blushed,  
" not now...not when you obviously don't want anything to do with me anymore. .I shouldn't be getting in to your private space and bothering you.."

Stiles face was painted with confusion with every word Derek spoke, and the beta didn't know if he was only making things even worse,  
" Stiles ..I am sorry ..I shouldn't say what I have said before and make you upset..I understand that I crossed a line back then and I would truly appreciate if you just forget about it and let us just go back to being friends..pack. .whatever you feel comfortable with "

The expression of confusion only deepened on Stiles face , he opened his mouth and closed it several times without letting a word out , clearly hesitant about what he wanted to really say.  
But Derek had picked up the slight rise in the heartbeats and the sudden irritation behind Stiles eyes and it only made him more confused himself ,  
What did Stiles want to hear for things to get fixed? Didn't he want anything to do with Derek including his friendship anymore? Then why would he ask to meet him then?  
The were wolf's heart sank , all his hopes smashed and he almost let out a whimper. Stiles,however, didn't tell him to get out as he was expecting, instead he asked him to have a seat,  
" I didn't ask you to come to speak about what happened before, whatever was that, I. ...ummm. ., well you and Scott always say that my dad and I are pack , so I have something to ask you.."  
Derek blinked his surprise, okay , Stiles wanted something from him , he could do that,  
" of course, Stiles, I already told you. ..you could ask me for whatever you need"

" well,okay..Thanks "

He took a deep breath before speaking again,  
"This is about my father." Stiles shoulders fell while Derek's tensed a little,  
"I know that Scott is the alpha, but you are the one my dad seems to listen to....He is not a wolf , he won't feel the obligatory need to follow Scott because for him, Scott had always been like a son , so he doesn't really take him all that serious"

Derek swallowed,  
" I am honoured you think your dad..."

Stiles cut him off ,  
" it is not because you are anything special..." he averted his eyes not to meet the hurt look in Derek's eyes,  
" so for you to know, it is just that you are older, I guess, so my dad doesn't look at you like a clueless teenager, not totally at least...I mean he told me you helped with the jeep , and he sounded pretty impressed with your manual skills and your patience, he spoke very highly about you , so I figured that you are the most suitable one to ..ummm "

Stiles paused , huffed his loss of words but still refused to meet the wolf's eyes, his next words were sadder than anything Derek had ever heard him say, they were soft like a private plea or a secret that Derek wasn't supposed to know about,  
" he is going to be devastated, you know .. Once I am gone, he is going to drown himself in alcohol. .and now that he sold the house, he will end up homeless drunk in some dark alley..."

Derek heart broke ,  
" I already told him his place in the house, your house, will always be preserved for him whenever he wanted to come back , it is the pack's house , and as you already know, you guys are pack.."

"Yeah . .We are pack or whatever..just..." he huffed again and covered his eyes with his hand, frustration started pouring into his scent, 

" speak Stiles , whatever you wanna say, you can tell me..." Derek moved close, his hand hovering over Stiles covered knee, desperate to supply any sort of comfort,  
" Stiles I...I won't judge you..."

He said softly but Stiles reaction wasn't as soft, he rose his head so his anger filled eyes met Derek's challenging , the words he spoke were cold and far from gentle,  
" shut up. .I don't care what you think about me Derek ! Get over you self for a moment, would you?" 

And just like that the spill broke, Derek stepped back with shame glittering his eyes, he had just made Stiles angry with him.. again.. despite his attempts to say the right words, he was ruining everything. .  
He looked at Stiles , who was now covering his eyes again, breathing deeply like he was trying to get hold on himself,  
" sorry.." Stiles whispered almost silently,  
" I shouldn't say this ... this is about my dad not me"

Derek wanted to object, but he figured that the safest option would be letting Stiles finish what he wanted to say ,

" The pack is good, I mean it is great , and I appreciate that you made my dad keep his room and all but... is just that, before the pack ever existed, all we had was Scott and Melissa and few deputies down the station to help with our ...situation , but now ...my dad had quit his job ... and he and Melissa had a sort of fight or something, and with all due respect to your pack importance to him, Melissa knew my family since I was a toddler, she has a way with my dad , she can...she can ground him ..and he will need this the most when things get bad , which they will .."

Derek waited for Stiles to look at him , there was a pause that indicated that the human was done with what he wanted to say,  
" okay Stiles..." he started ,  
" err, but how can I fix it between your dad and Melissa? I mean , I don't even know what went wrong between them?"

Stiles face fell,  
" I don't know. .I. ..They don't tell me, both of them say that everything is fine but they refuse to even meet each other's eyes when they are at the same room..."

Derek didn't say anything so Stiles went on,  
" If I asked Scott to talk to his mom about it , she will either say the same thing she is saying to me or there will be some kind of an argument between them and I hate to cause this" he huffed,  
"Listen Derek , I know it is too much..what I am asking you to do, I mean , I am technically throwing the responsibility of my dad ,who will be falling apart both emotionally and physically, on your shoulders, and I know it is not you business to get in the middle of 2 grown ups problem and try to fix it but....God, I dont know what other option do I have?! My time is running out and some stuff , I know I can't just do it myself, so...I am asking you this as a frie... I mean ...as a good person Derek, one who lost all his family and knows how much does it hurt , to please , take care of him ... take care of my dad.."

The last word was a mare whisper but it was the most powerful among them all. Derek frowned his thick eyebrows and bit his lip, Stiles shouldn't be asking him this, it was something that undisputed that the pack would take care of each other, they would never leave the older Stilistiki to his dark thoughts when Stiles is no longer with them , and if they had known that there was a problem between him and Melissa, they would be working on fixing it already without ever being told so. Still, Derek was honoured to be personally choosen by Stiles like that, he knew that for the human, his dad was the most important one in his life and choosing the right person to take care of him was something that most took a lot of thinking and a lot care by Stiles, so for Derek it meant a lot ,  
" I will do everything I can do, Stiles...you ..you don't have to worry.."  
Stiles looked at him as if trying to read the sincerity of his words in his eyes, in that moment , Derek felt drowning again in the noble essence of Stiles, peaking out like a shy kitten from behind the high fence that Stiles always kept around himself,  
" just please..keep him safe..keep him safe from himself "  
Derek smiled sadly, this time his hands didn't hesitate to contact with the blanket covered knee because his show of support felt more important than any words he was going to say,  
" I will Stiles....I promise you"  
..............

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I quoted a phrase from one of my favourite books,  
> "Letters to a Young Poet" by: Rainer Maria Rilke..  
> It is a beautiful book and highly recommend for you to read ;)


End file.
